I don’t want to try anymore
I’ve always been a bit far behind
I’m not as charismatic, I’m not as ballsy, I’m not as talented, I’m not as ‘rich’ as people around me
So I always have to try a bit harder than others
Since I was a kid, I always wanted people’s attention and because there was no one there to give me, I tried my best to get accustomed to it
Teachers pitied me so they’d give me attention, make me feel special but that was all that it was, pity. They didn’t like me like they like other kids, other kids would get free snacks, get to walk around during nap time, get free gifts and I would get pity.
When I got older, I craved attention from people around me but I’m not as talented. I always try to draw and show people, to show them I had something going but it would always get pushed down by actual talented people.
I tried to be better, I practiced and practiced everyday but all I get was pity.
One time my old art teacher invited me to go with her team in a national art competition. I was happy, I thought she knew I had something going, that I was talented, that I could win. But all I got was pity. She pitied the fact that I have never won any competition I entered, she pitied the fact that I wasn’t as talented. She invited me only because my mother had helped her before and taking me with her was her thank you. She gave other members’s speeches about their drawing and gave me nothing, not only did she brought me along because she pitied me, she didn’t even believe in me that I could win. And she was right. I didn’t win. People tell me it was because I am an older contestant and they wanted the kids to win but thinking back, they said it because they pitied this untalented girl that tried so hard for nothing and cried in public because in reality, they know I didn’t win because my drawing was terrible.
I have always had a terrible memory, things that happen in the beginning of the week, I probably had forgotten it by the end. So different than other students, I have to try a bit harder to study, I always have to try. But as karma to my ungrateful ass that I got a decent home and still have depression, I never get anywhere. People could achieve more than 5 over 10 points with their eyes closed. “All you need this year is to focus on the ones you need to pass, you only need more than 5 for every other!” - they say. It’s easy for them, they can look through their notes and remember each words, each name after less than 2 minutes, something they remember in 2 minutes could take me up to 2 hours. I always try harder than others but I always come out empty handed.
My family situation aren’t the best, especially our financial problem. I have complained about it a lot but despite the fact that we have air cons in the house and have a 2 story house, it was just two apartments that we bought. I don’t have a normal house next to a street with a tree or a yard, I don’t have a house that has doorways through every room. Hell, recently we can barely afford food each month. We always try a bit harder than others but it doesn’t matter, we always come out empty handed. And recently, because of my mental health, i have started to put more weigh on my family, more than the weigh I have put on before. What terrible daughter, not only am I ungrateful and complain nonstop, I also leech off their money.
I have always had a good facade that I put up since i was in grade 8 or 9. A facade that I still keep up till this day. People always have an easy time laughing or talking or judging about things that they like or dislike, they didn’t have problems with wearing what they want or look at themselves in a mirror, they didn’t have problems with taking millions of pictures of themselves or whatever that they like, they didn’t have problems with buying types of clothes that they want. Those are the things I wish I could do normally. I want to look at myself in the mirror one day and don’t release a grunt; I want to take a picture of myself one day and don’t immediately delete it; I want to talk to someone one day and not afraid of saying what I actually think; I want to buy and wear something that I want one day and dismiss all the judging that people are saying in front and behind my back. I want to laugh at jokes that I find funny, I want to freely not laughing that things that I don’t find funny, I want to trust people again, I want to open myself and not be afraid of someone potentially planning to use the worst of me against me.
I want to be confident, I want to be normal, I want to feel normal, I want to stop crying.
What’s the point of trying so hard and going no where? I’m going to try so hard at my last year in highschool then college and then what? There is no where else for me to go. Every other kids can have their parents plan out their future, go abroad, get a simple shitty degree and have their relatives let them work in their big company before they want to do anything else. They practically doesn’t even need to try but I have to try so hard for everything and for what?
There is just so many times I want to just stop
