fractal

I became a trekkie to survive the pandemic and now we're here. || full-time scientist || part-time writer || she/her || lesbian prev: fractal baby

[fractally]

~ ✨ welcome to my webpage ✨ ~ 

I am a mathematician and a part-time fanfic writer. I blog about whatever interests me, so there's lots of Star Trek posting but also expect posts on books I'm reading and shows I'm watching.

I am working various fics very slowly but sometimes post excerpts here! My AO3 is fractally and feel free to browse my public bookmarks.

Currently writing: Heated Rivalry post-The Long Game longfic, and Kirk / Spock AOS AU (much more slowly)

[fractally]

Reeling at the idea of Yuna trying to get teen Shane's coaches to scare him into not having sex lmao

The Yuna takes will continue until morale improves or whatever Captain Ahab said

[sheepshot]

[draconym]

i would rather see the information for an event handwritten in sharpie on a paper towel than see another AI generated flyer

[fractally]

God I am so sick of Evil Witch Yuna let a woman live. Now she’s trying to prevent Shane from having sex at all apparently ffs

[fractally]

Fandom be normal about women challenge level impossible

[fractally]

God I am so sick of Evil Witch Yuna let a woman live. Now she’s trying to prevent Shane from having sex at all apparently ffs

[piningandslowburns]

Let me emotionally destroy you with this reminder of what actually happened in the book 😭

“He’d needed to pull over while driving home that night because he hadn’t been able to see the road through his tears. He’d been so confused and scared and devastated. He should have been going home with Rose, his gorgeous movie star girlfriend, not crying on the side of the road, alone in his car, over an obnoxious Russian hockey player.”

[fractally]

Hey! I wanted to say I love your analysis on Shane, they are always a delight to read :)

I had a question though, if you don’t mind answering.

Do you think Shane had a lonely childhood? I know that both in the book and the show, he tells Rose about his scouting days and says that there was another Asian kid who had worse than him. But we don’t get much from his childhood otherwise. Heck, we don’t even know any childhood best friends of Shane. He only made close friends when he joined the Metros. What do you think?

Thanks anon! I do think that’s a show only convo, but yeah it’s the only (?) info we get about his earlier years.

This is just an off the cuff take, it’s not something I’ve thought through super carefully, so subject to change—but here’s my initial thoughts.

I think yes, he was lonely. Shane’s even kind of self aware about this, he notes that he’s “oddly lonely” early in HR and I think that’s basically how Shane feels/has felt his entire life before he comes out (post coming out he has not just Ilya but also Rose, and he deepens his friendships with JJ and Hayden, and eventually the Cens)

Shane had the experience of being othered just for his race but also for his skill level. He notes the distance between himself and his teammates in HR, and muses on the jealousy and awkwardness that characterizes those relationships. That would have started young, and the way Shane reflects on it at least suggests that he’s had bad experiences. The reality of Hockey Canada for young men is extremely bleak, and if we want to get realistic with it Shane was probably in haze or be hazed situations a lot. His skill might have allowed him to opt out of this to some degree. But we can also pull back on the realism (I like to) and just say that Shane’s experience was probably some degree of isolation.

I would bet childhood Shane had a series of Hayden-like friends, which is to say guys he stood next to in hockey or in school and let talk at him. Guys who didn’t notice that Shane doesn’t open too much up to them. I think those relationships faded immediately when removed from immediate proximity.

I do think Shane in high school was “popular” in the same way he’s popular on the Mets. I would bet he won whatever the Canadian version of prom king is and he’s dating the prettiest girl in school. People admire him, they respect him, they think he’s a good leader and want to follow him. Do they like him and want to hang out with him one on one all the time? Ehhhh…

But all this aside Shane had his parents, who are loving and supportive, and I think did have friends, and coaches, and I’m sure there were always girls around. He probably felt like this mathematically meant he couldn’t be lonely, but he was. That’s why he says it’s odd. But the main and most important reason he’s lonely is, as I’ve said before, he’s not an integrated person. Shane hides big parts of his life from literally every person in his life, including himself (hiding from his own feelings) and that’s just a lonely making activity.

This all said I think if you asked Shane he’d say he had a wonderful childhood and would not describe it or think of it as lonely unless prompted.

[randomblog1410]

short article on hockey culture and hazing

I would love to write a story that goes into Shane's opinions and experiences of Hazing, he definitely would have experienced it. Without a doubt. But I don't think that Shane would have done a lot of bad things to others during hazing. Because I don't see shane trying to jockey for favour with the other boys, a lot of the worst of hockey boys comes out when they are trying to make their (esp older) teammates think that they are men through drinking and violence.

Part of the dynamic of Yuna and Shane's relationship that I personally have never seen talked about: part of the reason Yuna is a total micromanager (she's even more mommager in my head canon then the show probably) is because she doesn't want to see her sweet precious respectful boy become the type of guy to use his own physicality to spook a girl into having sex with him.

I definitely headcanon Yuna as having complete access to Shane's phone and email until he's like 18. She quit her job to go on the road with him. They are in adjoining hotel rooms. She's lecturing Shane about how drinking alcohol negatively affects hockey. She bribed/threatened one of the assistant coaches into telling Shane that having sex with women and masturbating is bad for aggression (something they actually tell male athletes btw they call it "women weaken legs")

Shane 100% has a long-term girlfriend in high school and he sparingly had sex with her because "women weaken legs." I bet Shane went to an alternative school for high school because it worked better with his training.

[fractally]

I’d like to clarify that I mostly stick to book canon, and I don’t see Yuna as a momanager or even particularly more involved in Shane’s life than David. This is the portrayal in the book, the momanager thing is all Tierney and it’s more show biz coded than pro athlete coded. The idea of Yuna having that level of direct access to Shane, in a team sport? Nah. Realistically in both canons though Shane’s probably billeting by 16, he’s not even living at home. He’s having plenty of sex Yuna and David never know anything about. He talks in the book about getting blowjobs (that he doesn’t even want) from his high school classmates.

I do see Shane’s coaches as having absurd levels of control and influence over him starting very young, but canon is basically silent on this.

[oatmealdiva]

troy, homophobically, after watching a joint interview of shane and ilya: they’re probably fucking

troy, homosexually, after ilya comes out to him: they’re probably fucking

[fractally]

Hey! I wanted to say I love your analysis on Shane, they are always a delight to read :)

I had a question though, if you don’t mind answering.

Do you think Shane had a lonely childhood? I know that both in the book and the show, he tells Rose about his scouting days and says that there was another Asian kid who had worse than him. But we don’t get much from his childhood otherwise. Heck, we don’t even know any childhood best friends of Shane. He only made close friends when he joined the Metros. What do you think?

Thanks anon! I do think that’s a show only convo, but yeah it’s the only (?) info we get about his earlier years.

This is just an off the cuff take, it’s not something I’ve thought through super carefully, so subject to change—but here’s my initial thoughts.

I think yes, he was lonely. Shane’s even kind of self aware about this, he notes that he’s “oddly lonely” early in HR and I think that’s basically how Shane feels/has felt his entire life before he comes out (post coming out he has not just Ilya but also Rose, and he deepens his friendships with JJ and Hayden, and eventually the Cens)

Shane had the experience of being othered just for his race but also for his skill level. He notes the distance between himself and his teammates in HR, and muses on the jealousy and awkwardness that characterizes those relationships. That would have started young, and the way Shane reflects on it at least suggests that he’s had bad experiences. The reality of Hockey Canada for young men is extremely bleak, and if we want to get realistic with it Shane was probably in haze or be hazed situations a lot. His skill might have allowed him to opt out of this to some degree. But we can also pull back on the realism (I like to) and just say that Shane’s experience was probably some degree of isolation.

I would bet childhood Shane had a series of Hayden-like friends, which is to say guys he stood next to in hockey or in school and let talk at him. Guys who didn’t notice that Shane doesn’t open too much up to them. I think those relationships faded immediately when removed from immediate proximity.

I do think Shane in high school was “popular” in the same way he’s popular on the Mets. I would bet he won whatever the Canadian version of prom king is and he’s dating the prettiest girl in school. People admire him, they respect him, they think he’s a good leader and want to follow him. Do they like him and want to hang out with him one on one all the time? Ehhhh…

But all this aside Shane had his parents, who are loving and supportive, and I think did have friends, and coaches, and I’m sure there were always girls around. He probably felt like this mathematically meant he couldn’t be lonely, but he was. That’s why he says it’s odd. But the main and most important reason he’s lonely is, as I’ve said before, he’s not an integrated person. Shane hides big parts of his life from literally every person in his life, including himself (hiding from his own feelings) and that’s just a lonely making activity.

This all said I think if you asked Shane he’d say he had a wonderful childhood and would not describe it or think of it as lonely unless prompted.

[fractally]

Sipping on a matcha in my PWHL San Jose hat and looking bored and unimpressed as the tour guide tells me Park Street Church is over two hundred years old. “Ok?” I say in an aggressively American accent. “So is my apartment building”

[fractally]

i wish this fandom was more open to admitting that they like reading/writing about something because it's their preference, and be able acknowledge it's outside of canon.

like do i think canon shane/ilya are in a tpe relationship? not at all. but i like to read it because it's hot. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lmao live your truth anon and I support you completely

Like I both think the tpe thing isn’t super supportable in canon AND it’s not my thing. But I also think childfree Hollanov is not super supportable in canon and it IS my thing so I get it entirely. Sometimes you have a thing and your blorbos and you want both at once.

I also think hot and canon are totally different things. Like I think breeding kink Hollanov is hot and not sure it’s really my canon either (I just think Shane would get too bound up in the terror to find it actually hot) Whereas I think like. Disgusting jock sweat kink is probably pretty canon and I do *not* find it hot

But yeah I mean this is just how all fandoms are. And I get it it’s hard to really separate these things I’m not claiming to do it perfectly either or anything. But I do love to be a bitch. So.

[fractally]

Guys I forgot to even post that I’m in Boston (been too busy with work)

I’m in Ilyatown…..I took an uber last night past TD garden…..

[fractally]

It’s crazy how much the HR fandom mixes up topping (sadism oriented) with topping (TPE dom oriented)

[fractally]

Maaaaan

[fractally]

While I have a slight preference for the books over the show, because a lot of people base their characterization on the show, can we talk about how there are more canon instances of Shane hanging out with his team, especially outside of practice, than Ilya, and yet the narrative that's popular in the fandom is that Ilya is close to his team and Shane is not? Just off the top of my head, 2014 Cup finals, Hayden and Shane take the kids to the aquarium and he's literally Uncle Shane!!!, summers training with Hayden, JJ inviting Shane the day he meets Rose. The only instance for Ilya that I can think of is the club scene? Maybe watching Shane win the Cup? The Metros are so much more affectionate than the Raiders and that's important to me because the betrayal of it all in The Long Game does not work if Shane isn't close to his team! If he doesn't like them or they don't like him, it narratively makes no sense for Shane to want to stay there or be hurt by everything that goes down if there's no history there.

People put a *ton* of weight on the "I love you, I love you, I love you" fist bump thing that Ilya does to the Raiders as they're coming off the ice. That + people finding the Marlow actor appealing + foreknowledge of TLG is why the Raiders are fan faves despite, as you say, there being more clearly demonstrated friendships between Shane and the Metros. Book!Ilya canonically has no real friends (TV Ilya has Svetlana).

TV!Shane is just less demonstrative and his friendships do seem fairly limited to Hayden and JJ. Maybe Mitty.

I do personally take the read the Mets (aside from JJ and Hayden) loved and respected Shane but they didn't necessarily always like him. I think there was a lot of jealousy---I mean fuck, this guy is a generational talent at hockey, and he's the best looking guy in the NHL, and he makes bank from sponsorships no one else can even dream of getting, and he dates movie stars. Fuck that guy, right? Oh and then he turns around and says oh no actually I *dumped the hottest woman on the planet because I'm gay* wouldn't you kinda struggle to like that guy? Especially if he's also a little socially awkward and seems to mostly keep to his little inner circle?

I really love this fic for thinking about Shane on the Mets/Voyageurs dynamics:

nothing makes me feel as good by bitterbloodyorange

I think it's a complex and kind of psychosexual dynamic. They love him, they hate him, they fear him, he's their captain. I think the emotion of the betrayal is more along the lines of betraying your platoon leader in a military setting or your starship captain than betraying your best friend.

[smokingrozanov]

Funny as fuck that Ilya yelled “TELL PEOPLE!!!!” At Connors & then it was just him, Marley, & Ilya at the club. The rest of the team said NOSE GOES!!!!!!! Please get Rozanov to stop playing White Ferrari in the locker room btw