To honor that this post has received 6969 notes at time of starting to write this, I thought I'd explain my choices with making it. Traumadumping warning!
this is overall a piece about my experiences with child abuse and gaslighting that utilizes the context of a medical or experimental psychiatry/psychology survey that has been intruded upon by a voice, that voice being the survey taker's core subconscious thoughts and memories, often repeating their mother's words, while the blue pen rappresents their more overt thoughts. The medical/experimental context is meant to imply the test taker is disordered enough because of their experiences to be in this situation even if they doubt themself, and also how having to be subjected to psychiatry when your abuse took the form of being dismissed and gaslit and you dissociate can feel like a battle to prove any of your experiences are real
the first 2 questions utilize the kiki and bouba shapes, specifically with the intent to convey that what the survey taker (we'll call them ST) would interpret as "a mother's anger" and "a mother's love" might seem arbitrary but are actually products of real societal trends. However, in the first question, ST is confused - in the second, they circle the middle because what they recognize as anger and love blends
The blue pen has meaning; when I was in elementary school, my mother insisted I'd only use a black one because the blue pen would be "ugly" and "unprofessional", despite my school allowing for both black and blue. I actually do quite like the blue pen more
the 3rd question is phrased as "extremely insecure" on purpose, instead of any other wording that might've fit, because any actual anxiety or fear was fit under that label for me in order to dismiss it. The checkboxes only go up to 3 before being interrupted, ST isn't allowed to be sure of their answer and, when they try to pick a truer answer, they are instead reminded of their mother's words, calling them stupid for their thoughts about her. All actual things my mother told me, just translated to english
The 4th question is a Rorschach test, chosen because of its very subjective interpretation and use in some psychological tests. Specifically, I chose one that I personally interpret as a pelvis and uterus. ST answers a quite bleak thing, but the voice interrupts them, calling the artwork ugly. Which is something my mother has done to both art I enjoy and art I made; I didn't draw humans between the ages of 6 and 12 because she got so upset with how ugly my human art was when I was 6 that I was too scared to (and that's why I became a furry artist)
5th question is a direct depiction of a time I drew her a heart and colored it in her favorite color, red, and my favorite color at the time, purple, and I was young enough to misspell "you" on it. She didn't like it, and my favorite color became orange for a few years
6th question is an optical illusion that's often used in pop-science content as a sort of test to see which type of personality you are based on what you see first. ST is puzzled on the difference between the subjects asked, unable to recognize which they're looking at
In the 7th question ST is asked a commonly found question in evaluation of dissociative disorders (among others I believe), the voice making one of the answers an echo of their mother's words implying they were in fact hit and they don't know if it's reality due to being gaslit, but ST answers that they don't remember and it's left ambiguous wether they don't or they've just been convinced to keep quiet
The next question is a type of evaluation sometimes used to identify autism in children, but the person's face is entirely blank; ST doesn't have the tools to answer. Their answer "was this taught to everyone else while I was sick?" is a reference to their view of their disorders, and to how being medically neglected and otherwise abused caused them to lose days of school, referring to the abuse as a sickness
9th question is the memories intruding, and something my mother says to me when I express any anxiety about her actions. ST says they don't remember, not because they don't, but because it's the only safe option they have
the next question is also something my mother says to me, even though when I tell her anything her reaction is almost always negative. ST answers, clearly struggling, and the ages are all references to events I consider particularly traumatic in my life (when I believe I was first SA'd, when my mother beat me, and when my mother threatened to abandon me).
As they answer, however, it transitions to the next question, where they're called a liar. Their reply is something I'd tell my mother whenever she got angry at me - I never knew what I did wrong. She told me, when I was 18 or 19, "so in all those times I got upset at you and you kept saying you didn't know and didn't understand you were truthful? I thought you were always lying to get out of punishment". I added a few tear stains as this is the emotional high point of the piece that has it enter the more painful zone
The next question, asking if ST was ever physically abused, receives a few options - ST doesn't believe their abuse is valid because this specific type only happened once, even though they say "I thought she was going to kill me". Her denial is framed as "she said she never killed me" to emphasize that ST's childhood perception of the event is the important part: it doesn't matter what she intended, it was perceived as thinking their mother was going to murder them
It's soon followed up by a question about CSA, but the word itself is blacked out; in my experience, it's extremely hard to give the experience a name even if you know what it was. ST isn't quite sure of the answer and selects multiple ones, including the last, which is what I kept thinking when I first started getting memories of my assault
Next question asks if an optical illusion, specifically one you're meant to see either a girl or an old lady, is dead or alive. ST circles "they're me" - it doesn't matter if they died or not, and the ambiguity gives them identity. This is partially a reference to how, due to my traumas, I might've have developed a mild version of Cotard's Syndrome or something similar (I genuinely believe I'm not fully alive and at times forget to eat and drink because I literally don't realize I need them to go on, even if I know factually my body is alive)
The memory presented to ST in the next question is blacked out, and they can't recall it. They at first select "I've chosen not to know", but, as if someone else chose that, they get confused and change their mind, selecting "how much will it hurt?"
When asked about their identity, they either don't have an answer or can't reply in time before being interrupted. The voice, recalling their mother's words, berates them and then asks if they love her
The ending poem starts with blind fearful devotion, follows with questions about ST themself, pivots to devotion again even though more uncertain, the uncertainty and doubt evolves into doubting the abuse; ST then asks if their assaulter loved them, then asking if their mother did anything to protect them or notice it, which she didn't. After asking if they're dead and themself, ST starts talking to a voice we as the audience can't hear; they have a brief conversation the full context of we aren't privy to, and after it, they admit to themselves they don't love their mother, or that perhaps they love her if the definition of love is "never wanting to see her again"
Time passes a little, and ST declares they are free, but instead of checking the box to answer that, they metaphorically escape the box of having to prove to themselves that their trauma is real by doodling a butterfly. Which are one of my system littles' favorite animal, so it's also a personal vow to do better with the littles than our mother did with us
