Dear Charlie

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie writes to a friend. This blog is the friend and you write the letters. Its also completely anonymous. I'm the only one that sees who writes the letters.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I desperately wish I could turn back time. I'm so scared of the future. I hate the feeling of uncertainty

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Why do the wronged always have to be the bigger person :( I feel so small and forgettable

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I wish I had a friend like you when I needed it the most. The truth is, I had no one. People saw me all alone and didn't think to step in and ask me if I wanted to join them. Nobody invited me to events. I wasn't given phone numbers. I was always an afterthought, never a priority. My life is better these days but I'm still feeling lonely. I think there's a part of me that will always feel like a wallflower. A part of me that longs for friendship but will never have it. I wish people knew me.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Thanks for keeping this blog going all these years. It helps letting thoughts out. I hope you're okay.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I wanted to kill myself when I was a teenager. I wanted to disappear. I saw everyone around me having fun, getting boyfriends and moving forward with their lives. And now I'm in my 30s and married. I can't believe how lucky I am. I never thought it would happen for me. If younger me could see me now, maybe my teens wouldn't have felt so dark

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

things have been strange lately. i feel like seaweed. alive. breathing. noticing that the tide is changing around me, and wanting so desperately to change with it... and yet the desperation is not enough to uproot me.

does this make sense?

the air around me feels charged with possibility, but rather than the currents of electricity energizing me, i just keep reaching out and getting a slight shock.

i decided that i would try my hardest this month. for the full 31 days, i will try to eat better and move more and write often. and if i see change, significant change, i'll keep going into the next month.

i don't want to be the way i am anymore charlie.

that is something that hasn't changed since i was 9 years old. i want to get to a place where that isn't a thought that plagues me anymore... to a place where, when that thought arises, the only imaginable response i can have is ' but why not?'

incidentally, I have been listening to a lot of japanese city pop recently. the vibes are great. i highly recommend.

i'll check back in at the end of the month.

love always,

fat girl

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hi, it is me again. I wanted to update you that its been 3 months since I get regularly checked by doctors. I am diagnosed with GAD and is regularly taking medications. I will also have therapy soon, im just having a hard time scheduling it right now because a lot of things are happening at work. I am just grateful that i took that big step of getting diagnosed, i do not think i would have been able to survive this fked up project today if it wasnt for those meds that keeps me sane. Charlie, I still get nervous and really really anxious but i think im handling it way better than I am used to. Recently some people at work got promoted, at first to be honest I accepted that I will not be promoted at this time since im still relying on my manager. But now it got me thinking i have been putting so much effort on this work but why am i not recognized, is it because i have anxiety and not capable of leading my own? Those were the thoughts that keeps on running in my head. I wanted to ask my manager if my effort wasnt enough or am i not doing enough but since we still have a lot of things to, im trying to put this aside and prioritize what is more needed. I am trying to be patient but now i know I am sad for myself do not get me wrong i am genuinely happy for others but i can also be sad for myself right? haha charlie i couldnt tell this to anyone and i will probably breakdown if i dont talk about this. It is making me sad and depressed and making me want to move to a new work but idk can someone give me a sign? but i do love my manager and our team so i really dont know.

Hazel Grace

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I hate my name. It always makes me stand out. People treat me different. I'm always the odd one out. I know this sounds stupid but it's really holding me back.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I'm so scared that I'll never have another best friend. I wish I was someone else, someone who people wanted to be around

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Tonight I am rewatching "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and it brought me back to your page. In high school I religiously wrote to you and maintained a very active Tumblr account. From time to time I have looked to make sure your account was still up so it's not a surprise to me that I am writing once again over twelve years later.

I am here to tell you that it does get better. There are times that I feel extremely low however the good parts of life are so good I am extremely happy I kept living. I have a husband, a house, children, and friends in my corner who truly care.

While my past still haunts me and creeps up to remind me of where I've been, I am so glad I pushed through it. If you're struggling keep going.

Thank you for everything,

The no longer depressed girl.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

charlie what am i even supposed to say anymore? every fucking day since i was 13 i have been telling myself "it will get better." "you will be better." Just wait until 15 just wait until college just wait until 21 just wait until 25 and all i do is wait and wait and wait and tell myself that the future will be better or different. and i try and i relapse and i spiral and i get up again and repeat and rinse and repeat and each time i fall down it's a harder fall than the time before it.

i get myself back up. i bandage myself back up. and i tell myself i'm not alone. and i rely on others and i try to change, but i'm somehow always changing tin the wrong ways or not enough or too steadfast and i'm too stuck in my ways. and i feel like shit and i look like shit and always on the outside of greatness, looking in and wondering... and waiting.

always. fucking. waiting.

and time never stops moving forward, the clock never stops ticking. and i look around me and i can see the beauty in the sun and the trees and my dog when she smiles and the concerts and the experiences and friends and acquaintances and strangers and good food and funny videos and i know i'm seeing them just as beautifully as the next person would and even still...

even then, none of it is enough. i'm talking to the man i love in 4 days. my "best friend" is getting married in 19. i went through out patient and i've met lovely people and i saw that group in concert that i never thought i'd ever see and none. of. it. is. enough.

i'm told to live in the here, the now. but my moments of clarity when i realize where i am and everything i've done and seen and overcome, they don't feel like joy or victory. and when i sit with myself and i look around at where i am and who i am, i don't feel better. i don't feel peace. i feel sick. i feel the vomit climbing up the back of my throat and i feel the weight and pressure of everything sit heavy on my shoulders and my chest and i don't feel happy. i don't feel grateful. i feel fucking pathetic. i feel like the only thing that has ever kept me going is looking forward to a future that is never going to fucking arrive.

i start to realize that the only thing i've ever wanted for, consistently, desperately, is death. i want it in the present. i want it in the now. even as i type this i'm trying to remind myself in the back of my mind, that i'm too fat for an overdose to work and that my mom is home so i can't even try to use the gun and if i drown myself it will be harder for the paramedics to lift my fat useless fucking body. and i have to keep all those thoughts on repeat or i'll still try them. ending it is always in the back of my mind.

charlie, when i first read the perks of being a wallflower, i remember how at peace i felt knowing that there was someone who understood the idea of "getting bad again", but now, i wonder if there was ever a time between your worst and your best where you felt like i do now. is it called "getting bad again" even when you don't ever get better?

i've never been more pissed off about that stupid update letter you left, than i am right now... because even fictional people can somehow figure it out, and yet here i am... HERE I FUCKING AM.

love always,

fat girl

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hello it’s my first time writing for the first time, I hope I don’t sound weird or anything like that but I’m finding it hard to keep it together, every day is just so draining and I can’t stop thinking about it, his voice echoing through the hallway but that’s The only thing I can remember his voice, everything else is gone. I find it scary that I don’t know what actually happened, anything could happen and I don’t know, but I think the scariest part is I can tell how angry he was from his voice. He wasn’t even yelling, which is weird because that man is always yelling about something. I just feel so numb. I don’t Flinch anymore when someone raises their voice, I don’t hide in a corner anymore. I stand there and don’t do anything. If I was the same person I was a year ago I was yelled back. I would’ve said something I wouldn’t have just stood there. Thank you for listening charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I’ve followed you for probably nearly 10 years, I’ve never asked only read

I’m writing to you Charlie

Thank you for being a great friend. Thankyou for loving us. Thankyou for understanding us

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

it’s been so long since i’ve written to you. i don’t even remember the last time that i did. so much has changed. my brother died 2 and a half months ago. my only sibling the only person i grew up with. my life is broken. i used to have big dream for my life there was so many things i wanted to do. i have nothing. it’s completely broken my parents and my relationship to them. i feel so far away from everyone, so disconnected. because my brother died i can’t do anything to myself that’s permanent or that greatly impacts other people around me but i learned just because i can’t kill myself doesn’t mean i can’t hurt myself. purging cutting not eating abusing drugs anything i can do i have been doing. at the end it all just makes me tired though. i’m just tired of waking up and going through the day. i don’t want to do it anymore but i don’t have a choice.

i miss feeling connected. it makes me miss my ex i knew him so well for over a decade. i have friends and i love them an they love me but something makes me feel so far away and distant. i feel small. i’m scared of myself and my life. i can’t protect myself from me.

thank you for listening charlie.

s <3

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I just finished my IOP for the week. another group member graduated today. my graduation is on april 2nd, the day before my birthday. i have watched two people graduate so far and i don't think i will be like them.

what i mean is that they have both seemed ready to go. they both have seemed to have grown, even just in the time i've known them. i do not feel as if i have grown. i don't even know the first thing to do in order to get rid of these feelings... i mean i know that i need to stop taking drugs, but past that, i have no idea.

i still feel like i've been shoved inside a meat grinder and in between the bits of flesh and blood they've found a slurried sludge of longing and guilt and shame. my body aches from the inside out. my head pounds and my tears are hot when they fall. and somewhere deep in the back of my mind i am still every version of myself that i've ever been, but i don't know how to get back to any of them. if i stare at them too long, they don't even look the same.

but from the first letter i ever wrote here, to the one i'm writing now, the same thought comes to me, echoing and reverberating, "is this pretty enough?" "will these words make someone feel something?" "is this good?" "will someone-- anyone please, just think i'm good?"

I'm tired. I've been high everyday for the past week and i don't want to be anymore... but i also don't want to feel like the meat grinder is tearing away at me.

i feel like franz kafka and sylvia plath are screaming inside my head and instead of it being beautiful, it's hideous. it's tiresome.

i just want it to be beautiful. i want to be beautiful.

Charlie, are these words making any sense? Do you understand? Does anyone?

IOP has had the theme of 'honesty' this week... And if I'm being honest, I have spent almost every sober moment thinking about dying. I haven't been inside my body in years, but I still hate it the same way I did as a child. If I'm being honest, I don't think I'll ever get better because no one will tell me how and I'm too exhausted of trying to do everything on my own, to somehow do this too.

I get why you listened to Asleep by The Smiths when you were getting bad again. I really wish someone would sing me to sleep. I really, truly am tired and I'd give anything to be able to go to bed, Charlie. I really would.

Incidentally, I'm going to a concert at the end of this month and I really hope it will be good.

Love always,

fat girl

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

its 4th of march today, and a lot of things are happening good and bad but i still do not know if im feeling okay or not. I wanted to tell you a lot of things but im not sure where should i start hahaha i just hope i would start feeling better and that people around does not actually hate me. and that my manager is not regretting to tell our ceo that im doing well at work or something idk but i feel like im not doing my best these past few days and i hate it.

i have an appointment to a doctor for my mental health this sunday, i just wanted to tell you because i promise this on you and to myself as well that in the month of february and i still dont fell better i will start seeing a doctor and here i am!! its been 10 years charlie since i have become suicidal i hope things will get better soon and i hope other people too who are still writing letters to you :)))))

i hope you are proud of me and i will write to you again soon (sorry not going to read this again i think this is a bad writing lol)

hazel grace

[dear--charlie]

hi charlie ive been trying to send you letters since last yr but none of it were posted, am i banned? :(

Hello, I'm so sorry for any issues you've had in submitting letters. I wouldn't be able to tell you if you were blocked/banned without knowing your account name, but given that I received this anonymous ask, I would say that if you'd like to submit any letters, try doing so anonymously.

Thank you for your understanding and for reaching out. Thank you also, for wanting to use this space. I appreciate it more than you know. I hope you're well.