Deanine Says

confidently lost. 

[deaninesays]

Letter to my second ex

I really do hope all is well with you and you are living a much happier life than 5 years ago. I don’t have any ill feelings towards you, but I want so badly for you to know how deeply affected my life. My ex before you, yes he cheated. But cheating is almost like taking a bullet to the head. It happened BOOM and it’s over. You were much worse. It was like a slow and painful death. You felt every bit of it until it was finally over. I felt so emotionally abused by you. After the “6 month happy period” it was a spiral downward every month with you. We fought every other day over what? And when I would cry, you would call me weak. You broke up with me probably once a month and no matter what happened, I always apologized. I remember on the day of my 19th birthday party, I woke up to your phone being off. I didn’t know what to do, so I drove 45 minutes to your house just to make sure you were okay. You were fine, you were just in your feelings and you didn't even want to go to my party anymore so I should just go enjoy myself. On my 20th birthday, you didn’t want to go roller skating because you said “you were too grown for that kind of stuff”. You never told me I was pretty or beautiful or even “hey baby you look good today”. You criticized everything I wore and told me I needed a personal shopper. You called me out when I gained weight and made me feel like I was no longer desirable to you anymore. All in a matter of an 18 month relationship. You didn't trust me. You made me pay for all of your exes mistakes. I dealt with it because 1. I loved you and 2. You had a tragic life before me. But guess what? You turned out fine! Instead of seeing how far you have come and wanting more for yourself, you stayed in the same place and focused on how everyone has hurt you. And worst of it all, I took all the backlash. You had a kid. I never shared that with anyone at the time. And you never once appreciated that, a girl like me at 19 shouldn't have to deal with “baggage” BUT, I did anyways. I always thought you had to be physically abused or something REALLY bad such as cheated had to validate me for ending the relationship. Which is why I stuck around for as long as I did. But one day, I realized we weren't communicating at all that day and I never felt such relief. I was happy at the fact that we didn't talk because that meant we weren't fighting or I wasn’t feeling like crap. That is when I knew it was over and I hit my breaking point. Now, I have realized how much I feel I need validation from others on how I look. You came at a crucial time in my life of finding myself and you made me question whether whether I was a good person or even a beautiful person because I could never make you happy. I’m sorry I couldn't be your person, but I hope you found someone who can be. 

Sincerely, 

Slimm 

[deaninesays]

Do I know what I want?

I tell people I am not looking for love. But I constantly find myself yearning to have someone I can lean on; the first person I tell everything to. My person. I want to be someone’s first place & first choice. I want my biggest fan. I want to be on someone’s mind. I want to be comfortable enough to show someone else my true core and have someone love me because of who I am, flaws & all. Most of all, I just want to be wanted consistently. Even though deep down, I want all of these things, I fear of everything giving myself to another person fully ever again. In any relationship I have ever been in, there always that inconsistent hiccup. The first 3-6 months, we are happier than ever and we do little and big things to make the other person happy. Once we cross that hiccup, we stop treating that person as we once did. We stop making them feel special. We get lazy & we take for granted. I’m guilty of it and in worse case scenarios I have been the recipient of “less love”. Then I cry and question myself every night, what happened to us? What am I doing to make you love me less? When did I become less special? You used to want to spend your weekends with me, what happened? Of course, you cannot be perfect 100% of that time and life happens and people change based on the different circumstances. But love shouldn't change. I want to grow individually & as a team. But too many times in the past, I have been in situations where I have been kept from growing. Am I at fault? Somewhat, I am sure. Regardless, I am stuck at this point of would I rather spend half my nights feeling lonely, or spend half my nights thinking/worrying about what my “person” is doing when we aren’t talking? 

[deaninesays]

Letter to my first ex

Long time no talk. I wonder what we would even talk about. Remember high school? Remember when we didn't really know who we were but we knew we “loved” each other. But what did you really love about me? Because after the first 6 months honeymoon phase you switched up & made it seem like I was judgmental of you smoking weed and partying with certain people. You never gave me a the chance. You never invited me to smoke, or party. You told me I wasn't fun enough. In reality, you hooked up with God knows how many people at those parties and some of my closest friends behind closed doors. HELL you are actually still dating one of them. So what did you love about me again? Was it cause I was the pretty light skin girl who you had a few common interests with? Was it the fact that your family liked me? Was it cause I had a bright future? I remember the day you told me everything. We were broken up, but you were still trying to get me back. I even had a new boyfriend by this time, but obviously your first year of college, it takes a minute to actually get over your high school sweetheart. She told me a few names of the people you had hooked up with and I was taken aback that I no longer trusted anyone. I went down the list of my friends as I asked her, “did he hook up with this girl?” or, “okay how about her?”. When I confronted you, for once you were honest with me. Although it seems like a rough time for a girl to find out her ex slept with half her friend circle, I thank you. Because of that, I distanced myself from everyone I knew from high school and I moved onto college life. I found life long friends. I found BETTER friends. It took me sometime to realize that you didn't cheat me on because of me or anything I did. You were not man enough to realize a girl like me could ever REALLY & TRULY care about someone like you. And that’s unfortunate because you had great potential and I still believe that. But instead you continue to settle for less all for what.. INSECURITIES. It’s a sad life, but I’m no longer suffering. I was set free maybe 1 year after I found out everything. It hit me in the middle of the day out of nowhere. SO thank you for the lesson learned. I appreciate it. 

Love, 

Nectar 

[deaninesays]

Soulmate

I found someone who I have this unspoken bond with. I cannot really explain it to anyone and I choose not to because nobody will understand unless they have been there. I cannot be with this person on the level I want to because he is involved with someone else. I actually had to let him go because my feelings were getting too involved to be pushed to the side. I have never been so deeply attracted to someone and missed someone so deeply that I can't and never have been able to call mine. As I try to move on, I keep getting signs after signs that I need to keep him in my life. I find myself wanting to reach out just so he knows that even though via social media it looks like I’m moving on and having fun, but in reality I wish he could be enjoying it with me. 

[deaninesays]

Unconditional love.

This is a rare thing. I can't even say I have loved someone unconditionally. I mean there is family, but it’s almost like a preconceived bond you have before you enter this world. To actually go out into the world and find someone you can love unconditionally is so hard to find these days. I am open to it but a lot of people are mistaken on what love is. To love someone completely with all their greatness and flaws and to continue loving them when they can no longer do anything for you - that is unconditional love. I am terrified and excited to find this on my journey through life, but also in belief that someone out there can find the same love for me. 

[deaninesays]

Cheating

Answer this question - if you are completely single but hook up with someone who has already been claimed, does that make you a cheater too? Especially as a woman, we know how extremely horrible it feels to be cheated on. So aren't we cheating all women if we decide to give in to hooking up with someone who is already taken. If you had no idea.. whoops be more careful next time. But if you willingly hook up with someone knowing there's someone at home waiting for them..? If it doesn't make you a cheater, it definitely makes you a hypocrite because guaranteed you have been cheated on and felt like complete shit and now you just engaged in the possibility that someone else finding out and feeling like complete shit.

[deaninesays]

Manipulation

I recently found out that my "ex" was seeing someone the same time he was supposedly dating me. He told her he loved her, he slept at her house, he drove her car, he went out with her, he invited her around his friends. This girl is the same one I had suspicions about but never acted upon my instincts and in result I stuck around him for almost 3 years in which he never called me his girlfriend and now I'm being told for half that time there was another woman. If I knew my worth and knew my self-value, this would have never happened. Yes he manipulated me 100%. He made me believe I was the only one and that he loved me and that one day we would be in a committed relationship and every time I expressed things that bugged me or things that needed to change I believed him when he said it would change and he would work harder. BUT if I knew what I wanted and what I would not settle for, I would have never ended up wasting a chunk of my life on him. I wouldn't have settled for someone who was holding me back on my full potential for happiness. Luckily, something kicked me in the head and I ended it without even knowing about this "other girl" and I have been happier since. Every time I wan to feel sorry for myself, I cant because for one, I deserve better. Secondly, although it seemed like a waste of time, it was definitely a lesson learned. I know what to look for and what not to fall for. Also - now that I know about this girl, I know that she has put on a ton of weight, she isn't taking care of herself and she doesn't know her worth to let him treat her probably worse than he treated me. I'm blessed I am not that girl. I hope someone can read this and learn from it before wasting their time with a BUM.

[deaninesays]

That awkward age..

So right now... I’m 23 years old. I’m at that broke but fabulous stage in life. It’s a love and hate relationship I have with this year. I mean I love my life. It’s so much fun and I am very blessed and fortunate... BUT I am broke as shit and I am trying to figure out when that turns around? When do I get my life together? I have a job in event planning and management which is what I like to do but I can’t even live off this. Just recently moved back home until I can find a room for rent or roommates who are in the same financial stall as me. I’m always playing catch up on my bills, living paycheck to paycheck and I am unable to do one thing that I love most in this life....TRAVEL. I don’t have a dime in savings and I keep procrastinating that process to start saving. So like I said, when will this phase end? People say “I was the exact same when I was your age...” which doesnt help one bit. I dont wanna wait until I’m 30 to buy all the clothes I want and go to all the places I wanna go. I want to do it now!!!!! Life is ridiculously hard I swear they do not prepare you for this in high school nor college. Like... LIFE IS PRETTY FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Even if I did make more money... I could find a place to live, but how will I eat? Will I be wearing the same dress to work every other Tuesday? But besides all this complaining and confusion I feel, I am blessed & I love my life. 

[deaninesays]

$$

"Money can't buy you class" or "More money more problems" is what they say. Money is all I think about. Is that how it is for most people? I hear when you stop revolving your life about making money or when you job isnt all about making money, your happier that way? But how do you pay your bills? How do you make living? Your life isn't gonna be that great when you're not paying your dues. They also say the best things in life are free. Like what? Love? Family? Happiness? Well usually with love your paying for first dates. Family you gotta pay to travel to see them for the holidays? Happiness.. usually comes from those things that cost money from the beginning. I'm not saying I love money. I wanna get rid of it the moment I get it. That's not love. I love what it can do for me. Thats not a good kind of love. Is that even a kind of love? IT seems like use and abuse lol or maybe addiction.

[deaninesays]

Today

Today was indifferent. You see I have a hard time spending more than a few hours alone. I always wondered why I am that way. I'm very independent and don't mind doing things alone, but being alone at home really bugs me. What makes people scared of being alone? It isn't the worse thing that can happen. It sucks to be lonely, but you would think after spending all day around people and living with 4 other people, I would appreciate my alone time. Today was almost miserable. The beginning I saw my best friend and I was cool. The second half I spent cleaning, sleeping and watching TV...alone. Now I feel a sense of sorrow. I'm trying to figure out how to be alone because I don't want to drive people away by becoming clingy and needy. Hopefully, learning to love myself will make me want to spend more time just with myself. I keep telling myself that I should love myself and be my own best friend because that will help me control my own happiness and loneliness will not be able to get the best of me.