For The Broken Hearted @deadflowersandburntlungs - Tumblr Blog

Those who didn’t know me found me agreeable. Those to did know me found me impossible. Those who loved me found me incredible. Those who hated me found me disgraceful. Those who wanted me now cry tears. Those who didn’t smile at me now. Those who were close to me wonder what went wrong. Those who weren’t will never understand. Those in my past will never know. Those in my present would’ve never guessed. Goodbye.

When we first met, I hated you. Then, I loved you and I was so surprised. Now, I’m lost.

“I’m just sorry I hurt you so much. Even though I said it was on purpose I shouldn’t have put you through what I did.” And I believed you. I beloved you were sorry I believed you regretted it. I really truly just wanted you in my life and you seemed so sad to know that you damaged me I believed you. But.... you still purposely hurt me twice after... and holy fuck did you damage me more than I ever could have thought be possible. I’m a very broken person. Even before I met you, I was fucked. But you fucked me up more than anyone ever has and more than I pray anyone ever will because I’m so surprised I’m not dead yet. Even though I’m dying and I’m very much broken, I still just hope you’re happy. I know that at our age, people tend to tear each other down when they’re upset or angry, but my family does it to each other and Austin and Hannah do it too now that they’re broke up, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it to you. Still, I know you did it out of anger towards me and I just hope you’re around people who don’t fuck up like I do and piss you off so badly.

Today would’ve been our 1 year anniversary... and instead of celebrating with the guy I loved, I’m having a panic attack because I can’t remember the sound of his voice. I haven’t cried in such a long time but recently I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks and I’m spiraling out of control with my addiction. I miss him more than anything and I hate that because it only makes me hurt more.

People are always like “you gotta learn to love yourself before you can love someone else” and I’m here to say fuuuck that. I’ve given plenty of love to people when I’ve spent majority of my life hating myself. You don’t need to love yourself to know how to love and cherish other people I do that ez. Maybe other people are different but I can give so much love and appreciation to another person and still look at myself with hatred and disgust. That’s all bs to me. But you 100% need to know what you’re worth. You neeeeed to know that. You might not like yourself but you gotta know you’re worth basic human decency and that was my issue. You can’t let people walk all over you and be like “oh I deserve this” like no, bitch, you don’t. You can’t always brush off what someone else did because you felt like you deserved it and continue to put yourself in situations that cause this to happen over and over again. Know. Your. Worth. Know that you’re worth it. You’re worth not getting treated like shit. You are no matter what you think. And if you think that you’re not, you’re not ready for a relationship because you’re not ready to defend your worth. If sober me is reading this, know your worth hoe. Also if sober me is reading this, I love you, you dense, overly-empathetic, weirdo.

#i am soooo buzzed but wise words from me

I had another nightmare. I stabbed an innocent man to death. It was weird because I was luring a deer out of a house then it appeared in my house and as a human and I stabbed him. I stabbed him in the thigh and he screamed so loud. He tried to grab me with his claws and we were both very fatigued and moving weirdly. I kept swinging my knife. I stabbed his arm and his stomach and finally his heart. I was begging my little brother to open the door enough to let me out but he couldn’t. I stabbed the man and I can still hear his pained cry. I finally got out the house and threw myself on the ground and cried. I woke up shaking. I remembered when I used to have nightmares and come to him for reassurance. Instead of telling me no one is going to murder me, he told me to grow up. He told me that I’m a baby. I’ve had bad and graphic nightmares since 4th grade and I used to go to therapy for them because I’d be too scared to leave the house and I’d have flashbacks of my dreams in public. It’s common for me to have a nightmare about me or someone I love getting murdered, kidnaped, r*ped, held at gun point, or getting chased down. I remember him calling me immature for letting these nightmares haunt me.

It’s weird because guys always find me in my most vulnerable state. Like when I was young and new to relationships, an older guy stepped in to be my boyfriend and to show me “what true love really is like”. When I developed an eating disorder after severe bullying, another guy became my best friend and helped me through it all and loved me but then lashed out and got jealous when I talked about other guys but also never wanted to be with me because we were young and he wanted to experience other people but I could never be with anyone else. Then during one of the deepest points in my depression where I couldn’t shower I couldn’t eat or sleep and I could barely get out of bed, another guy swoops into my life and promises he’s nothing like the other guys in my life and he’d never hurt me and he just wants to help me then does horrible horrible things to me specifically because he said he wanted to hurt me. I think my problem is I’m too vulnerable and I just need to stop opening up to people because honestly I’m terrified to let anyone make me happy anymore.

I just... I don’t use nicotine to be cool and people to get it. I’m not trying to impress him because I know no matter what I do he will still feel the same about me: perfect for settling down with but just not right now. I’m hurting and I’m suicidal. It has nothing to do with being cool I don’t care. I just need something else to rely on because I don’t trust people anymore. The buzz makes me feel temporarily normal and happy but now I don’t even feel the buzz. It’s almost 5 am and I’ve been sitting here for 2 hours trying to feel something. My stomach hurts so bad and I’m shaking but I have no one. Just nicotine. I’m sorry to my friends to care about me and I love you I’m just in a dark dark place right now and if I kill myself I’m scared my family will fall apart. I know my older brother gets suicidal and my little brother suffers with severe anxiety. My dad has struggled with depression and sometimes get suicidal since he was young because of his absuive parents and I get my addicted genes from his dad, so he’d completely blame himself. My mom has major anxiety and would never be able to leave the house again. My dog would never stop trying to go to my room and find me and my insanely depressed and suicidal friends would probably die too. I’m not trying to hurt anyone I just am trying to be happy...

When my friends cut it feels like they’re cutting me. Im trapped in a box because I can’t help people as well as I used to be able to and I just feel so fucking useless. I can’t even help myself. My friends think I’m an alcoholic and I’m definitely addicted to nicotine but no body knows about that one and I’m just always gonna be stuck in this stupid box because how am I supposed to help my friends when I can’t even help myself...

“Fuck I miss you. It’s killing me.”

Dear everyone,

I love you all. Everyone. It’s no one’s fault but my own and I know that. My heart is heavy. I will not go into detail about my horrible demons that haunted me every day and night while I begged for them to go away. I would cry every night and wake up with a headache from drinking. I am sorry I’m not strong enough but I wholeheartedly believe you all are. I love you very very much. Please take care of yourselves. For me. I love you.

Dear Rosie and Jillian,

I know I didn’t tell you guys everything. I tried to be as little emo as possible and I’m sorry if this isn’t okay for you. I went through so much more than I told and I’m sorry for keeping so much away. I love you.

Dear Ben,

You were amazing and you tried your best to keep me happy. You gave me everything I ever asked for and more and I will always appreciate you for it. You were amazing at making me laugh and smile and I know you’re gonna do just fine. I love you.

Dear destiny and emma

I’m sorry sometimes I was too aggressive and not understanding enough. I know you both go through hell and I need you both to be there for each other. I need you guys to be strong for me. You guys were my best friends and I couldn’t have done anything without you. I love you.

Dear Austin and Jonas,

I’m sorry I wasn’t always a good sister and I was a brat. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there when I needed to be or nice. I know I could’ve been sweeter and I was a huge bitch. I’m sorry. I love you.

Dear mom and dad,

I’m so sorry for wasting your money and time on my selfish life. I’m sorry I lied all the time and I hope you can forgive me. None of this was y’alls fault. It wasn’t because you didn’t raise me good enough or right it was because I own heart couldn’t take the sadness it endured. No amount of therapy could help me and believe me I tried. I wish I wasn’t such a failure. I love you.

“And that’s when I realized: I don’t miss you. I don’t miss you at all. I miss the memories. And that’s when I knew I had to let you go.”

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