Seeing videos of guys physically harassing/rough-housing with their gf/wives sets off a fight or flight response in me. I’m not talking about cases where it’s clearly mutual and the guy restrains himself for everyone’s safety and enjoyment. I mean when he’s just a little too rough and physically aggressive with her, when she’s not matching the energy and strength as he is ‘play fighting’, when her body language clearly indicates she’s not enjoying it. When it hurts her.
Men are not stupid. They know how to control their strength. They can tell if you’re unhappy. I don’t care how many men insist they are bumbling fools with no sense of decency or empathy. They know.
The types of subtle physical aggression I’m referring to are seemingly harmless on the surface.
Tickling, for example is a fun playful activity. Now try being pinned down and tickled for minutes on end, laughing until your lungs hurt and begging them to stop between forced giggles, but they respond with continuing to dig their fingers into your ribs relentlessly. Maybe he grabs your face with too strong of a grip, or pinches your cheeks hard enough to hurt. Maybe he ‘playfully’ slaps you a little too hard. Maybe he enjoys pinning you down a little too much despite your discomfort. Think of the guy that slaps you hard across the face in retaliation to you playfully poking him, only for him to laugh like nothing happened. Do not fall for the gaslighting and minimalization. If you do voice your displeasure they infuriatingly reply ‘I was just playing, chilllllllllll’.
Sometimes you wonder where to draw the line between being playful and being disrespectful. Are you overreacting? You find it hard to reconcile a violent action with their laughing faces. Abusive behaviour only happens when they look angry, right?
The truth is no, they were not just ‘being playful’. These actions are not coming from positive feelings despite his laughter and cavalier demeanour. This subtle aggression is a way of venting his negative emotions - anger, resentment, contempt, and disrespect. A decent man that cares for you may accidentally hurt you but he will realise your discomfort. He will apologise for hurting you and learn to control his strength because he respects you.
The men that vent their aggression on you are at best inconsiderate, obnoxious bro types and at worst, abusers that have a history of disregarding boundaries.
I have seen many videos of men retaliating hard against a woman in what was meant to be a light-hearted physical activity/game. If you look closely, you’ll see a shadow of anger cross his face momentarily as he hits her in a disproportionate retaliation. She will look back in shock and be met with a laughing face as if it was a joke.
Outright beating you out of anger is not the only form of physical abuse. A man with respect for you, for others, and for himself knows to moderate his actions and strength.
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