Tolutasi.

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I know life is unfair, but this is fucking ridiculous

I feel broken. I just want to feel ok. Okay to a point where I actually want to shower or brush my teeth. Ok enough to want to actually try and give someone a genuine smile or actually mean when I say “I’m fine.” My darkest days of grief are close, I feel it. With holidays, sickness, school, and other distractions I haven’t grieved naturally. But, what is natural? My grieving might make some uncomfortable. It’s not my intention. My anxious insecurities will be tough for some, but its part of my mentality at the moment. Just like seeing the second pink line on the test 2 months ago, seeing only one pink line on the test today changed my life. It hurts. It hurts to a point where I am numb. No matter what anyone says, this pain is something that will never fade. Emotionally and mentally fucked. Physically, I am still dealing with the effects; the bleeding, the pain, the sound of my Drs voice when she says “there is no heartbeat”. I use to believe that we go through things in our life to help others cope or get through the same rough times in the future. Enough is enough. I do not know why I’m here. I do not know who would listen. I do not know who would care. I do know that I’m tired and need to brush my teeth.

[brownhairedmaiden]

[betweenthesomethings]

Oh how cruel it seems to harbor an entire universe inside you for a brief moment but to never hold them in your arms.

[deanatolutasi]

To My Baby Boy or Girl

2017 was a tough one.  So much loss, and not nearly enough time spent recovering.  It is now 2018, and it saddens me that I won't get to meet your precious face in March.  Some days I feel guilty because the pain I felt from losing the love of my life (your dad), sent my stress, depression, and anxiety into overdrive.  I feel that my energy made it impossible for me to carry you to term. I feel like if I was in a better headspace, you’d still be making your grand entrance this year.  Even though we weren’t together at the time, your dad and I agreed to love and raise you in the healthiest environment you could ever imagine.  I was genuinely excited.  I remember when the doctor told me, I couldn’t stop smiling.  Oh what I’d give to feel you growing inside of me right now.  I needed to write this.  I needed to finally grieve.  I have been masking emotions long before your conception, and continue to do so after the loss.  How cruel life can be. It gives and takes CONSISTENTLY...and I’ve been internally screaming, trying to find balance again.  I’ve never been good with loss.  It’s my kryptonite.  Losing anything/anyone I love breaks me down to absolutely nothing.  I feel empty.  I have the biggest hole in my heart.  I will always take pride in being your mother.  I will always hold a spot for you in this family & in my heart.  

It’s so hard because I didn't just lose a pregnancy....my child died.  It’s the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones.  I would be 7 months pregnant today & my emotions are running wild. You were carried for only a moment, but you will be loved for a lifetime.  Instead of seeing your family, I know the first thing your little eyes will see when you open them is the face of Jesus and I find a little comfort in that.  I’ll keep you in my prayers always my beautiful baby.  

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” -Psalm 34:18 

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[starlightandtears]

On Jay Z

This Jay Z stuff got me thinking about falling in love young and being so in love with a man that you let him hurt you over and over. When you’re on the outside of a situation like that, it’s easy to be like “I’m never ever gonna let a man play me like that!!!” but damn, sometimes you get caught up and don’t even realize how you loving him so much gives him wiggle room to use that against you and get away with bullshit.

I’m ODEE in love with a person who has broken my heart twice before because he wasn’t ready and needed to grow; it really be like that sometimes. We’re young, we’re growing, we’re learning. We had to do that separately. Things are still up in the air but I find comfort in the fact that we’re too young right now to have settled down right away anyway.

What is different from my situation and HORRIFYING to me thinking deeply about what Jay Z represents on a grander scale, is how he dated her in her youth, married her, and repeatedly spat all over their marriage during his “growing pains” and now, when he is approaching his 50s, is saying “I was young and immature and I’ve grown now that I have children!”.

Stuff like this is why marriage kills women early and extends men’s lives.

[thelovejournals]

I usually become a ghost to those who no longer deserve
my time. 
I’ve never seen a point in explaining my absence to someone who failed to appreciate my presence. 
You don’t owe any explanations to those who hurt you.

R.H. Sin (via thelovejournals)

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[wnq-writers]

Sometimes the best way to move on isn’t forward. It’s jumping off the edge and free-falling. It’s letting the wind oust the flakes off your skin. It’s drowning in oceans so deep, the silence purges every grim thought out of you. It’s being left an empty vessel, allowing the current to take you to where you need to go. It’s finding a sense of ease, and that is how you shall move on.

blackprawn (via wnq-writers)

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