Anonymous asked: to ana: are you taking writing ideas for dean? I think it would be really dramatic and angst (my favorite) for dean to find something of cas’s and completely break down in a post. it would def need talented writing to pull it off, and I think you’re the person. anyways, just an idea and I love your works :)
A/N: You’re request came at the most opportune time, my friend :) Been wanting to write this one for a while :)
I’ve put it off enough. Every car in the garage has been cleaned twice since everything happened, all except that junk pickup… He just showed up in it after I went to ground zero. I thought it was better than the pimpmobile he had before but… It just looks like a pile of scrap metal without someone to drive her. Sue me if I think about cars sometimes.
But like I said, I’ve put off cleaning the truck. I didn’t know what I was gonna find in there after all the damn diapers.
The back of the truck was empty after we got rid of the diapers, but the inside still had that busted up piece of leather Cas called seats. The thing needs a fresh set of just about everything, but Cas always did like to keep his cars as clean as he could given what he had. The pimpmobile never had food or dirt in it, though in fairness Cas didn’t eat and he had mojo to heal wounds back then…
The thing still looked clean even if it hasn’t been driven in a while. I thought I could just get in and give it a whirl to keep the engine up to speed and the oil from not sitting in there. Didn’t even think about what else could be in there, or what was in the cassette player.
The tracks are easy to remember, probably because I spent a solid eighteen hours transferring each one over a few years ago. Led Zeppelin was the soundtrack of my life. Still is. “Ramble On” would go into “Traveling Riverside Blues,” “What is and What Should Never Be” coming next right after. 13 tracks… All of them from times in my life, all of them meaning something that hit home with me.
… I told him to keep it. It made sense that it’s here… I remember giving him the damn thing, after he’d asked who “Agents Clapton and Page” were based off of. The amount of hours I spent trying to get the guy to see the point of Zepp’s music…
“Houses of the Holy” came on and my brain jumped back. I couldn’t stop it. Suddenly I was back in the bunker with Cas and I was trying to teach him how to use the Walkman that we still had so he could listen to the cassettes without having to be in the Impala (and so he didn’t take a joyride in Baby because he wanted to listen to the music like he’d done once before). I could hear the music from the headphones and time the beats to the lyrics in the song. “Ramble On” had been the first I showed him, but “Houses of the Holy” is when he just got real serious and tilted his head in that way he does. The first song talked about freedom, and the second talked about an angel on your shoulder, in your hand a sword of gold. He’d taken the words to heart from both songs, I guess, but next thing I know every time he asked to borrow the tape he’d listen to just listen that those two songs before any of the others. Didn’t matter that one was first and the other was in the middle of the recording. Cas just listened, and as time got on I’d find him in the bunker just listening to the whole tape after or the music playing somewhere else, always those songs first.
Wasn’t long after that I found myself without the tape more times than I had it, so I gave it to him and told him to keep it. He knew the words by heart even if he didn’t tell me. I’d caught him more than once singing them out when Sam was out and we were driving back from a case. He knew he was caught whenever I’d turn the volume down to hear him. He’d sing a few words, realized what I did, then get quiet at first. I’d laugh and then turn the music back up and that would be it. As the years went on, though, he’d keep singing and I’d just listen to that while the tape rolled. Sam would still be out and I’d feel like I was about to fall asleep myself. It felt… I dunno, “peaceful” doesn’t sound like it means everything it’s supposed to, but I used to love those moments. Made it feel like the world wasn’t out to get us for even a few minutes… The last time we did that was probably months ago now after everything that’s happened.
Never occurred to me when he got his own cars that he’d put the tape in, that he’d even keep it on him to transfer it over when he’d lost the other car. I didn’t think it’d even phase me ‘cause I listen to the songs, too, when Cas wasn’t not around, but…
The music kept playing while I was just sitting there in the truck. “Immigrant Song,” “The Song Remains the Same,” “You Shook Me,” on and on. I couldn’t move. Flashback after flashback came with each song after those two until they repeated, and then new flashbacks would start. Without realizing it I found myself mouthing the words and then turning the volume down to try to trick Cas into singing again until—
Then I’d realized what happened. Realized all the crap that happened and how those moments may never happen again.
Sam found me like that, had to get me out. Apparently, I wasn’t even responding to anything he said; just went full mute like I did when I was a kid. I really had him freaked.
