Tinkle Tinkle Hoy

“One day I realized that talking to God was just talking to myself.”

[nixscriptum]

[persianmom-deactivated20260602]

googling how to kill the part of myself that feels everything deeply without killing myself

[dear-muramoto-san]

Feel like I’m constantly experiencing ego death. Do I even have a person. An identity. Anything? Am I anything?

[siix-eyes]

Blood on the Tracks | Chi no Wadachi - chapter 118

[dear-muramoto-san]

Dear God, dear God, tinkle tinkle hoy.

[mangadore]

[dear-muramoto-san]

Wednesdays are so cursed for me. Wednesdays are the most dogshit abysmal day of the week.

[dear-muramoto-san]

My problem is I have a problem imagining my happiness. And that’s why I think I will never obtain it. If I could just figure out how to picture something realistic and believe it, then maybe I could get out of this.

[dear-muramoto-san]

I believe that I can stop. I have to. I have no choice. I have to believe there’s a better life out there. Everything’s scary, and miserable, yes, that’s true. But some people have beautiful lives. And I get stuck in this thought loop where I’m like “I’m not one of the people who gets to have that.” But maybe I’ll just die trying. Why live a life where I might as well be dead if I’m not actually going to go through with dying? If I’m alive, I have to try. That’s just it. When I stop trying, that’s when I should die.

[dear-muramoto-san]

I’ve been talking to Paige less the past few days. She must be busy. But with Curt flaking on me the other day, Edward icing me, and my schedule not matching up with James’, I’ve just been alone a lot. And lonely. I want companionship. I want my friends to miss me and want to talk to me. I want them to be close. Everyone always feels so far away and distant. Man. They seem like such simple things. I’d never take them for granted if I had them. The current state of most of my friendships makes me sad.

[dear-muramoto-san]

It’s time to fill my brain with things that make me happy again now that there will be more space up there. Maybe I’ll really go back to my roots and play my favorite video game tomorrow. The world is my oyster.

[dear-muramoto-san]

To think I just had the choice this whole time. My stupid ass OCD was making up some dumb rule again that nobody said I had to follow but myself. God I need that diagnosis and CBT asap, I can’t keep living like this. Now if only any therapist would accept my shitty government insurance, ‘cause 150 for a session on average is just not some shit I can afford.

[dear-muramoto-san]

What I’m really doing is freeing both of us actually. Now neither of us has the choice to look back. The thing I was waiting to see if you’d do before me, I ended up doing first. And three months in advance at that. James would be proud of me.

[dear-muramoto-san]

I was on Substack reading for a bit and the clarity some of those articles has given me is really the shit I needed to see. My indecision causes me agony. If I say I’ll do something, I need to just do it. No more hopeless waiting. No more wishing and wringing my hands. Action is different from reaction. Reaction is moving out of panic. Action comes with thought. I’m learning that now. I need to keep that in mind, remember that. I suffered because I couldn’t decide. Maybe now that I officially have, I’ve freed myself from looking back and feeding the delusions. Maybe that’s really all it took to get out of there.

[dear-muramoto-san]

The problem is I set the trap and then I walked into it. That saying about drinking poison and hoping the other person dies, that’s me to a T. But not anymore. I’m officially washing my hands of this.

[dear-muramoto-san]

Now I just need strength. For the other things in my life I need to fix. I hate to admit it, but this has been the darkest cloud over everything else in my life. It's easy to blame my stagnation on this one thing, but it really, really did affect me that much. I was starting to suspect it was the reason for my hair loss, even. I felt like I was actually moving forward for a few months at the beginning of the year, and then he went and ruined it and I got set back, plunged back into the darkest hole I could be plunged into. But now it's like the curse has been lifted, the spell has been broken. This has always been the one thing that made me give up on my delusions whenever this shit happened in the past. I'm so glad I almost can't even let myself feel euphoric.

[dear-muramoto-san]

The one of two things that I've been wishing for to help me move on, I finally got. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. You can stop torturing yourself now. You can stop wondering. That was it. It's really, really over. No more waiting for what will never come. This is good. Things can change. Things can be better. I'll be alright. And I can enjoy that concert now.