To My Baby Boy or Girl
2017 was a tough one. So much loss, and not nearly enough time spent recovering. It is now 2018, and it saddens me that I won't get to meet your precious face in March. Some days I feel guilty because the pain I felt from losing the love of my life (your dad), sent my stress, depression, and anxiety into overdrive. I feel that my energy made it impossible for me to carry you to term. I feel like if I was in a better headspace, you’d still be making your grand entrance this year. Even though we weren’t together at the time, your dad and I agreed to love and raise you in the healthiest environment you could ever imagine. I was genuinely excited. I remember when the doctor told me, I couldn’t stop smiling. Oh what I’d give to feel you growing inside of me right now. I needed to write this. I needed to finally grieve. I have been masking emotions long before your conception, and continue to do so after the loss. How cruel life can be. It gives and takes CONSISTENTLY...and I’ve been internally screaming, trying to find balance again. I’ve never been good with loss. It’s my kryptonite. Losing anything/anyone I love breaks me down to absolutely nothing. I feel empty. I have the biggest hole in my heart. I will always take pride in being your mother. I will always hold a spot for you in this family & in my heart.
It’s so hard because I didn't just lose a pregnancy....my child died. It’s the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones. I would be 7 months pregnant today & my emotions are running wild. You were carried for only a moment, but you will be loved for a lifetime. Instead of seeing your family, I know the first thing your little eyes will see when you open them is the face of Jesus and I find a little comfort in that. I’ll keep you in my prayers always my beautiful baby.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” -Psalm 34:18
