Deconstructing My Chaos

Personal writing blog for Jacky of NVJA. 

[rakiloslov]

Oh hey man. Good to see you. I thought you died. Didn't you die? I was sure you died? Why are you alive? Weren't you meant to die a long time ago?

[deconstructingmychaos]

I have no idea. and yes I was supposed to

[deconstructingmychaos]

alcohol, any type, I don't care

[deconstructingmychaos]

Show me your teeth and I'll show you my bite.

Show me your thorns and i'll show you hands ready to bleed.

[deconstructingmychaos]

radio silence

[ojibwa]

[emilydb]

[deconstructingmychaos]

fail myself, fail my sobriety, fail at life

Went for a run about 10 last night, couldn't stand anymore of the holiday shit being posted

He may have had a funeral with military honors, my life mate, but I didn't get to be there.

So I run. I didn't have a goal but my subconscious did. Ended up about 10 miles away at a dive bar and liquor store. It took one guy making a remark about how they could get me sweaty if I wasn't so ugly. I do have scars showing on my bare arms but the one on my face is barely visable.

The rest of the bar laughed. I motioned for the guy to come outside and he followed. I didn't see his buddy that was already out there. I kicked him in the gut and followed up with pounding the back of his head with the bottle I bought. Good glass, bottle didn't break but his head might have.

His buddy pushed me from behind and tried to punch my head. I was caught off balance. I haven't drank anything in some time so maybe that might've had something to do with it. I twisted an ankle. The two guys left, I think his buddy was worried about his friend. I just got home.

I used my socks to bind up the ankle and slipped it back in the boot. At least the bottle made it back in one piece. I am so fucked.

[deconstructingmychaos]

Its easier to write my failure here than admit it to the people I know will see it who I have let down. Those who fought their own battles and won and to show them my break down, my failure, my loss of control directly. I can't do that. Here, is a chance they won't see it. or maybe won't call me out for the failure I am.

The goal is broken. I had to cut the boot off this morning. I have an ice pack on it. I can still move the toes and the foot so hopefully its just a sprain.

Its worse in my head because I feel more like myself after drinking than I do when I'm sober. This just tells me I fail at life. I thought I was over it, the death, the loss, my broken everything. Words fail me

[deconstructingmychaos]

fail myself, fail my sobriety, fail at life

Went for a run about 10 last night, couldn't stand anymore of the holiday shit being posted

He may have had a funeral with military honors, my life mate, but I didn't get to be there.

So I run. I didn't have a goal but my subconscious did. Ended up about 10 miles away at a dive bar and liquor store. It took one guy making a remark about how they could get me sweaty if I wasn't so ugly. I do have scars showing on my bare arms but the one on my face is barely visable.

The rest of the bar laughed. I motioned for the guy to come outside and he followed. I didn't see his buddy that was already out there. I kicked him in the gut and followed up with pounding the back of his head with the bottle I bought. Good glass, bottle didn't break but his head might have.

His buddy pushed me from behind and tried to punch my head. I was caught off balance. I haven't drank anything in some time so maybe that might've had something to do with it. I twisted an ankle. The two guys left, I think his buddy was worried about his friend. I just got home.

I used my socks to bind up the ankle and slipped it back in the boot. At least the bottle made it back in one piece. I am so fucked.

[deconstructingmychaos]

WTF is going on with the libido?? Its been dead on its feet for months and suddenly it won't quit! There's not enough of the vibrations or whatever to satisfy. Maybe its finally decided that this can happen without alcohol.

I don't ever recall being this bad with alcohol. fuck

[deconstructingmychaos]

And I wonder how it will affect Dario

[deconstructingmychaos]

Shit, I found the status update when we hooked up last time, it was 2019! fucking lose track of time

[chaos-out-of-control]

Still happening, 4 am, back from my run, 8 am, 10 after cleaning toys, have to reclean toys. Dario trying to come front.

shit

[deconstructingmychaos]

Fuckin can't wait til June. Got me all pumped n ready

shit

[deconstructingmychaos]

WTF is going on with the libido?? Its been dead on its feet for months and suddenly it won't quit! There's not enough of the vibrations or whatever to satisfy. Maybe its finally decided that this can happen without alcohol.

I don't ever recall being this bad with alcohol. fuck

[deconstructingmychaos]

And I wonder how it will affect Dario

[deconstructingmychaos]

Shit, I found the status update when we hooked up last time, it was 2019! fucking lose track of time

[chaos-out-of-control]

Still happening, 4 am, back from my run, 8 am, 10 after cleaning toys, have to reclean toys. Dario trying to come front.

shit

[deconstructingmychaos]

Sorry Dario, didn't mean to post on your blog even though this looks like something you'd put on here.

Still want to fucking go.

[deconstructingmychaos]

WTF is going on with the libido?? Its been dead on its feet for months and suddenly it won't quit! There's not enough of the vibrations or whatever to satisfy. Maybe its finally decided that this can happen without alcohol.

I don't ever recall being this bad with alcohol. fuck

[deconstructingmychaos]

And I wonder how it will affect Dario

[deconstructingmychaos]

Shit, I found the status update when we hooked up last time, it was 2019! fucking lose track of time

[deconstructingmychaos]

WTF is going on with the libido?? Its been dead on its feet for months and suddenly it won't quit! There's not enough of the vibrations or whatever to satisfy. Maybe its finally decided that this can happen without alcohol.

I don't ever recall being this bad with alcohol. fuck

[deconstructingmychaos]

And I wonder how it will affect Dario

[deconstructingmychaos]

WTF is going on with the libido?? Its been dead on its feet for months and suddenly it won't quit! There's not enough of the vibrations or whatever to satisfy. Maybe its finally decided that this can happen without alcohol.

I don't ever recall being this bad with alcohol. fuck

[deconstructingmychaos]

Is there a bottom to the depth you can sink

[war-crime-wizard]

my blog is a safe space for me. the rest of you are in danger i think

[deconstructingmychaos]

Thoughts, writing, all disjointed. The words don't make sense when I read them back.

So it goes.

[deconstructingmychaos]

At least I can go back to Fet to express myself. Its less like screaming into a void that doesn't respond back and more like writing a journal entry that anyone rarely reads.