☆ Read my work on AO3 | Strawpage (under construction) ☆
Updated 20/07/2026
☆ My stories (by recency) ☆
☆ I Don't Know Why I Bite ☆
Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11
Fandom: The Long Walk
Main pairing: Gary Barkovitch x fem!oc
Summary: Birdie Tucker is the first girl to ever participate in the Long Walk. She never expected to meet someone like Gary Barkovitch along the way.
Status: Ongoing - 2-3 more chapters, active updates
Word Count: 31,619
Chapter count: 11
Last updated: 17 July 2026
☆ Brooklyn Baby ☆
Part II | Part III ❤️🔥 | Part IV | Bonus I | Bonus II | Bonus III ❤️🔥 | Bonus IV
SFW Alphabet | NSFW Alphabet ❤️🔥
Read the Q&A and patch notes
Fandom: Geese/Music RPF
Main Pairing: Cameron Winter x fem!oc
Summary: Best friends since senior year of high school, Cameron and Allison are the epitome of will they/won't they. When she complains that they never got to have a real prom, Cam takes matters into his own hands.
Status: Completed (bonus chapters are possible)
Word count: 33,363
Chapter count: 9
Last updated: 10/05/2026
☆ The Reaper ☆
Fandom: Frankenstein (2025)
Main pairing: The Creature/Adam/Frankenstein's Monster x fem!oc
Summary: After escaping the cruel grasp of his creator, the creature lurks amongst the millstones behind a cottage, watching and protecting the young woman who lives inside.
Status: Ongoing - the prologue may be edited before I continue, in WIP hell
Word count: 692
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 19 November 2025
☆ The Grey Wind ☆
A Different Kind of Sacrament
Fandom: Vikings
Main pairing: Athelstan x fem!oc
Summary: Moments between Athelstan and Ylva on their journey from master and thrall to lovers.
Status: Unfinished - story (if continued) to be published out of chronological order, in WIP hell
Word count: 1154
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 26 May 2025
☆ The Wolf with the Red Roses ☆
Fandom: Harry Potter/Marauders
Main pairing: Remus Lupin x fem!oc
Summary: At the end of sixth year, the Marauders are set to perform a set at the graduation ball for their upperclassmen. It's a hot summer day and tensions are running high. What will happen when things unsaid come to the surface?
Status: Completed
Word count: 4425
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 21 May 2025
☆ My Iron Lung ☆
Fandom: Mickey 17
Main pairing: Mickey Barnes x fem!oc
Summary: After a rough death, Mickey needs some TLC.
Status: Completed
Word count: 1,982
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 17 April 2025
☆ Needy for a Weedy Shy Guy ☆
Fandom: Flight of the Conchords
Main pairing: Bret McKenzie x fem!oc
Summary: Bret has the post-breakup blues, and Jemaine is convinced he has the perfect solution...
Status: Completed
Word count: 3,193
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 3 January 2025
☆ The Earth From a Distance ☆
Fandom: Hozier/Music RPF
Main pairing: Andrew Hozier-Byrne x fem!oc
Summary: Gráinne moved to Dunbur to escape her past, to live quietly and write, and wallow in all the grief she had acquired. Andrew has other ideas…
Status: Uncertain - it works as a one shot, I have no intention of continuing
Word count: 3,664
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 26 November 2024
☆ We Share the Same Sky ☆
Fandom: Black Country New Road/Music RPF
Main pairing: Isaac Wood x fem!oc
Summary: Isaac and Ellie are old friends from highschool who reconnect and rapidly fall in love.
Status: Unfinished (published exclusively on AO3 due to harassment I have experienced, in WIP hell)
Word count: 39,586
Chapter count: 10
Last updated: 9 November 2024
☆ The Craving ☆
Part II | Part III
Fandom: White Fang (1991)
Main pairing: Jack Conroy x fem!oc
Summary: Quinn has lived in the wild north since childhood, Jack is a city boy who just arrived. Will their differences be a source of attraction, or tear them apart?
Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell
Word count: 7,226
Chapter count: 3
Last updated: 6 October 2024
☆ These Violent Delights ☆
Part II | Part III | Part IV ❤️🔥| Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX ❤️🔥
Fandom: House of the Dragon
Main Pairing: Davos Blackwood x fem!Bracken!oc
Summary: Cersha Bracken should never have been at the battle at the burning mill. By the will of the gods, or by pure chance, she found a wounded foe and decided to carry him to safety. As the natural enemies get to know the people beneath the heraldry, house loyalty becomes a complicated sentiment.
Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell
Word count: 20,382
Chapter count: 9
Last Updated: 11 September 2024
☆ A Hazy Shade of Winter ☆
Part II
Fandom: The Holdovers
Main pairing: Angus Tully x fem!oc
Summary: Carol Hunham is stuck at Barton over the Christmas break with her strange and stuffy uncle. To make matters worse, a certain boy takes an immediate disliking to her.
Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell
Word Count: 4,556
Chapter count: 2
Last updated: 26 April 2024
☆ Midnight At Noonday ☆
Part II | Part III
Fandom: Dead Poet's Society
Main pairing: Various x fem!oc
Summary: Being the only girl in attendance at one of the most prestigious all-boys preparatory schools in the United States is not easy, but it has its perks. Follow along the plot of Dead Poets Society through the eyes of Clare Keating, the Captain's daughter.
Status: Unfishined - in WIP hell
Word count: 9295
Chapter count: 3
Last updated: 1 March 2024
☆ The Crimson King ☆
Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire
Main pairing: Rhaegar Targaryen x fem!Crannogman!oc
Summary: Frida of House Fenn is visiting King's Landing to swear her family's fealty to the new King Rhaegar of the Seven Kingdoms on the day of his coronation, when she experiences a strange encounter with the king himself in the gardens of the Red Keep.
Status: Discontinued - I may rewrite this at some stage, which could lead to writing more parts but I have no current plans to do so
Word count: 3,298
Chapter count: 1
Last Updated: 24 October 2023 (written mostly in 2022 and earlier)
☆ Entanglement Theory ☆
Bonus Chapter
Fandom: Sunshine (2007)
Main pairing: Robert Capa x fem!oc
Summary: Sleepless nights are common on Icarus II...
Status: Completed - open to more bonus chapters, ficlets etc
Word count: 6133
Chapter count: 2
Last updated: 30 August 2023
☆ Hanging Up My Heart ☆
Fandom: The Allman Brothers Band/Classic Rock RPF
Main Pairing: Duane Allman x fem!oc/named!reader
Summary: You're content traveling with the Allman Brothers, but when your best friend and fellow groupie chooses to leave to tour with Traffic, will you go with her or stay behind?
Status: Completed
Word count: 3,544
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 20 May 2023
☆ Let Me Mend the Past ☆
Fandom: King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard/Music RPF
Main Pairing: Ambrose Kenny-Smith x fem!reader/unnamed oc
Summary: Years after an adolescent one-night stand, you and Ambrose reunite.
Status: Completed
Word count: 6,118
Chapter count: 1
Last updated: 29 March 2022
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11
ship: Gary Barkovitch x fem!OC
warnings: Back-alley tracheotomy
summary: "I don't wanna die hated!"
word count: 4369
a/n: Well. It looks like this is the end of the road. I've had a great time with all of you, and I can't thank you enough for all the love you've showered on this story. Now, I still have one more part to come, which will hopefully give you all some much needed peace, and I believe I will also be putting up an epilogue. Also, This chapter lined up with my 20th time watching TLW! C'est du crazy work given that I saw it for the first time on May 31st.
Now, I want to soft-launch the idea of making a TLW themed side-blog where I will post my personal interpretations of the characters, make mood boards and playlists, and generally flesh out a no-walk AU I've been thinking about for a while now. If this is something you guys would be interested in, please let me know!
I am alive. Against all odds, against all my will, I remain on my feet. I have lost track of why I am here. I don’t want this. My every thought is plagued with the siren song of a soft place to lay my head. I dream of a cold, dark room with a soft bed in the corner, covered in goose-feather quilts, heady and fragrant with lavender oil, in which I’m cradled by the boy I hate with all my soul. There, I would close my eyes and allow myself to be swallowed up by a black, dreamless abyss. Dawn is lightening the sky, turning it an unwelcome grey-blue. I need darkness. I need to slip into it like a salamander and vanish. I can’t keep going. I simply cannot.
There’s something on the bottom of my shoe. It’s been there for hours, working a hole through my foot where it pressures the sole. It sticks down with every step, making it just a shade harder to lift my right foot. It sends a jolt of fury through me each time it sucks against the ground. I must have ground my teeth to stumps with all this incessant sucking.
Warning. Number 50.
“Birdie,” Art says softly. He’s been beside me since we lost Hank. We haven’t discussed it. We may never discuss it. But, he and I share something now, so we stay close together.
Warning. Number 5.
Up ahead, Gary turns on his heel and jogs back to me. He hovers by me as I lift up my foot and inspect the bottom of it, hands out as if to catch me if I bolt. I lift my lip and sneer at him. I’m miserable and this selfish little shit won’t let me die. There’s a lump of something stuck to the sole, embedded with dirt. I poke into it with a blood-crusted nail. It’s sticky and kind of plastic in texture, and the half-moon imprint of my nail reveals it to be white beneath the filth.
“Ah!” I shriek, recoiling.
“Baby?” Before Gary can put his hands on me, I break into a brisk walk.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I bark, avoiding his gaze. If I look, it might shake my resolve. I hear him whimper softly as I leave him behind. It makes my heart squeeze and I loath the sensation.
“Tucker?” Pete calls. “You good?”
“No,” I moan. “No, no, I can’t…”
“Birdie?” Art falls in step beside me. “What’s matter?”
“I got-” I gasp. “I-I got gum on my shoe!”
“Just…” I hear a soft intake of breath as Art pulls me closer to him, moist like tears. “Just try to stay calm. Hank…” He sniffs. “He wouldn’t want you to stop on account of him.”
“But he did!” I whisper. “Art, he was calling for us! I can’t help but feel like…” I wring my knuckles on my eyes, but it’s no use. I will always be able to see it. “Like I was supposed to die a long time ago. Ewing… by rights, I should have stayed with Ewing.”
“Pun’kin, you know that weren’t your fault, right?” Barkovitch is on my other side, chiming into something he has no business sticking his nose in.
“Didn’t I tell you to fuck off?” I snarl. “Fuckin’ selfish bastard keeping me here just ‘cause you couldn’t bear to be without me. I’m sick. I’m suffering. I wanna go home, but you won’t let me!”
“Give her a little space, man.” Pete says, surprisingly kindly as he steps in between me and Gary. “She’ll come ‘round.”
Gary hangs his head and smacks his palm against his ear. I bite into my lip. The pain is barely there in comparison to the rest of my body, and does little to quell the unwelcome squeeze of sympathy in my stomach. He pushes himself back up ahead.
“He right, you know.” Pete squeezes my shoulder. “You know I hate to admit it, but he’s right. That business with Ewing was not your fault.”
“You don’t understand! You just don’t understand! I didn’t do it on purpose, of course not… but it still happened! I still see it behind my eyes every time they close. I could’ve done more for him. I could’ve stayed with him, but… I was scared, Pete. I-I was scared to die. It don’t make no sense, y’know? That’s what I came here for. To die. Amongst friends. But, when you face it, it’s still the most terrifying thing in the world. If I was just a bit stronger, I could’ve stayed with Harkness. Hell, any one of those boys. They all died alone and I was too chicken shit to stay with them even though my life was always forfeit.”
“You might’ve changed your mind.” Pete’s voice breaks. “You… you looked at death and you said, ‘nah, that ain’t for me.’ That’s brave. You don’t owe your life to nobody just ‘cause you scared to admit you wanna live.”
“But I don’t! Dying is all I can think about. It makes me wonder: do I owe my life to Gary? Should I live just ‘cause he dragged me back up the road with him? He is the only reason I’m still here, and I hate him for it.” I spit. “I am an old, sick dog and he’s loving me to death. He oughta just put me down.”
“Ay,” Collie speaks up. Voice deep and thick with annoyance. “You’re fuckin’ lucky to be here. Lucky. And you owe some of that to me. I put my fuckin’ neck on the line for you. Don’t make me regret it.”
“You’re as bad as the fuckin’ rest of ‘em, Parker!” I wriggle free of Art and Pete. “I don’t owe you shit. You think you know me? Hm? Think you know shit about what I can handle, huh? Well, fuck you! Fuck all o’ you! I can’t handle it. I can’t. Keep. Going. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”
But I do. I just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Chanting it under my breath, screaming it in my head. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I CAN’T!
Day 4 – Mile 228
“I wish he would've shot one of those fuckers.” Collie is the first of us to speak in a very long time. I prickle with annoyance at the sound of a human voice. There are horses running alongside the fence by the road. They wicker and whinny softly as they clop, clop, clop through the grass. Would it kill him to have a little fucking respect for the horses? “Still can't get over the pure fucking idiocy of Olson.”
“Shut up!” I snarl. Art puts a soothing hand on my shoulder but I shrink away. “Get the fuck off me, Baker!”
Ray eyes me like I’m a live grenade. In spite of it all, it’s a little bit pleasing. Yes, Raymond. Be afraid.
“Why don't you keep his name out your fucking mouth?” Pete says. World-weary and sad. “He didn't go out quietly, and I respect the hell out of him for that.”
Silence hangs between them for a moment, heavy with memory.
“I respect it, as well.”
“So, what of it?”
“He was married.”
“Oh, that's…” Ray slurs, dragging his feet. “That's a load of bullshit.”
“It's the truth.” Collie insists. There’s something in his tone that makes me believe him. “Told a few of us at the drop off. Got a lot of ball-busting for it. He's the only one.” He squints as the sun hits his eyes, a painful kind of yearning in his voice. “The only one with a fuckin’ wife.”
I put my hand on my dog, now crusty with Hank’s blood. That and the gum in my shoe are the last pieces of him still travelling the road. What kind of woman would love Hank, I wonder? Someone motherly, perhaps? Maybe independent and strong. Definitely someone funny. I can almost make her out her laugh in the swishing of the grass as it passes over the horse’s legs.
“Get this.” Collie smirks. “Her name's Clementine. Like the song.”
“You are dead and gone forever,” I whisper the tune. “Dreadful sorry, Clementine.”
“Okay, fellas.” Pete says. “Let's make a promise right now, whoever wins has to do something for his wife. How about that?”
“That's exactly fucking right, Pete.” Ray agrees.
“Do what?” Collie demands. “I'm not the fuckwad who decided to widow a, you know…”
“Listen, just money or something.” Ray says. “Just to make sure she's okay, all right?”
“Sounds like some bleeding-heart bullshit to me.” Collie gripes.
“Fucking, come on, Parker. Come on.” Pete hustles up to him, hand held out in offering. “I know you got a heart in there somewhere.”
A look passes between them, warm and fresh, then Collie claps his hand into McVries’s. There’s a strange feeling in my chest as if I’m watching the most beautiful day-lily unfurl for the first and only time in the pink light of a summer dawn. Oh, I hate the way I’m aching. I hate it all, all the beauty of the world.
“Fuckin’ say I never did anything for you, McVries.”
“My man.” Pete shakes his hand and claps him gently on the back. “And what about you, Baker?”
Warning. Number 23.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Come on. Yeah. Tucker?”
I stare at him for a moment. Does it matter if the dead girl pledges?
“It’s blood money.” I say. “If… if there was ever a world where I’d win, well… I’d give it all away. All your families. They can take it if they want it. I sure don’t.”
“You just keep walkin,’ Birdie.” Pete implores. I nod. What the hell, sure. What’s another hour, another day? “What about you, Stebbins?”
Billy is pale and clammy, greasy-haired and unsteady on his feet. I want to go to him, to lay him down and make him swallow chicken bone broth and sweet corn. The powerlessness of this place is pressing on me like a hot iron.
“Why not?” He says thickly, weakly raising his fist. “Go team.”
“You feeling okay?”
He coughs, open mouthed and crunchy.
“No, I'm not feelin’ okay.” His voice wavers. He looks so afraid. “It's a hell of a thing. I haven't been sick in ten years, and my body decides to do it during this exact stretch of days. Like some cruel fuckin’ joke.”
“It's called irony.” Pete says.
“Yeah, I know what irony is.” He coughs, breath wheezing and heavy. “Won't stop me, though. Still fuckin’ win this shit.”
“FUCK!” Gary’s voice cracks like a whip. He flinches, as if he frightened himself, hand flinging up, but he stops just short of hitting himself. “Mmm.” He shakes his head, grunting low in his chest over the tense silence that’s settled over us all. “Hmm. Hmm.”
Oh. Pete never asked him about the pact. It didn’t even occur to me to be surprised. I’m hit by a rush of nausea so strong I have to scramble to keep the pace. Fuck this ridiculous empathy my daddy cursed me with. I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my mouth, swallowing down the love that’s trying to bubble up and escape my guts. I want so badly to go to him, but I hate him. But I don’t. I love him, I love him, I love him like a bonfire of all my worldly possessions. I have to stay away. I have to let him get over this hurdle. Harden your heart, Gary Barkovitch. Hate me. Hate me and you’ll be free to win it.
“Hey, um.” He hustles up to Ray, talking low, but I have a good ear. “Why didn't your buddy ask me if I wanted to help Hank's girl out, you know? I mean, um, you know, I-I wanted to be asked. You didn't hear me say I didn't wanna be asked, did you?”
“No, I... I didn't hear you say that. No.” Ray is tense, glancing at him like he’s a crackhead at the bus stop. It makes my blood run hot. That’s my baby. That’s my fucking baby and he’s not gonna hurt you, Raymond Garraty, he doesn’t have it in him.
“Shit, man. I think I just got off on the wrong foot with you boys, you know?” Gary rambles. “Like, I-I'm a good enough guy if you get to know me. I just... I don't really have a crowd, you know? I-I never had a crowd in school, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. You know, I was always getting off on the wrong foot, but, um…”
“Okay.”
“Fuck, man. I mean…” He chuckles, nervous and wriggly. “A guy's gotta have a couple buddies on... on a fucked-up thing like this.”
“Mm-hm.”
“Right?” He sniffles. “I-I mean, I lost my good buddy, y’know? My girl? She’s… she’s mad at me, but I’m gone get her back, you trust me. I’m gone get her back.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’ll get her back.”
“Fuckin’ aye right, man.” He nods enthusiastically. “Listen, man, um… that Rank kid.” Gary puts his arm around Ray. I can smell his fear. “Man. I… I didn't wanna see him go, you know? I-I-I would never, you know… Fuck, man, I just…” He presses the back of his hand to his face. My eye catches the sunlight on the handle of his spoon. “I can't stop fucking hearing it and seeing it in my mind over and over again, man. I can't fucking do it anymore, man. I just gotta…” He huffs out a desperate sigh. “I'm just… I'm fucking sorry, man, and I-I can't think it's my fucking fault, right?”
“Yeah.”
“It's not my fault, right?”
It’s not your fault! I’m screaming for him on the inside, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
“It’s not.” Ray says soothingly. “It’s not.”
“Okay.”
“It's not.” Gary sighs, almost contentedly. “Okay? So... so what...what do you want, kid? You wanna be a... you wanna be a part of the deal?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Barky grins. “That's what I was saying.”
“Okay. Okay, yeah.”
Gary giggles. For a moment, he’s back to his innocent, bubbly old self. He’s the Gary I love, tarnished by his father’s voice.
“I'll tell that- I'll tell that bitch, she can have enough bread to stay on Fifth Ave’ the rest of her fucking life.”
“Okay, man.”
“And if you don't mind telling your buddy,” His smile drops, and he says the word ‘buddy’ with a fanatical reverence. “Just that I'm a part of it now.”
“I can tell Pete, yeah.”
“Thanks, man.” He says softly, genuinely. “Oh, shit, man. Guy's gotta have a couple buddies, man. That's what my daddy always used to say. FUCK! Fuck!” He yelps. “Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry, man. I just... I don't wanna go…”
“It's okay. It's okay. Hey.”
“And I don't wanna die hated, you know?” My stomach drops. There’s a fatalism to his words that I failed to notice. I realise, with a sudden jolt of horror, that whilst I’ve been wiling away the hours, wallowing in self pity, Gary has been suffering. Suffering, just as the most hateful part of me wanted him to. “You gotta die. And that's the fucked-up thing about all this is that we all gotta go, you know? It just doesn't have to be like this right now, you know? Doesn't have to be like this, but…”
“Yeah.” Ray glances behind him, searching desperately for my help. It may be too late to give it. I may have shattered the one good thing I ever found on my own.
“Fuck! Fuck, man.”
“Hey.” McVries speaks up.
“Can't fucking stop it, man.”
“You good?”
“The fuck did you just say? The fuck did you just say, man?” Gary shrieks.
“Asking if you're fucking good!”
“I didn't fuckin’ mean to kill that kid, man! I didn't fuckin’ mean it, okay?” His voice has risen to a scream, frantic like a trapped animal. “I'm fuckin’ sorry, man! Baby? Where’s my baby, where is she?! FUCK!”
“Hey, Gary. Come on, man. It's all right.” Ray has his arm around Gary. Beautiful Ray. Protect him for me. Do what I can’t. Bring him back to himself. Please. “We're all right.”
“Mm.”
“We're all just friends right now, man.”
“Mmhm.”
“We're all just walking together as friends, okay?”
“Yeah… mm.”
“You got us. You got us. You got your pack. All right? Come on.” Gary smiles, laughing this small, childish laugh. “There you go. Just like that. Okay? So, we're gonna keep walkin'.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Birdie!” Ray tosses over his shoulder. His eyes press into me. He’s scared, but beneath it is an accusation. You made him your problem, then you abandoned what you started. “Come- c-come here, would ya? Come here.”
I nod, shame-faced, and pick up the pace.
“I'm gonna go tell Pete that... I'm gonna go tell Pete you wanna be part of the plan, all right?”
“Thanks, man.” Gary whispers, giving him a little conspiratorial wink.
“Alright. Keep walkin’ please. Here. Here, it’s your buddy, huh?” He claps me on the back and guides me in between him and Barky. He whispers close to my ear. “You put him right, okay?”
I nod numbly and stare up at Barky. He looks rough. His skin is sallow, darkened on his sunken cheeks by fast thickening stubble. The circles under his eyes are nearly purple they’re so dark. Almost like bruises. Did I bruise you, sweetheart? What part have I played in your deterioration? How can I bring you back to life, my love?
“Hey.” I say weakly. He flinches at the sound of my voice. “B-Barky?”
“…hi.” He manages to get out.
“Barky, oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” I take his hand, watching him tense. “I’m so sorry, I never meant… I don’t know what came over me.”
“Mmm.” He grunts, shaking his head. “No. No, no, you, uh… don’t you worry about that.”
He gathers a handful of my hair in his fist and presses a feverish kiss to my forehead.
“Water under the fuckin’ bridge, alright? You never done a thing wrong, never in your life.”
“I-”
“Shh!” He puts his whole hand over my mouth. “Shh. Just let me look at you.”
He does just that, eyes roaming across my face, my tangled hair.
“You are so… beautiful.” He whispers. “Like an angel.”
He cups my cheek. I don’t speak. He hasn’t given me permission yet. He explores the contour of my face, down to my neck, then tilts my chin up to peck my lips, so quick that we don’t even have to stop. He picks my hands up where they lay dumbly at my sides and puts them on his camera. I feel the weight of it in my hands, the smooth edges of the plastic. With a slow, deliberate motion, he passes the camera strap over his head, then over mine, as if knighting me.
“I love you.”
“Gary?”
“I gotta go, Birdie. I gotta go, man.”
He takes one last look at me, then turns away and marches up the road. Oh. I understand now. But, Gary Barkovitch, you don’t think you can leave me that easily?
“Hey, Barkovitch.” Pete calls softly. “Barkovitch.”
“Gary. Hey!” Ray calls, harsher, more frantic. It’s sweet that he calls him by his name. “It's all right, Gary. Just keep… oh, fuck man…”
They keep calling for him, but I tune them out. I look around. The love I pushed down and tried to burn for kindling is all crashing down around me. Waterfalls of it. Billy. Vulnerable as a jackrabbit beneath the brambles he pulls in around his heart. I look at his red-rimmed eyes, the labour of his rising chest. He was a safe bet, a day or two ago. I love you, Billy. Pete. Strong, but gentle. Pete, who only wanted the best for us all, the best for the whole world. I want to put my money on you, Pete, but I can’t. How can someone with your soft soul watch the last of us fall in the name of your own victory? I love you, Pete. Artie. Will you last, man of God? I don’t think you will. There’s a lambish look in his big, soft eyes. He laid himself down for Hank, and he’d do it again. Art, I love you. Solitary Collie, who doesn’t know I love him as well as the others. Resplendent boy, who’s very spirit seems to catch the light like the edge of a blade. Any sane person would bet on him. But I am not sane. As I turn, at last, to Ray, I know in my soul that he has the best chance of them all. There are boys in better shape, sure, but there’s something in his eyes as he stares back at me. It is a great, burning core of love, galvanised into vengeance. I step over to him and lay the camera around his neck like a medal. He frowns, uncomprehending. I cup his cheek, rough and warm beneath my hand, and press a kiss to his lips. Just a peck, to seal his luck.
“I love you, Ray.” I say his name for the last time. “Kill that fucker.”
His face opens, knitted brow unthreading as his eyes widen.
“No!” He gasps, face snapping up ahead. “Keep walking, Gary!”
Warning. Warning. Number 5.
My love is stock still in the road, facing us. His feet are planted far apart, determination stony on his face. I prepare myself to stop when I reach him, to fight him off when he begs me to keep walking. Too late, I see the light catch against the spoon in his fist.
“I’m gonna be with you whores forever now, okay?”
His fist flies to his throat with a sickening squelch. He grimaces, viscous red squirting from the mangled hole in his neck. One, two, three, and my arms are around him as he collapses to his knees.
“FUCK! NO!”
Warning. 50.
“No!” I gasp, my hand finding the wound. It’s ragged, fleshy, and blood pulses thick and hot between my fingers as I press down, desperately trying to quell the flow. “Darling, what did you do? Why? Why like this, Gary? Oh, God! There’s so much blood!”
Everyone is screaming up ahead, but there is only one voice that can rouse my face from the carnage before me.
“He’s not worth it, Birdie!” Ray cries out frantically. “Get the fuck up! He’s not fuckin’ worth it!”
“Hey!” I catch Pete’s eye. His face, at last, is soft with acceptance. “Hey. He is to her.”
That’s all I needed to hear. I turn back to Gary. He only thing I ever want to see. His eyes are wild, rolling in the sockets as he claws weakly at my sleeves, smearing them with blood. The world fades away. There are no guns, no warnings. Just me and the dying creature in my arms. As he brings me into focus, he shakes his head adamantly, lips parting as if to speak, but he just coughs a mouthful of blood into my face.
“Shh.” I stroke his cheek, smearing him in his own blood. “Don’t try to talk, sweetness. I’m here. I’m right where I wanna be.”
His eyes are beautiful. I never had the chance to look into them in the sunlight from up close, to really study them. They’re a deep, greyish blue, ringed with green. I’ve seen that gradient before in a memory. Jethro, tall and long-haired, pushing the lawnmower back and forth across the overgrown yard. He always wore these faded blue-jeans when he did yard work, and the flared bottoms were all frayed out and permanently stained by the grass clippings. How can one boy’s eyes be the exact colour of my dead brother’s bell-bottoms?
His hand finds my neck, tapping urgently at my throat. His mouth opens and closes, mouthing one word over and over.
“Oh, you want me to sing?” He nods furiously. I pull him close. “I can do that for you, sweetness. Here. Come here.”
I lay his lolling head against my shoulder and press my lips to his ear, covering the other with my hand, so I am all he can hear.
All my friends fell out with me
Because I kept your company
But let them say whatever they will
I love my love with a free good will
One, I love
Two, he loves
Three, he-
BANG!
Pain rips through my hand like the blinding white light of God. I pull back, shrieking, and drop Gary in the process. His body, heavy and empty of his soul, flops against the asphalt. Half of his head is in a ruin, but I don’t pay it much mind. He’s only sleeping. Beautiful boy, leaking his crimson essence into the cracks of the blacktop. I glance at my hand in vague curiosity. Two of my fingers are mangled to the second knuckle, just bloody stumps. Those motherfuckers. I glare up at the soldier who hovers above me. Hello, you. It’s the woman from the bridge, the one who slaughtered Harkness.
Final warning. 50.
I could get up, if I wanted to. Make pace, if I wanted to. I almost smile. What a silly thing to want. No, all I want is to go home. To walk through the door and smell peach conserve on the stove, made from the fruit of the old tree in the yard. I want to pat my old orange tom cat and throw myself into the arms of the most beautiful boy I’ve ever known. In my last moments on this earth, I do exactly what he would have done. I flatten out my mouth, hawk up a mouthful of spit, and fling it at the gun in my face. It lands on the side of the barrel.
Nice shot, baby-doll!
The yellowish skunge dripping onto the asphalt is the very last thing I see before the entire world turns white as snow.
i love making friends in fandom, i love playing with our toys together, i love coming up with increasingly niche aus, i love lifting strangers up, i love motivating people to create, i love watching someone get excited over an idea and immediately running with it, i love yelling in tags together, i love seeing someone gain confidence in their writing/art because people were kind to them <33
I love it when I get a whole bunch of likes on each part of a series spaced like 5 minutes apart. Like wow. You are reading it rn. And enjoying it hopefully. Hello stranger, do you like the colour of my soul?
