Archive...Feelings.
You. It has been you. It has always been you. I still wish it is you, and will be you.
But no. It can't be you. It should never be you. You are already happy. You are already contented. You are now secured and assured. You are with her. You are with the woman who you have always dreamed of. You are with the lady who I will never be.
There was never us, there is no us. As tragic it may sound, it is the truth I have always known. Even before, those times you have not yet met her, we never had a chance.
I was a nobody (and still is). I was never your definition of ideal girl. I was never a choice, not even a chance you'll ever take. I was just...a friend? A friend. A friend of your choice, of the woman you probably had feelings for.
I had seen how you treated my friend. I had seen how you looked at her. I had seen how you took care of her. I had seen how considerate you were for her. I had witnessed all those things as I heard my heart shattering into pieces. I was just a mere spectator who watched the most romantic (probably) and heartbreaking movie of my life.
Sighs. I was an onlooker, a passerby in your life. Yet you were a permanent in my mind, a constant thing engraved on my crippled heart, at that time. At that time.
Moments had passed, and surprisingly, I got over you. I got over you happily. I got over you with peace in my mind and heart. I got over you because I gradually accepted the fact that yes, there can never be us. I had slowly picked up the pieces of my heart and let my wounded heart be healed with the thought that "He is just a man that I have a crush on, and not that boy I have been looking for."
There was also no "you and my friend" together. I thought my chapter with you had already ended. I wished it has ended.
And then you dated someone else. We were all happy. We were sincerely wishing you and her a happy life and an ever lasting relationship. You have found a family in her - a comfort, assurance and happiness. We were genuinely ecstatic of that great news. I personally was contented and happy for you.
"Ah, we can't wait to see you grow old together."
But no relationship is perfect. You have shared how you are struggling with your relationship, but even so, you still love her and you will still choose her over other things. Even if it means losing yourself, even if it means changing your identity - who you truly are.
I admire that courage and that faithfulness. I just find it hard to accept that why is this happening to you?
And then here goes my heart, once again... old feelings getting rekindled.
As I hear your sentiment, I can't help but think of the chances if there was us. "I would treat you better, make you happier and accept you for who you are."
BUT NO. I could just keep silent here and keep those words to myself. Shut those thoughts at the back of my mind. Because I would never ever want you to be taken for granted, to be taken advantage of especially at your vulnerable state. I want you to keep your worth. I want you to be happy. And I know you are happy with her. I know you want to be happy with her because she is the woman of your dreams, the perfect girl you have been wishing for.
I do not want to see you sad and struggling. I do not want to see you being tormented and suffering. No, I don't. U___U
To the woman he is very willing to spend the rest of his life with...to the woman he has always wanted to keep, to the woman he is deeply in love with...Please, make him happy.
Make him the happiest man on Earth. You are capable of that. Make him appreciate himself more than anyone. Your words melt his insecurities away. Make him love himself for who he is. Your acceptance matters the most to him. Love him as much as he loves you. You mean the world to him.
And I will just be the mere spectator of his life, wishing all the best for him.
I want to get rid of these feelings. Honestly, I do not want to entertain the thoughts of us having chances because I do not want to feed my fantasy. I know where I stand. I know my worth. I know where I should be. God, please help me move on from this. Please help me keep these feelings in the depths of my heart. I know you will never let me the woman I really am not. :)
I know I can find someone who will love me for who I am. I am waiting for that person, for that right man. Just please let him be happy. Let him be genuinely happy. When I see that radiant smile and sincere happiness on him once again, I will not wish for anything more.
















