Diary of a terrible life

Sometimes you've just got to share how badly your day is going.

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08.56

Haven’t posted on here in a while as I haven’t felt the need, but now I need somewhere to talk and don’t have anyone to go to.

Found out yesterday that my boyfriend of two months has got a job that he applied for in the Alps. I am over the moon for him because I know he really wanted it, and was feeling down about his Navy entrance date being pushed back until the end of the year.

But now I’m at work and have had time to actually process it, I’m literally so devastated that he’s going to gone for four months. I’ve been looking at the travel time, and it doesn’t look cheap, and is at least 12 hours journey time each way.

I will put in all the effort in the world to make sure I see him as much as I can, but I just know it’s going to be so tough not be able to just drive 20 minutes to his house.

My feelings for this guy have grown so much, and I’m so excited for him, and for totally selfish reasons am also so sad.

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13.24

I’ve done pretty much no work today. The same for yesterday. I don’t even have the motivation to care right now.

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13.43

I haven’t posted on this blog in a little while and it’s more to do with my lack of motivation for all things in my life rather than anything specifically. 

My life feels like it has sort of just plateaued and I’m sitting on the edge of the fence between what could be a really positive life surrounded by my friends, and the solitude and depression from a negative life. I don’t even know how to explain it properly, and I don’t even know if that make sense and it doesn’t even matter because this won’t even be read by anyone but me.

I tried talking to my friend about it last week, and i was glad to finally talk to someone about the anxiety attacks I’ve been having lately, but being told that I should see a doctor doesn’t help me, because I’ve known for so long and for so many different reasons that I should definitely see a doctor and yet it never happens. 

Seeing a doctor means talking to a complete stranger about everything that I’ve been feeling, and I struggle enough to tell any of it to my best friends, so I’m not sure how I’d tell anyone else.

I’m not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess just to emphasise to myself that the list of issues is now starting to grow, so I really should’ve got help when it was just insomnia, instead of then waiting for depression, and now bundling on anxiety as well. 

I’m such a mess.

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14.34

Just thinking about spending my savings is giving me massive anxiety, but hopefully it'll be worth it and I'll come out better off.

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09.27

I remember now why I hate going jogging. My chest feels like its being crushed and I can hardly breathe.

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23.04

I'd like to go back to having the body confidence I had six months ago instead of just feeling fat constantly.

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16.19

Just sitting around at home waiting for my friends to come round in a couple of hours, because I have absolutely nothing to do with my time..

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22.18

Did a test to see if you're a narcissist, and got a 3. Average is between 12 and 15, and a narcissist is 21+. Something tells me a super low answer isn't a good thing though..

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21.54

Love having friends that just don't reply when you ask if they want to do something.

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22.19

Doing a nightly workout routine and yoga is putting me in a much better frame of mind.

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08.55

Can’t wait to have next week off, and have a break from the imbeciles that I have to work with.

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10.02

Sat at my desk, bored out of my mind. There is pretty much nothing to do today, and so far it’s just going so slowly and it sucks. I just want the day to be over so I can go out and get drunk.

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13.04

Having someone actually ask me how things in my life are at the moment, really makes me realise how bad things are for me, and how not only am I dealing with that but I’m also taking on my friends’ problems at the same time and just having to trek through like everything’s fine.

People seem to think I’m okay because I don’t show a sad face, but if they took the time to ask me they’d realise that isn’t the case at all.

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00.34

I need to start eating right so I can lose weight and be happier with my body. Now just to find the self control to actually do it..

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10.45

Yesterday I pulled a sicky and skipped work, and it was absolute bliss to just have a day to myself, not having to think about anyone else. Now I’m back in the office and yesterdays good vibes are all gone - I can’t wait to leave this evening.

I don’t remember when my job became this small hell that I have to go to everyday, but I definitely don’t enjoy it. Need to get out of here asap.

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10.17

I just don’t want to talk to anyone for the next few weeks. I’d rather just disappear into a hole so everyone just forgets I even exist and I can go on leading my mediocre life, with unhappiness around every corner.

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16.24

Being guilt tripped by my friend because I went to a party hosted by someone she doesn't like. Plus I find out another friend told her I didn't care of me going upset her, which is absolute bullshit. Cheers then guys.