the spaces between us.
I'm sure you've seen the experiment where matches are lined up next to each other and when the first one is lit, it's a cascading effect of passing the flame and they all set alight without much trying or trouble. It just happens. The second step in this experiment is when you take one match out of the line up. The flame will stay alive as it jumps from match to match, but, as soon as it reaches the gap left by the missing match, it dies out.
This came down on us like a thief in the night. It was unexpected. Here's the catch: it wasn't. The alarms have been going off for a while, and the dogs were barking outside and we just ignored it - it's nothing, right? Just the wind, maybe? The weather gets bad sometimes. Maybe it's just me imagining things - I've been really tired. I tried to wait it out, nothing happened. I tried to shh the dogs and go back to sleep. It didn't work. When I finally worked up the courage to go outside, I feel like you woke up as well, but instead of walking in the dark with me, because you know I'm scared, you stayed in bed, went back to sleep because you are tired as well and it's really important to you that you get enough sleep. But deep down you knew something was wrong, you decided to let me walk alone. This way you didn't have to do much, worry or be scared, or possibly be attacked, hit, hurt, or killed walking outside not really knowing what or who waits. You just said: "Here, take this," and handed me a sword-like weapon that looked all crusty, dusty and old - not really fit for modern battles.
It's probably a good time to start talking about the big issue we as a couple as currently facing, and to stop trying to put it off by using metaphors... I'm going to try my best to put how I feel in words, but I feel the best way you're going to understand what I see and feel is if I read you the sources. The focus will be mainly on purity culture, the harm it brings, a few reasons why it's horse shit and doesn't deserve any support in the modern day and how I'm feeling right now. I'm not going to talk about my spiritual journey, but I'll make notes on that and after we have one thing out of the way, we can talk about the church trauma and all things deconstructing - perhaps Q & A style. Sorry that I'll probably cry a few times - I love you so much, I'm overwhelmed, I'm really really scared and I don't know what to expect. I might not even cry that much, or at all - this is me feeling so much to the point where I'd rather feel numb than to make myself feel and look like a fool. This is me exhausted, but still fighting for you, but exhausted. I'm sorry that this may take quite some time, but I want you to know how much I'm begging you to understand me. I feel that you are not you any more, and I wish I could say that as a compliment, but I'm done watching you slip away from us and into the gripping hands of my abuser.
-> 3 online articles
-> tumblr summary
-> insta posts (?)
-> notepad
I that describes my logic and thinking behind the stance I'm taking in the best way possible. Now, some things to add in my own words in bullet point form:
-> You say you don't want to get married soon. We spoke about this quite a few times and we agreed on the fact that we both want some stability in our lives, ie incomes and such, we wanted for me to graduate with one degree at least first, we wanted to kind of have a clearer picture of the in's and out's of our life (like where we work, live, etc) and we wanted to grow closer together before saying "I do." We agreed that it's best to wait a bit, maybe a couple years, 2 or 3, figure things out, you know. But recently it felt like every time I jokingly talk about our wedding, or honeymoon, or the guest list and destination, or even if it's not a joke, if I show you pictures of dresses and rings I like with the intend of seeing your reaction and being excited and to dream with you, you're just...kind off...bland. Blank. Just "ja" and fill the air with awkward silence, which NEVER used to EVER happen between us, remember? I feel like you stopped dreaming with me. This makes me feel like you may not want to get married to me anymore, that you're unsure about our future together, that there's something you're just not telling me.
So you say you don't want to marry soon, like next week, sure, I can agree with that although I always wanted to get married at 23/24, have kids at 26/27, have them grow up to be at an age where they'll understand when Mommy will be gone for 3/4 months because she's going to walk on the Moon or go look at the stars while flying around Earth in an awesome space suit before I commit to the next stage of my career before it's too late. But we reasoned it out and agree with waiting, it makes the most sense.
-> Then you say you don't want to have sex before getting married. The last time we spoke, you were scared of judgement from the Lord, if I remember correctly. The Bible mentions "sexual relationship before marriage/ not between man and his wife" - do we not have a sexual relationship? We do. And you said you're more than happy with what we do, you don't feel uncomfortable, you don't see anything wrong with it, it's just the sex part... Eh? Okayyy? Recall the tons of articles to know how I feel about this whole purity culture thing.
But now, you expect me to wait and be patient until we are ready to write our vows (hopefully not on a private tumblr post at 1am in the morning like I am now, lol). I'm giving us time for that. But then you also expect we to wait until then to take the next natural step in our relationship? It's something we both been wanting to do for a while now, we're both adults, we're committed to each other, so uh...yeah.
It is extremely unfair to have left me in the dark, not telling me THE MOMENT you started having second thoughts. I am fucking devastated. How can you think that that is okay to do? Did you even think about me at all? I think I expressed myself over text pretty well so I won't repeat it here.
Just asking me to wait... eh I don't know how long? 1 year? 2? 5? 7? I just want to you think for a moment how that must make me feel, knowing how much I hate uncertainties (to this extent). Don't you agree it's really fucking cruel?
-> Some practicalities I want you to know about, that you might not have considered: On our wedding night, I want to celebrate us, to go to bed together and being like "Holy shit! We did that!", maybe we'll fall asleep in dress & suit and all because of how tired we are, even. I don't want it to be stressful and nerve wrecking. I don't want us to only try and figure out what we're doing with our bodies and it being kinda shit and then that being the vivid memory that will stick with us for the rest of our lives. I want us to know how we physically fit together, how we move together in a way that has become so normal to us, that we don't have to panic about how to this and where to do what, so we are just in that moment, together, as Mr and his Mrs Akkerman. We'll remember that, the excitement of the first time as a married couple (geez, look at us adulting! Suck it, world!). We'll remember how comfortable we were with each other and our selves. We'll remember how we'd already have the tricks, the nooks, the nitty gritty figured out and just...be.
I don't want to be hiding because maybe I didn't wax or shave or maybe someone looked at me funny and now I don't want you to touch or see my tummy or my neck or any other part of me because I'm scared you won't love it - you'll just have to like it because now I'm your wife.
I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to feel sore for maybe days after and that being the thing I think about all day as I have to manoeuvre around instead of just taking in every moment of pure bliss, no matter what we're up to or where we're exploring. I don't want to feel ripped open and maybe lay there and bleed and feel discomfort. I don't want to not do it for a while after that because it hurts and we would want to do it again and a lot because we've had to wait so damn long. I don't want it to maybe last 2 minutes, and be disappointed, you know? And then remember that about our wedding night. Don't tell me it's okay, it will be fine. No. I'm telling you, I'm not comfortable with any of that. Not even the idea of it.
-> I don't want us getting married being rushed by lust. I'm not saying it will definitely happen, but I don't want that to even play a role in when we eventually get married, not even a teeny tiny bit. I don't want want people to look at us and say that we're getting married only because we just can't wait anymore. You and I both know I normally don't give two shits about who gives their two cheap cents about me, but this is questioning our integrity as a couple. And I ain't with that.
About that specifically and faith in general: I feel like I'm being thrown around in this relationship, and that I'm expected to just be alright with it because the claim always seems to be from only a religious stand point. So how can I go against something so important to you? To this point I was okay to ruin myself, rather. I'm done with that. I don't feel heard. I also don't feel understood. I feel that my beliefs, because they are different, are looked down on, and seen as wrong, and just me "not knowing xyz about having a companionship with Christ." I've been feeling like an outreach project, not a life partner. We've agreed to take our own spiritual paths for now, but respecting one another in the mean time before we will naturally cross paths will be crucial although not enough. I believe, by talking about the differences in our beliefs, experiences, opinions, hurt, trauma, questions, answers, methods, that we will gain understanding, and we will learn from each other and we will change to accommodate each other's beliefs, because we want us to work, right? We will talk about this more in detail but I have a really good feeling about this going forward. I feel like I'm finally busy with something that works for me, that's sustainable and that makes sense. The ball is rolling and I'm already so excited to learn and live and love and to feel free. For the first time in a long time, I want to work on this every day. Actively seeking truths. Growth. This is not something I want to put off anymore. But, this will take a lot of time! We will have differences for the rest of our lives. And I think that's beautiful. Forever seeking, learning, wondering, questioning, helping and loving.
The immediate next step(s) for us as a couple are very clear: sex, physically, and getting married. You're not okay with either, so where does this leave me?
I think I want to finish this off by saying that having sex is no longer a mere decision between you and God. A promise or vow, if you will. No longer a spiritual decision YOU make, and that really I'm forced to make, by accepting that this is just how it is. This is turning into emotional pain. A lot. Heart break. A whole lot. Uncertainty about us. Loads. Stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, feeling abandoned and feeling like your second best. Not a high enough priority. I feel not good enough for you, not pure enough, not kind enough, not forgiving enough, not submissive enough, not smart enough, not loving enough, not religious enough, not intelligent enough, not beautiful enough for you. Just not enough, for you. For what you want and what you need and what you deserve. And this breaks me into so many little pieces. In the past it's gotten so bad that I would almost literally do anything just to get your attention. From complaining about a tummy ache or work way too many times to, unfortunately, more extreme things like not eating for extended amounts of times. To see if you'll notice if I get skinnier or look pale or have fatigue or just...anything. I need to be your love and feel like your love, again.
I miss the nicknames, the stupid little twirly thing I sometimes did when we're walking hand in hand. I miss when you used to play with my hair (even though I had to ask) and when you used to smell my hair and being like "sssssmmm, ah". I miss the little looks we exchanged, sometimes without the other noticing, but sometimes our eyes met and in that moment we'd just...be. I miss the cuddles, I miss dreaming together, but above anything else. I miss us. You.
I'm so sorry for not being a good listener, a good supporter. I'm sorry for making you angry, frustrated and irritated so much. I'm sorry for putting you in difficult situations. I'm sorry for the lack of compassion and understanding. I'm sorry for all my baggage you have to deal with as well because it gets too heavy for me to drag sometimes. I'm sorry for making your life so difficult and your thoughts so complicated. I'm sorry for not creating a space for you to feel safe and comfortable in so share your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for being so demanding. For caring too much, too deeply. Being jealous. Being scared. Having trust issues and so many insecurities. I'm sorry for making it hard to be patient, and kind. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel not good enough, or that you're not trying hard enough, or that you're too this and too that and that you're always wrong and can't do anything right. The truth is that you are so much more than I deserve. I appreciate that you're there for me when I'm not even there for myself sometimes. I appreciate your goodnight messages and little touches. I appreciate your prayers. I appreciate that you still put in effort to spend some time with me, to be around me, because to me I'm someone I don't want around. I appreciate you sticking around and not giving up on me.
I'm sorry for holding you back.
I'm sorry that I'm making it really difficult to love me.
I'm sorry that I am really difficult to love.
I hope for, dream about and wish upon things quite often, sometimes even several times a day, however, I don't pray a lot. I don't know how to and I don't think I'm doing it right. But I pray that somehow you will still find it in your heart to continue to love me.
If we continue to make and live with spaces between us, our "twin flame" will die out when it can't ignite the spark between us anymore due to the voids we created - just like with fire matches. And just like the fire matches, we need to meet on the same level in order for us to keep the "fire" between us going. I always liked to play with fire (literally), so fight will I damn fight for my twin flame.
All the love,
Me. <3
Breathe!