deboratbn

[deboratbn]

New

it's very funny how heart could turn into something heavier. not in a bad way. But in a way that... it filled with something special. which is wonderful, and hard at the same time.

i dont think i have felt this way before. this feeling of being loved yet heavy.

[deboratbn]

Day 3 - A Memory

I believe we all cherish memories of someone's fragrance and the places we used to walk with them.

However, my favorite memory is..

of an afternoon I spent with him. It was towards the end of the day, and due to certain circumstances, we couldn't go home, so we stayed out together.

Watching the sunset until it got dark. It was an impromptu picnic we had, using a red and white sheet we had from school since he had used it for a picnic with his students. There were even some leftovers from the picnic. I didn't feel much that day, not until it got darker, and the wind picked up, prompting us to cover ourselves with the sheet.

I still recall the smile he wore under that sheet; it was a beautiful night. Even though I was hesitant to give or receive a kiss from him, I cherished the moment. As it grew colder, we began to pack up our things. As we walked, I can't quite recall how it happened, but we started holding hands. After a while, I began to feel uncomfortable, so I let go.

Instead of going to his house, he walked me to my friend's house, which happened to be directly across from his. A few hours later, he texted me, asking where I was, and invited me to come over. We had a pleasant conversation with his brother before retiring for the night.

That memory remains one of the most cherished in my heart. No kiss, no hug, but a memorable smile..

<3

[deboratbn]

Day 2 - Things that make me happy

i like nothing than transparency and honesty.

[deboratbn]

Day 1 - Describe Personality...?

Here we go! With the first challenge we're doing on Tumblr. I can't deny I was pretty excited about this. I hope my girls are also excited, hahahaha.

Describing myself wouldn't be an easy thing to do, but I think it's good to put things out there and let your girls give some more ideas about you, right?

So, hi, everyone!

I used to call myself very extroverted, but today, I think I am more ambiverted. Probably it's about age, hahahaha. I'm getting old, folks! I could be very easy-going, but I could be very quiet too. But there's a funny part about it. I feel uncomfortable seeing someone being alone. I like to call them to hang out sometimes and gather with my other friends, but if I don't have any condition to talk to them, I would stay in my room, hahahaha. That has happened many times, actually. I called a friend of mine that was alone, and I just left him with our other friends until midnight, and I just stayed in my room. And I actually didn't feel bad. Or should I?

Another thing about me is that I like to listen and to have a good conversation. I like to leave a mark on a person in a special way, no matter how ungrateful they were to me. But this usually happens with people that I felt a connection with; if not, I wouldn't even try.

Deep inside me, I always want to look happy, cheerful, funny, and easygoing. And believe it or not, I think people like to be close to me, hahahaha, tell me about it!

I have difficulties controlling my emotions. I go too far, I think too far, too long. I could feel more sad for someone else's problem, someone else's story. Lately, I've kinda realized that my emotions have a big control of my body. Unfortunately, that messed up my life this year. But hey! I'm alive :)

I think I am empathetic, compassionate, and at some moments, I could be distant too. I always prefer intimate gatherings :)

I am a very friendly person. I like to help (but I also try my best to face my laziness). I am funny to some people. Thing that I am struggling with lately is myself, to be honest. It's been really hard dealing and making myself believe that I actually can, or that I am actually enough. I have a very poor insecurity about myself. Oh, I am very good with languages, that, I can tell. Very easy to adapt myself in an environment.

But you girls, maybe you can give more comments on what makes me unique?

[nadyajulia]

Going to do this. Feel free to join me ❤️

[deboratbn]

writing challenge with the gals

[deboratbn]

Leave Things Behind

It's been almost four months since my last relationship. I admit, I'm not very good at moving on. It usually takes me years to fully feel okay with the past. This time, I'm tired of trying to figure out the right way to let go.

Every day, I ask myself, how long will I keep checking his things? When will I be able to log out of his accounts on my phone, just so I can stop obsessing over where he is, what he's searching for, or if he's lying to me?

I don't know when I'll be able to stop dwelling on every stupid thought I have about him. Should I keep focusing on how poorly he treated me, how he spoke to me, or should I just keep cleaning up the coffee stains he left on the rug?

I have to admit, being away from him brings me some peace, even though I find myself crying in places where we used to laugh together most of the time. But I also have to admit, there are moments when I wish he were here with me.

[deboratbn]

22/09/23

I just felt to write. I think it's good to start writing again. Pour out things I have in my mind. my heart. Things that I am pretty sure that everyone won't understand, or maybe would make sense to you.

It's been awhile.. i was just looking my blogs, what I wrote in my first year being here in Brazil. Feeling like laughing and crying at the same time cause like... yea, a lot of things happened.

I believe we grow and learn to be someone different. I believe that each month we grow into a new person. with different mind, different soul, different heart. could be to be someone you think worse or better. but im pretty sure we all want to be better right?

I'll just shorten things out..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

things aren't so easy lately, those things said in the past that I wouldn't do,... I've done it. This part is very hard to accept though. I mean even until today I dont know if I'm gonna make it. I dont have the assurance to be 100% better in the future. It's hard to be happy now, it's hard to accept things, it's hard to be okay. everytime i discover new things about myself, what i would do is just try to end things. like , end end.

I'm very lost to start things. I dont even know how to start. what do i want, or even if i want it. The only thing ive been saying was "I'm tired". and everytime i listen to myself saying that, my heart breaks into pieces and i feel like i would never make it til the end.

Having trust issues with people who weren't exactly the people who broke my trust. not wanting to listen to their explanation cause for me everything they say was bullshit. at the same time, also telling myself that nobody cares, i deserve to be alone, i just need to push away people so they won't get hurt of me. and when theres a new person i wouldnt show him/her the real me cause im scared the person wouldnt accept me the way I am.

My heart has been pounding and burning myself into someone Ive never really known in my whole life. I dont know if im capable of doing this to myself. My life is just full of judgments. my judgments. not others'.

[deboratbn]

depression?

i dont know what title i should put. But I know things have changed now. a lot. 

Brazil seems like a depression. I dont really understand depression. My country didnt really teach me such things about depression. But, now i know it’s kinda like a disease. i am a very needy person. i depend a lot with people. extroverted level 10000000. I like attention. I love attention. yes! I need attention. 

Brazillians have taught me to be a very care person and a very needy person. One thing we know that sometimes you just cant give something that you dont have. or I could say, you cant give attention when you dont get any attention. I’m pretty sure “attention” is my biggest problem that i have on myself for now. I’m not sure if i have depression, but im pretty sure if i dont take care of myself i would have it. But of course no one wants to have it. 

I’ve seen many people being very lost because of this. when they start cutting themselves. ah! that’s the worst. but i know i wont do that. 

i have too much in my head and i dont even know to what point i wanna say. i’ll continue later someday..

[deboratbn]

Which I should take ?

Dear Lord,

I know about the prayers I’ve made. I know about everything You’ve shown me. but this feeling that I have, I have no idea what I should do.. 

[deboratbn]

He’s Here

Do you know the feeling when you feel alone ? When you think that you have no one. When everything seems so hard. When everything seems so wrong. When everything seems failed. 

These days, I know that I was really down. I thought that I couldn’t do anything. I felt that I am in a wrong place. Where I actually could do better somewhere else. But..

These few days, I met many awesome people. They didn’t say anything, they don’t know what I feel, they dont know what i’m thinking. But I saw God in their faces. I saw how God tries to pull me up to His zone. And sent me these words that say,”He is blind because God gave him a task to do in this world”. 

I may find a hard time, I may not a rich girl, I may not a smart girl with a marvelous talent, but, I know that I don’t have it because God gave me an awesome task to do in this world to help His work in this world.

[deboratbn]

💙 (at São Paulo, Brazil)

[deboratbn]

That called “celebrating my 6 months being in Brasil” . . . . . . . #brasil #2018 #travel #missingindonesia #tbt (at São Paulo)

[deboratbn]

Holiday. Getting fat. Not a good start for 2018. But....... ah later. Hahaha

[deboratbn]

I started my year on 2017 with this girl. The person who never left me even for a second. The person that shares the family. The person that loves my family. The person that tells and hears everything. NONE ABOUT ME SHE DOESNT KNOW. a person who’s shamelessly tells anything on her head. A person that shares many new words, new accent 😂😭 , a person to travel, a person to argue with, a person to schedule the time of prayer, time to read the bible, a person who reminds, who supports, who helps. Everything. Cant mention it no more. I know we’re having SUCH A DISTANCE RIGHT NOW. but i am really grateful that our friendship is close. I am happy that you keep talking with my mom there, like you used to be. I am happy that you never change. But the time has changed, we dont see each other anymore, even though i know we will. It seems so hard to live without a bestfriend like you that has her own world. You know ? 😭 I am dying to see youuu.. i have nothing to say, just want you to remember our times together though.. im veing so random. Whatever.

[deboratbn]

Around

day passed. I’m kinda loosing even more gestures. I have figured it’s gonna be just at the first time. I have figured it’s not gonna be always special. I know that it’s gonna be hard for me to pass the days after. With the difference that I have. I’m probably have many things better than them. But that could be the things that actually made me feel different with how they see me, how they talk to me, how they think about me. And also, I do have big different cultures, different point of view. Different feelings about everything. 

I dont know what people think about me. I dont know what people were actually talking about me. I dont know how they see me. I dont know what I see is actually their feeling towards me. I dont know those stares were saying “stay” or “leave”. Even with the close friends. My thought is always like “do you actually even care about me ?”. 

[deboratbn]

Finding The Light

Now seems that God is enlightening my way. everything is getting more beautiful. im getting excited with the journey here. growing the happiness. Still cant find what He wants. but I’m so much more happier. thank God for His blessings ! 

[deboratbn]

Simple Lesson

never ever been this emotional after listening to someone singing. It's not how comlicated the "melisma" that she did, not how high, or low the notes she sings. but this 11 years old girl made me really touched and made me cry, and keep listening to her singing. The PURE HEART that she has while she sings, the soul that she poured out completely to the song. It's just amazingly moved my heart away. not to the top of the sky, not to the deepest ocean, but like.... floating between them. just got a big lesson from it, not to sing as complicated as we can, but to catch each other's heart, just like what she did to me !! Just suddenly thought of how we could sing to GOD and do the same thing to others. Share the feeling, of how beautiful this life through the music. Not to show of, but to make feel like what we feel.