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Oct 31 2025

12:04am

Yeah it’s not gonna work out

I don’t know why I thought it would. But I fucked up :)

12:04 am

All thoughts within the same minute

10/03/2025

I don’t know what I’m doing, and I know I shouldn’t have put myself into this situation. Ooops

Apparently I like bad decisions or I don’t know hours to choose the right ones

29. Soon to be 30.

10:19PM

09/05/2025

All I can do is wonder who you think about

10:23PM

July 21, 2024

Im leaving him. I haven’t told him, but I am. I was just emotional for no reason. Just my period, it was what made me emotional for no reason

June 3, 2024. 11:36am

Why do they have such a strong choke hold over me?

It’s not like they’re physically here

It’s not like they care or need too at all

It’s not like it’s their duty

So why is their choke hold so strong?

Do they know that?

I need space, I need time

How to I get this feeling to go away

It’s not like I can talk to anyone about it

I don’t know what to do

It’s not like I can alter my life to ignore it

I don’t know what to do

11:40am

May 16, 2014 @ 6:42PM

Where do I begin?

We kissed, and that’s that.

There’s a sexual tension between us that I can’t deny

Everything leading up to it made me think there would be more, but anxiety and nervousness arose.

I wish I could say it felt wrong, and that it shouldn’t have happened. By why did it feel right? Why do I not feel guilty?

Since then all I’ve wanted to do is go back and share more moments together. I can’t say that I have feelings, but I can say that it has made me wonder ‘what if’?

What if things had been different

What if it had been us, where would we have been now?

We have so much more in common than I thought.

Do I miss the past? Why don’t I feel guilt?

I would have never search for anything, it just…happened

I don’t really know how to feel or how to go about it. All my heart desires is us to be in the same place, just us, only us.

I don’t know what the next few months will bring, but I all I know is I want more moments with them.

It was different than what I’ve experienced.

He asked me to look him in the eyes, and I had never thought about eye contact. It made me so much more real and intimate?

I don’t know how any of this will play out…but I do hope it doesn’t end in a mess.

I’m nervous and a bit anxious, but overall wanting to have my moments… I do hope it works out in silence.

6:51PM

April 28, 2024 12:54 am

I don’t want to he sad today

I would I could say not anywhere

I don’t want to be sad today

12:54 am

April 28@12:27am

Im sad today

Technically 27th into the 28th

I miss us

Or miss my past

We’re all in the future now

Everything has changed, where are we now?

12:29am

April 13, 2024 @10:39PM

I don’t want to be sad tonight.

10:39PM

April 2, 2024 @12:47AM

What is life?

Does everyone go through the same emotions, and events?

I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what my future holds.

But all I see is indecisiveness. Oh my part and others, where do we go from here?

We’ve been having random conversations, it’s been nice but so many questions arrive from them.

I want to be able to talk to them privately, or at least on our own. But I don’t see that happening at any time.

I’m actually a bit nervous about May. I don’t know what that trip will bring, same house hold, same outings. I’m quite anxious about it.

Being drunk with your fav person is different. I wish things were different. He made me wonder of what if? Why did he have to say it

I had let go, but ever since we’ve talked. So much of my past emotions have come up…

Where do we go from here?

12:53AM

March 15, 4:23 AM

I swear I don’t know where I stand. I feel like I’m lost in translation, but who’s translating?

A part of me does that want to live the life I’m living now.

I’m so confused and I don’t know how to get out of this. Am I happy? Or am I content? Am I settling? How do I get out? Get out inside of my mind? Out of my head?

4:32AM

March 12, 2024. 9:39PM

My chest feels heavy. I feel like I can’t think straight.

Everything keeps moving forward and I feel stuck in place.

What is going on? Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I let this go?

I don’t know what to say… I’ve left out so much that’s happened since our ‘big’ conversation. There have been times when it’s just been us two, and we just hold hands. Why?

Why?

WHY?

I don’t know why drunk me, feels fine and more than willing to hold on. Why does drunk me feel fine? The last we sat across from each other, I couldn’t help but wonder why I thought it was okay. Do I just like being held?

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE physical touch. I crave it, makes me feel wanted. Or maybe makes me feel like I’m loved, but who knows if that’s the other party’s language?

Anyways Saturday I was caught off guard. I came out the restroom and he was alone. I asked if he was okay, and I’m not really sure what else I asked, but I couldn’t hear him so I asked him to come closer. I could swear he kissed my neck, or he wanted something more. Had he kissed my neck hard enough, he would’ve left a mark. It was quick, but it was enough for my heart to stop. Am I crazy? He swears he blacked out, so does that mean he doesn’t remember?

Should I ask…do you remember waiting outside the bathroom?

Why am I letting this happen? How does he truely feel? I’m so in over my head, I don’t know why I let it happen. The way he caresses my leg, or plays footsies. WHY DO I LET IT HAPPEN?

Then, in May we all plan to go somewhere. Am I afraid? Yes. And I sure there will be time to hide away? I’m sure. When? Who knows. I hope we can stay away, but can I trust myself? Drunk me can’t be trusted. I let my emotions or feelings carry me away. I’m excited but anxious. What to do what to do what to do. I’m scared.

I want to message him. But wouldn’t he have done so? I don’t want to message and it’s taking everything inside me not too. Who can I talk to this about? No one. I know it’s wrong. But it doesn’t feel wrong. Am I crazy?

9:54PM

February 22, 2024 8:54PM

I’m having a hard time being emotionally available. I have a hard time articulating how I feel towards others. I wonder if it has to do with the fear of losing them, or having them go. I wish I could understand myself better, I wish I could articulate how I feel towards others. But my heart and mind won’t let me.

Whenever it has to do with my feelings, it just makes me cry and cry and cry. I wish I could stop it. I wish I could change.

I wish you never told me. I wish, I didn’t wish.

It would be nice to know.

What if?

What if things were different?

What if you chose me?

Would we be in a different path?

Would I have been happier?

Would you have been happier?

Do I deserve to know?

I have this heavy weight on my chest that doesn’t leave.

I look at you, and my heart starts beating faster.

But my chest feels so heavy. So fucking heavy.

Why can’t I let it go?

*rereads*

Why can’t I let it go

I wish I knew how you felt.

I know you’ve told me, but was that everything?

I get snippets and random memories.

It feels like tug a war with my heart and my mind.

I don’t know who’s winning but I feel that battle within me.

I just want to breathe, I just want the world to stop. I want to be able to think but I can’t.

9:04PM

I really hope this says with me.

9:05PM

February 15,2024 12:26AM

my heart still feels like it’s gonna beat right out of my chest. I can’t take it anymore. I want to relax but nothing. I tried looking for my old journal, I’m starting to think I threw it out. I don’t remember.

Thursday is today…he wants breakfast and a movie before he goes to work. Let’s see how it goes

I’m so messy. I see him Saturday and apparently he’s going to pick me up. This will be the first time since our talk that we’ll be face to face. And my heart still feels the same. I feel the anxiety building inside me. I tried to breathe but my chest feels heavy. I wish I could say everything is fine but is it? Maybe we’ll finish our conversation in person, we’ll see.

12:30am

February 12, 2024. 9:57PM

I wanna say these last three days have been crazy. Lemme say since May 17th 2023 has been crazy. Everything leading up to today.

My heart aches, I feel like it can pound right out of my chest. He’s reminding me of things that happened YEARS ago. So much of it has come back to my memory. Being with him, seeing him, talking to him. I just don’t understand why after so long? I understand it’s for closure, and I’m glad for it. But it’s only made me uneasy. I asked him two different occasions, drunkingly, is drunk you and sober you feeling the same way, he says same way. I then ask him sober, is drunk you and sober you feeling the same way, he says yes. My heart can’t take this. My chest feels heavy, I feel a weight over me. Is this innocent? I can vouch for drunk me…I love having out hands intertwine, it rekindles a feeling I craved and missed. 2014 won’t give me that. He is not a physical touch person, only if he wants it.

I asked him…travels in May? He said yes, we’ll see what it brings but I’m scared. I don’t wanna do the wrong thing. I don’t think I’d do the wrong thing? I wish I knew myself better. I’m struggling, sooo much.

10:05PM

January 2, 2024. 2:50am

I’m letting go, I’m leaving him.

There was a lot of back in forth, but today felt like my last straw. I had hope we can figure things out but his attitude isn’t something he can change. He doesn’t know how to communicate, regardless of how many times I try to explain. There is only so much I can take, and today was my last straw.

I know he’s angry at the world, but it doesn’t mean he should be angry and impatient with me too.

He might not always be upset with me, but when other things upset him, it’s me who he takes it out, verbally.

Until next time, when I figure out how to leave. I can’t do this anymore

2:55am

May 17, 2023 11:04PM

Finally finished. Graduation is on Friday.

I’m more worried about being a mess emotionally

I’ll keep you posted.

Until then

-G

11:06PM

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