J @deeperthanastream - Tumblr Blog

breakdown=breakthrough

When the words come to me,

They do not feel overwhelming. I finally come to understand why things went the way they did and why I needed to make those decisions.

It’s the overwhelming feelings that absolutely consume every fibre of my being.

The feeling of being out of breath, but air is all around me- just having a current inability to breathe it in.

It almost resembles feeling pathetic, however realising that feeling pathetic brings me on a path of succession. With myself, my body and mind.

I am finally taking time to realise and come to terms with why I am the way I am, but.

The nights where I remember the trauma inflicted on a younger me who just wanted to love, and the carelessness I received and lack of affection by parents who taught me that yelling at their child was love.

These are almost written explanations for why I was the way I am and why I do not want to be the predestined version of myself. I am capable of change and do not admire those that sulk and whine for change, but do nothing to pick a different course and outcome.

I want to be in fields, grounding with my closest friends surrounded by a beautiful sky, warm air and self growth radiating from every single human. I want to be dancing to songs that used to make me sad and see them as melancholy and nostalgic to a younger me who did not understand pain was growth. I want to be intoxicated, but not because I need to be but because I am so content that my actions and outcomes do not change once alcohol runs through my bloodstream. I want to love myself so badly that I release and create music I have been dreaming about since I was 3 and was destined to do. I am so much more capable than I hold myself accountable for and I require no ones opinion to believe that. I want to meet strangers around the world and bring realisations to one another and grow even further. I want to be excited for next year when I move to France and begin a new life, for now I am terrified of that. I want to live.

I am living.

@pressedfleurs I missed you

Yeah she’s pretty cool but it’s only cause I was the prototype

#olivia rodrigo #drivers licence

8th Oct 2020 (some days)

Somedays life goes on, like the rain after a storm

The calmness of the patter, awakened by a quiet bomb.

C’est la vie.

Je ne parles pas français.

Somedays my heart feels as warm as the sun burning up into ashes

My happiness equivalent to dandelions in a field of black roses

however taken aback when it feels like I’m the imposer.

Somedays, I don’t remember you or the way you signified the meaning of my entire life.

Somedays I dont remember how we planned out our existence beside eachother in the parisian streets in spring and the Italian roads in autumn.

Somedays are easier than most.

But other days, life still goes on- like the rain after a storm

However, this one is bittersweet, it is the muck after the dirt and debris

It is the culmination of karma sent by the universe upon my little feet.

Other days, I remember it all. I remember you and what you meant to me and the day that you left times by a hundred and three.

I remember the promises, the life, the dreams that 5 year old us shared behind the playground tree

And other days I remember that I knew for a fact, no matter what would happen - you would always come back.

So imagine how I felt, the day in 2018 when I realised you did not share the same dream.

Imagine how I felt the day in 2019 when I lost the bigger part of me.

Somedays, life goes on like the patter after a storm

Other days, I remember you.

Other days, I can’t seem to forget you.

But today, is harder than the rest because I’ve never been happier and I almost feel guilty for that.

I wish you could meet him, I wish at least that.  Perhaps one day, some day and another day, our story will be an epilogue in Paris during the day and Italy at night.  I’m going for us. Tell our ghosts of memories past to hold tight.

- for the (once) most significant person in my life (mncb)

Thank you. I hope you’re happier now.

I had a dream about you and when I woke up I found myself writing this. If you ever see this, I hope you know that I will always love you.

#Spotify

Some Angel Olsen speaking facts about the 🌎 #blm #singing

Stay safe @pressedfleurs

lucasregazzi

Kyungwoo Chun Versus, 2007 4 C-prints, 66 x 90 cm.

themmfatale

2020 gothic

- you join a zoom call. everyone’s mic is muted, but no one is talking anyway. you stare at the squares with faces in them. which is your face? you can’t be sure.

- the news is full of numbers. you try to learn what they mean, but the articles are full of jargon from fields you have no experience in, and you swear the numbers change when you blink.

- you wake up. you sleep. you wake up. you sleep. how many days was that? you have no idea.

- you go for a walk. a shadow follows you down the street, moving when you move, stopping when you stop. always the recommended six feet away.

- every day you get several emails from corporations you’ve never heard of. each company name sounds fake, too vague, too optimistic. “Stay healthy! :)” they say. “We’re committed to keeping you safe! You must stay healthy! We love you very much! We learned everything about you so we can keep you safe! Please believe us we love you so much we’ r e , s 0Rry:):)):))” You try to unsubscribe, but the link just takes you to a blank black webpage. Suddenly, you can make out your reflection in the screen. What’s that over your shoulder?

- you’ve been wearing the same clothes for days, but somehow there is laundry.

Thoughts

You know it’s bad when it’s 1am and you’re blasting ribs by Lorde ceiling watching

#thoughts