Nah
Kiyong,
First of all, as a disclaimer, I am not mad.
I don't know how to start this properly but I have been awake all night because I am not in peace. I cannot understand this at all.
I completely understand that we all have our own personal battles we try to win everyday. But we are a team. I just want to know what's going on in your head. You might tell me that we are fine but what's it all about when clearly things are not - or so I think. Like I always tell you, I notice every little inflictions and nuances in our conversations.
I'm just not receiving the assurance that I need because, guess what? You do not tell me at all about what's going on in your side. You always brush off my questions when I ask how you are feeling. You love keeping things to yourself.
I know there are some things that you fancy not sharing with me BUT at least give me a gist of about what it is. I always tell you that I am afraid that I might sound demanding.
But this time I am really demanding
I am 100% sure you know what it feels like to be consumed by your own thoughts because of half-assed explanations from people. I regret to say that I am getting that from you. Heck, you don't even tell me about how your day went because you ALWAYS think it's uneventful when, in fact, it is not.
Today, you went to Carigara and then you just sent goddamn pictures without even telling me how you felt when you went there. How you thought of the place. Why you even went there in the first place. All you ever said was you never liked the items sold in the baratillo (which you never said why nor showed me why you never liked them). I AM JUST BLANK.
And now you're talking to me in a way (which you call "not-in-the-mood") that leaves me hanging. I asked if you're okay, you said yes. I asked if you are down to have a conversation with me, you said you are. And I know for a fact that you were just coerced at some point to ask how my day went, for Christ's sake.
You post all these cryptic phrases on social media which, to be honest, I have no business whatsoever. But I am your boyfriend. I have the "right"? to know what's going on. Just to assure that everything's fine between you and me. Because with how you treat me sa chat and the unsuspecting posts, it's not impossible for me to think that I might be, one way or another, behind the posts. But NO! Instead you keep it to yourself.
And to be completely fair, you only go rant on social media when we are in a state like this. You did that multiple times. As in. So it's not surprising for me to think that I might have to do with it. Hays.
I am thinking you're afraid I might get involved or put a lot of mental gymnastics on whatever is going on in your side but of course I wouldn't let you deal things on your own - especially now that we're in this together.
It's hard. To be honest. I am trying my best.
I just wanna be understood as much as YOU like to be understood. This is very taxing on my part.
And if you think that I did something off-putting, THEN, PLEASE, TELL ME.
I am not a shrink nor a mind reader who can easily understand what's on your mind. I am so frustrated. As in. I wanna cry until the sun rise.
And if you need reminding - remember to always do things out of love, not out of hate.
You might think I am being overly dramatic but I am just acting like this because I feel underwhelmed. Completely underwhelmed. I am not getting any meaningful insights from your part. So much for open fucking communication. We're gonna be apart anytime soon when you start your new job.
You better be more fucking open than this. It's killing me.
I'm so helpless.
Gusto ko magwala huhu nakakafrustrate.
Love,
Dean
07|12|24
3:47 am