Dear Trashpanda...

TP (Trashpanda) | 24 (30) | he/him

[dear-trashpanda]

"I'm a disabled, queer, polyamorous trans kid, who is also his own brother."

I'm never sure if I'm nailing or failing those "How would you describe yourself in one sentence?"-games...

[eucalyptus-sage]

honestly that "it costs 0 dollars to be kind" bullshit is bullshit. it does cost things to be kind. it costs time. it costs energy. and it isn't always easy and it isn't always natural. it costs so much to be kind, sometimes. but that's the whole point. if being kind were easy, or simple, every single person would be an angel. but they're not, and the world isn't easy and simple. so no, it does cost something to be kind. but it's worth it anyway.

[dear-trashpanda]

It's easy to do the right thing when it's convenient or when it benefits us. That's why it's paramount to have strong principles, because doing the right thing, or at least wanting to do the right thing, should be universal, even when it goes against every emotional fiber of our being.

There may not be an objective truth about what the "right thing" is, I don't believe these questions have a universal answer, but I do believe that people can come to their own truths and stick to those, as much as possible.

[dear-trashpanda]

Me, the morning after receiving my second COVID vaccine: my body resentfully rejects any continued attempt at existing. Nice knowing y'all.

My skeletal remains: totally worth it tho!!!

[nebulover]

reminder that trans people can be fat. trans people can like being fat. trans people can be confident and fat. trans people dont have to lose weight to pass or be more attractive.

if you're trans and fat i love you, our bodies are stunning, we dont have to conform to skinny people's standards. fat trans people are incredible and deserve the world.

i love my fat trans body.

thin people may reblog but dont say anything. transmeds, transphobes, and fatphobes DNI.

[dear-trashpanda]

I struggle with my body some days, with my curvy hips, with how I have boobs even in a binder and how I would look really weird if I didn't, because the rest of me is just curves on curves, and my body requires some fat on my chest. But not everyday. Most of the time I do love my fat trans body. It's mine.

[dear-trashpanda]

Okay so I'm living off of leftover ADHD meds until my assessment is complete and I can finally get my own prescription (unfortunately my doctor is very busy these days so I have to wait a month between appointments). Which means I have to ration my productive days.

I try to be smart about it and save up as much as I can so there is a pill for me on those days when I need to go somewhere or do something that would be too hard to do unmedicated. It's weird structuring my days around the availability of meds, it's like, okay, this day something is going to happen so I take meds, what else an I shove into that 12-hour window? And also, okay, nothing happens this weekend so I can afford to have little to no functionality – I'm hoping I can get some stuff done but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.

One of the things I'll have to learn once I have my own meds is that I won't have to jam pack every day with as much productive stuff as physically possible. I'll have to learn that I'm allowed to just enjoy myself and relax, or do things for myself, just for the sake of fun. I need to unlearn my association of pills with obligation and responsibilities, because while they enable me to do all sorts of things, right now all I have in mind is what NEEDS to be done and I find myself starved for fun.

Although, this sense of accomplishment is a very real high, I want to be able to lead a balanced life where I am also able and willing to find the time for myself and do self-care on a higher level. On a level where it goes beyond basic body maintenance and internalising disability. I guess I'll have to learn to internalise ability as much as disability, and I mean real ability here, not the type I'm used to. I'm talking about sustainable ability here, not the will-powered, self-destructive fight or spiralling into a state where I'm desperate to do things until I drop, knowing all too well that I will inevitably drop and then I won't be able to do things for a long long while.

I find it hard to imagine that this is a real option for me, but at the same time I know that it is. And one of the lessons I'm yet to learn is that while the pills do feel magical, and they do give me abilities I wouldn't otherwise have, they don't make me not disabled. They don't make me neurotypical.

I'll still have struggles, I'll still have things I won't be able to do, and I'll still have bad days and broken days and that's okay. I don't have to be the most functional/productive human being ever. Having the ability to do things doesn't necessarily give me the obligation of doing everything always. I get to pick and choose what I spend my energy on, regardless of the amount I have. Just because I have more of it, it doesn't mean that I have to spend all of it on adulting. This is very important to keep in mind, and I can easily see myself missing the mark. But I'll learn. I know I will.

[dear-trashpanda]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST GOT MY PERMANENT RESIDENCE PERMIT!!! I'M A LEGAL IMMIGRANT FOREVER!!!

[dear-trashpanda]

I spent the majority of last year sleeping, or zombie walking around the house. I was so depressed that I just couldn't do anything, and even the simplest tasks required so much effort that I needed 2-3 naps during the day just to get through it.

Today, I achieved more than what I did most of last year. I'm feeling great, I'm on top of things and after a day spent second hand shopping, I came home, put away my new clothes, sorted out all my and Hound's shoes, made a donate pile and put away what we keep, the collected and put on the trailer/in the car what the guys need to bring to move Bat into her new apartment tomorrow, walked the dog, made sure I've eaten the right amount of calories, packed a travel bag for Cat and made a list of tasks I'm going to do tomorrow.

Earlier, when Cat was tired and ran out of energy, I just looked at him and I said the sentence, "Don't worry, I'm handling this". And at that moment I realised two things.

1, I told the truth. I AM handling all this.

And

2, FUCK I LOVE THAT I CAN JUST DO THAT!!!

[dear-trashpanda]

I had a dream last night. My parents and I were somewhere together, and both Hound and I were there. And we went to this church type building where there were a lot of people there and a guy who was the main speaker (?) or the host of the event was going around and asked everybody to introduce themselves by name. And Hound was very flustered, and he didn't want to say his name, but the guy kept pushing it, so he eventually kind of in a whisper said his name was [Phoenix' Name]. And our dad looked at him and said "No, don't say that. You can say your own name!" So Hound said it. And dad just looked so proud and he stood up and told the man that this was his son and he was transgender. I could barely hold back tears.

Even though this is completely out of character for my dad and he would NEVER just stand up in the middle of an event to draw attention to himself or us, it was still such a lovely dream and it filled me great hope for the future, because the part that's not at all unrealistic is that my dad would one day call Hound his chosen name and be proud of having a son.

[dear-trashpanda]

Ten years ago today our life changed forever.

For some reason (I still have no clue what brought us to this decision) we went to university freshman camp. We were tentative and felt utterly lost among all the city folks and the loud college kids that started the party as soon as we've arrived.

And then, during the first day's team building games, we met this girl. She was... Different. Easy-going, posh and seemingly so self-assured. And she smoked insanely expensive cigarettes which we just had to comment on. So she offered us one. Then we grabbed a drink, decided to skip dinner to have some beers in the forest instead and we swore that we would be best friends forever. Best friends that never talked but when they occasionally bumped into each other, would pick up exactly where they left off last time.

And from that moment on, we were inseparable.

She stood by us in the deepest of our misery. She was there for the good times and the bad times and the worst. Sometimes from afar, sometimes from my own living room, but she was always there, following, leading, supporting and loving.

She was there to welcome Hound and I when Phoenix died. She was with us in Denmark for a while but then life got in the way and our paths diverged again.

She is still here today. My friend, my platonic Woman, my muse and the source of my million headaches.

@just-orsha Happy anniversary! We survived the first decade, we totally nailed it too, so nothing to do now but whip out the champagne and onto the next one! Times change, we change, the world might be ending, but one thing will never change: at the end of the day, we will always be. ❤️

And to top it off, here's the most unflattering image possible of two old gals chillin' at some dive in a long forgotten place.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Understanding a Shame Based Identity

Shame is the deeply held belief that, at core, there is something wrong with me. So, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I’ll never measure up and be good enough. Thus, I expect other people to reject me in the end, and deep down inside I reject myself.

If I have a shame based identity, I am likely to battle with the following feelings: - Feeling like a fraud

- Feeling like I have to cover up all the time

- Fear of being exposed for who and what I truly am

- Feeling powerless

- Feeling as if I don’t have, or deserve, a voice

- Wishing I could just disappear

- Feeling vulnerable

- Feeling very needy – and perhaps too needy, compared to other people

- Feeling like I always disappoint myself and others.

The “shame bound” person is constantly struggling against these persistent and negative feelings. They are triggered easily, and by innocuous triggers, such as being overlooked or contradicted by a friend. This can then result in a powerful “shame attack” that is so intense that we’re completely paralysed, and overwhelmed, by a sense of worthlessness. These feelings can persist for days, for weeks or even months.

[dear-trashpanda]

100% spot on but bold of you to assume I'm battling any of these feelings instead of just lying down and taking them like the little bitch I am...

[whitepeopletwitter]

[dear-trashpanda]

Me, shutting down emotions like a boss: ah cool, I'm not even anxious! Wait, why I can't feel... Anything? Odd...

Me, finally too exhausted to keep the numbness going: oh look, emotions are back! Wait no... Omg omg omg holy shit fuck aaaagh sjfoendbadndbSENDHELPdkrbslnfvskzbf *dies in a tsunami of anxiety*

[dear-trashpanda]

Psychiatrist: any substance abuse?

Me: I'm a smoker...

Psych: Drugs?

Me: sometimes I do recreational stuff like getting drunk or smoking pot.

Psych: Any uppers? Amphetamine? Coke?

Me, internally: don't say ADHD meds, don't say ADHD meds, don't say ADHD meds –

Me: I tried speed once...?

Psych: so how was that for you?

Me: I mean, brilliant?! Probably the best thing I've ever done, hands down.

Psych: how come? What did it do for you?

Me: *casually describes the effect of the ADHD meds I keep sneaking* ...yeah, that was a good one but that was a one-time thing and I know I can't do it again. I could get addicted to that shit like noone's business.

Psych: But then why aren't you doing it again? I mean, I can't recommend it, but...

Me: because... Umm... Drugs are bad for you? And like, getting a fancy new drug problem is not exactly on my recovery goals list?

Psych: oh...

Me: yeah...

[dear-trashpanda]

Oh god I hate myself sometimes. So I went to the psychiatrist today and it went generally fine expect for the fact that I expected her to have read the papers we sent to her about our history and stuff so I expected her to know about Hound and I being a system already. Which it turns out she didn't. And then of course it came up in the conversation and she got really hung up on the subject, which is understandable, but she was all like "it's not a diagnosis we use in Denmark and some professionals don't believe it exists... Anyway, could it be schizophrenia? Could it be epilepsy? Could it be the result of a head injury?" And my stupid ass just got so defensive on it because I wasn't expecting this to be the subject at all and I felt cornered and invalidated and I was scared that she'll end up focusing on it so much that she would just brush off the possibility of ADHD completely and instead try to rediagnose me with the whole dissociative bullshit, which is really not something I want, so I ended up being a total asshole to her for no reason :@

Like, why am I even like this?!!

Other than that it was ok and she said she would do the assessment next time so that's fine. And now I just want to die and like never go back to her because I just acted like a total asshole to her and now she probably hates me and I definitely hate me. Yay.

[dear-trashpanda]

Waiting room vibes @ my therapist's 💐

[dear-trashpanda]

Me: I love it when I get to express my true gender and I experience gender euphoria.

Them: yeah, but do you experience dysphoria tho?

Me: I don't see how that's any of your business. It's a very personal question to ask a stranger.

Them: but if you don't tell me whether you have dysphoria I can't tell you if you're actually trans.

Me: no, you don't get it. I'm telling you. I'm a guy. That's all you need to know.

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

So I dreamt last night that you guys had a baby... and I was in charge of babysitting overnight, y'know, to give everyone a break... and your baby turned PURPLE and then turned into a purple CANDLE and started MELTING and I was freaking out XD (Don't worry, we took your dream child to the hospital and they said it was normal for a kid his age)

Cat here :D OH MY GOD!! That’s really amazing and also WHAT, dreams are so fucking weird, I love how a dream doctor told you it’s perfectly normal for a kid to turn into a purple candle, and your dream self is just like “cool cool cool” lmao

Also ahhhh a baby!!! We have so many fur babies, the thought of an actual baby is pretty scary, but then again, now I’m invested in the idea of utilizing you as a babysitter.... 

Also can I spare a moment to be like,,,, omggggggg we’re showing up in someone’s dreams, like!!! that’s hella cool. 

Much love!

Cat

[dear-trashpanda]

OMFG Vix?!!?! Girl I love you so fucking much :'D

- TP