[cptsd-kitsune]

[deadlittleswan]

i dont want to be a bother anymore

chained to me

[onecells]

[dying-weeds]

[spookshollow]

[ennuidays]

大橋なると

[henmaallina]

むだ

[deadlittleswan]

maybe if i never talk again, everyone will forget about me and move on with their lives

i'm always doing something wrong and it's always communication based

if i never speak again i can never do something wrong again

no one will have to check on me if im dead

[deadlittleswan]

i want to practice what i preach but the gap between those i care about and myself is just indescribably huge. there is hope for everyone else. there is help for everyone else. im going to be on fucking waiting lists for the rest of my life. i hate living this way. i hate being stuck inside. i hate how much everything hurts. everything aches like hell. i barely do anything and it hurts like hell. how am i meant to keep doing this? i need to support those around me while I'm always one particularly bad day where I have the energy to kill myself, away from killing myself. if i slit my wrists or throat it would ruin the bed. if i jumped outside someone would find me. every scenario would destroy t. i can't do that. every scenario would destroy my family. i can't do that. every scenario would destroy my friends. i can't do that.

but i don't know where that leaves me. it hurts so much. i want to die but i can't. i want to move but i can't. i wish my family checked on me. i wish anyone checked on me. it's always me first. maybe because i have more free time, they think it should be me first. doesn't matter that I've explained that it feels impossible to reach out. doesn't matter. i dont feel like i matter to a lot of people.

i know that some love me. i love them.

it's so hard to live

it's so hard to live

[deadlittleswan]

I feel so lonely. I messaged mum and dad yesterday because of my new phone. They're good. I'm upset that we haven't spoken since? August? They know it's hard for me to reach out and they don't reach out to me and I feel so excluded. I tell them I'm sorry and I love them and it's like it's no big deal but I wish I was a big deal I wish they'd ask after me or call me or be the one to text first or anything. Anything. I'm always the first. I'm usually the first in friend groups too

I want to gore myself to prove i have any control over my body. I keep seeing myself with the razors beside me just carving to the bone in my arm just to prove that I'm not well just so people will see I'm not ok and to treat me as such I'm so tired of being dismissed

I know I don't have anything new going on but why does that mean I have to be the one to reach out first why is it on me to dial ans not the ones who don't have this fucking shit to deal with

If they get too fucking sad about me being sick they can just not talk to me for a while but it's been months I'm so fucking lonely

It's always ME making plans it's always ME! It's always ME apologising that i haven't been in touch and then trying not to cry while they say they've not BEEN UP TO MUCH. IM SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU!

did I ever mean anything to them

[foxdies]

#1 crush. vent doodle

[deadlittleswan]

i wish no one cared so i could die without guilt I wish no one cared so my corpse wouldn't leave a stain

[magg0t1nfested-deactivated20241]

There’s this weird dichotomy of not wanting anyone to know you’re suffering and also desperately wanting someone to acknowledge your pain

[vilea777]

i am in constant fear of being replaced

[a-hospital--for-souls]

I wish I wasn't traumatized at the young age because now I can't function like a normal human being. I'm scared of everything because I'm so scared of fucking things up. I don't want to be me anymore

[virginiewoolf]

Stephanie Foo, from What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma.

[braaainwaaash]