Today I came early in the morning after crying a little bit. I'll have to go out and work somewhere else, and I didn't want to because I am too afraid of COVID.
Since this pandemic started my life is crazy, everything changed. I used to work in a laboratory, ina huge university. I used to see my boyfriend almost everyday since we live near each other. I used to go out with some friends, my family, and to work going into slums and knowing people's houses.
I used to go to the market everyday and to know every employee when I bought my daily bread.
When the pandemics started I had just closed some paper to work with a dance studio like a photographer. That was my first job as photographer and I was excited. I literally signed it the day before the pandemics started.
I was also making myself comfort in a cultural center to try to read some of my poetry there someday. And I was slowling finding myself in my own art. Then BOOOM.
I can't leave my room from exactly one year. I cant go to the gym, work out, go to the university, work, see my boyfriend, come back home, walk with my dog and have a normal life. That was stolen from me. My life was stolen from me. It has been one year since my boyfriend can't come here. We've seen each other for 14 days this year, we could spent sometime together about the time BE came out.
My parents couldn't stop working, and I feel like a failure because I couldn't get a better job to pay the bills and make my family safe. I feel like a failure most of the time. My sister suffers from anxiety disorder and she is hypochondriac to the point... I cant explain. It is like insane. And I am the rock upon which she stands. She comes to me at least 5 times a day in suffering for me to comfort her. My mom has obsessive compulsive behavior, and she buys more than we can afford. Like a drug addict.
I live with my grandparents who are over 70 years old and I worry a lot about their health. My dad doesn't buy the pandemics, he doesn't "believe" that covid is "all of this". And I am also worried and sad about it.
I don't have an easy life and I am depressed most of the time. Covid just made everything even worse for me. And I am living like this for a year now.
And you know, sometimes people don't understand why I give attention or my money to 7 millionaire guys, why do I cry when you are going through some difficult time.
But today I explained for the first time how I feel.
While in my home I have to be the rock who maintains everyone "sane", I am going insane myself. And then I found you. Do you wanna know how I found you? One video of yours appeared to me in YouTube. The LA-CHI- MO- LA- LA one. And i Iaughed so hard. I haven't been laughing like that in a while. So I went to know who were you. And it turns out I loved your songs and I loved all of you.
Today you guys are the only rock upon which I can stand. There are days when you are the only one who can make me laugh, or inspire me to go make something inspiring, or even simple things like to eat, or to take a shower. Some stuff I can't do because I am too depressed.
You also inspired me to go back to art with more confidence. And to say goodbye to doing what people expect me to do.
You guys, 7 men whom I never met nor will never do, have helped me in a way I can't describe without crying. And I can't do for you what you guys do for me. I can never pay you back. The only thing I can do is help army to give you #1 in billboard, or to win something voting. Or to buy your stuff so you can be happy and continue to make music, and bringing people happiness.
I am so glad I found you just when I needed the most. I'll never have the words to thank you enough, BTS and Jhope for being my happiness and my hope.
Please, take care. I love you. I really do. And I don't need you to love me back. I just want you to be happy, safe and healthy.
