[degrief]

#𝐃𝐄𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐅 ... a low activity 𝑻𝑶𝑫𝑶𝑹𝑶𝑲𝑰 𝑺𝑯𝑶𝑻𝑶 of bnha.

an  anthology  on  the  study  of  your place in the world:     who  are  you,  as  the  prodigal  son?     who  can  you  be,  in  the  face  of  gallantry?     who  will  you  become,  with  your  found  lineage?  carrd. temp rules below.

other blogs: @sidrae, @burdene

todoroki  shoto  and  all  that's  affiliated  with  boku  no  hero  academia/my  hero  academia  belongs  to  horikoshi  and  i,  by  all  means,  have  no  desire  to  claim  anything  that  isn't  mine╼     with  the  exception  of  graphics,  headcanons,  or  anything  pertaining  to  the  like.    do  not  claim  or  steal  anything  that  doesn’t  previously  belong  to  you. 

this  is  a  highly  canon  divergent  version  of  todoroki  shoto,  do  not  come  onto  my  blog  and  assume  anything.  i  will  not  tolerate  any  endeavor  support  or  write  with  anyone  that  writes  endeavor.  this  blog  will  focus  more  on  character  development  based  on  dynamics,  and  how  shoto  navigates  on  relearning  who  he  is  and  regaining  his  power  as  his  own.     above  all:  shoto’s  development  as  a  sixteen  year  old  boy,  rather  than  that  of  an  aspiring  hero,  will  come  more  into  play  here.     which  means:  i  will  focus  less  on  the  dynamics  of  heroism  and  the  action  parts  of  bnha  for  the  sake  of  strengthening  his  character  through  social  means.  

i  will  be  focusing  extremely  on  platonic  /  familial  dynamics.  any  romantic  dynamics  are  reserved  only  for  those  that  i  am  extremely  close  to,  and  even  then  the  possibility  is  still  slim.  i  don’t  engage  in  exclusives,  unless  for  special  cases  or  romantic  relationships╼  those  only  being  exclusive  on  my  side  unless  you  care  to  do  so  as  well.  shoto’s  canon  family  is  still  extremely  important  to  him╼  his  complicated  relationship  with  his  father  will  be  explored  but  that  does  not  mean  i  condone  or  care  for  endeavor  or  even  the  path  of  his  atonement.  i  don’t.  

i  love  and  enjoy  slice  of  life╼  i’m  aware  that  bnha  isn’t  that  type  of  manga.  that  will  be  the  main  focus  on  this  blog  though,  so  crossovers  with  other  characters,  including  those  that  doesn’t  fall  into  the  action  genre  of  bnha,  are  more  than  welcome.  i  want  shoto  to  experience  dynamics  in  the  most  mundane  ways  possible  too.  crossovers  and  pre-established  relationships  are  encouraged!  

trigger  warnings  will  apply  and  be  tagged,  particularly  because  of  shoto’s  background.  (example:  child  abuse,  violence,  panic  attacks,  other  unspecific  mental  illnesses,  etc.  )  

i  write  in  second  person!  i’m  not  gonna  try  to  use  small  text,  mainly  because  i  hate  trying  to  do  anything  in  beta  since  i’m  still  learning,  but  if  you  need  anything  changed  in  the  way  that  i  format,  please  let  me  know!

this  blog  will  run  on  the  found  family  trope.  that’s  a  literal  threat. i want to love and to be loved to be the central concepts of this blog!

you can find more basic rules on my main's carrd!

[degrief]

i know shoto and cats are like a cliche thing but i love it. i eat it up. im obsessed with the idea of shoto finding a stray during a patrol or doing an emergency rescue or even a practice run and she’s injured or scared or whatever and shoto taking it back to the dorms. he has something real and living and he needs to help it. (it’s almost a proof that he can do something like this, something careful and gentle.) but he’s not subtle about the fact that he’s got her. he’s trying to ask questions about taking care of cats (lying that he might get one in the future) but the class wasn’t born yesterday!

anyway, something about shoto holding something small and real and fragile in the same hands that bore his father’s destruction and his mother’s hesitations thank u.

[degrief]

work hours are gonna be cutting down a little bit so i’m so close to be able to write properly thank god

[degrief]

sure sure i love that shoto has done so much that hes basically changed the meaning of the todoroki moniker and that people recognize him as himself for the first time in his life as a frontline hero but i need i need i need medical hero shoto so much, behind the scenes shoto, someone who has learned that being the front page of everything isn’t the most important, someone who learns that picking up the pieces and fixing things is just as important as the initial rescue/saving part of the mission.

i need shoto to learn that his touch isn’t doomed because the way his father raised him, i need him to keep little flowers or rainbows or dog-printed bandages in his canisters for little kids and learn how to keep them occupied by building tiny snowmen or doing shadow puppets or something while they’re checked out by medical staff. i need shoto to learn that his existence isn’t the worst thing because of how he was dealt with as a child and that he can help people in a multitude of ways that don’t involve flaunting his power or showboating for the public like his father.

[bumblevip]

I was doodling and this is what happened

[degrief]

you’re telling me ochako ends up developing a quirk counseling project that’s so important to the rest of the world and yet you couldn’t have kept himiko alive to show the fruition of the program right off the bat

[burdene]

the  juxaposition  of  tenya's  childhood  and  outlook  on  heroism  based  on  his  family  (particularly  his  brother)  and  shoto's  childhood  and  outlook  on  heroism  (based  on  his  brother  and  endeavor)  is  so  interesting  and  i  wish  it  was  explored  more.  and  even  more  so  the  development  of  their  co-existing  together  as  heroes,  from  the  exercise  against  class  1-b  up  to  shoto's  fight  with  dabi  and  how  often  tenya  (and  in  opposition,  shoto  with  stain)  offers  support  without  asking.  how  much  the  both  of  them  have  indirectly  done  the  most  in  saving  each  other  from  preconceived  heroic  ideology  based  on  their  own  upbringing.    

[degrief]

i know that shoto’s stunted social awareness is like comedy fodder but like… it’s so real. ua is probably the first and only time he’s been consistently around people his own age— his middle school years probably would’ve been tutored had he not needed to be in the recommendation exam, but i can’t imagine endeavor allowed a lot of time with shoto to interact with people during middle school since they were definitely seen as competition to get into ua.

he was probably isolated there. he was isolated at his home. he was isolated away from his mother and his siblings.

shoto having little to no social skills is so real, and not in a funny haha way either. him giving up his family trauma to izuku is because he doesn’t understand Not to, that you don’t dump things like that. him thinking him and bakugo are friends is because hes under the understanding thats how it works because that’s how him and izuku work. shoto probably both doesn’t and does feel embarrassed by asking questions that seem obvious to his classmates.

everyone had light years ahead of him in terms of social situations, hes probably never played a video game or had a birthday party or went and gotten ice cream with someone before ua. he’s never done things just to do them—like lounge around someone’s room for no reason or whatever.

[ohisms]

↪     ᵗʰᵉ 𝑫𝑼𝑺𝑻𝒀 𝑻𝑶𝒀𝑩𝑶𝑿 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted sentence starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   no longer updating .  )

why are you here ?

drive .  drive fast .

i think we should make an informed decision .

are you coming or not ?

you’ve been avoiding me .

[ name ] ,  what were you thinking ?

this should be your priority .

let me hold you for a minute .

get out of my way .  i won’t tell you again .

that wasn’t supposed to happen .

can you keep a secret ?

i don’t know what i did to deserve you .

you seriously think i could’ve done something like that ?

you’re safe with me .

sorry isn’t good enough .

where is all this coming from ?

who told you about that ?

sorry i’m late ,  i got caught up .

you’re being paranoid .

why are you looking at me like that ?

you’re the single most important thing to me .

all i’m asking is that you hear me out .

whatever they told you ,  it’s a lie .

we shouldn’t stick around here .

hold my hand ,  i don’t want to lose track of you .

[ name ]  …  truth or dare ?

i love you .  nothing’s gonna change that .

can you tell me what happened ?

you can’t come around here anymore .

back off ,  okay ?

what ,  you don’t have time for me anymore ?

you’re asking for too much .

i’m trying to start a new life .

what do you mean ,  you aren’t coming back ?

sometimes i think you must hate me .

why can’t we just talk about this ?

i know i fucked up ,  you can stop rubbing it in .

you’ve got quite a reputation .

i’m not usually like this ,  i’m sorry .

please ,  just let me explain myself .

i love watching you work .

we’re on the same team .

did you ever tell anyone ?

you’ve got a lot of explaining to do .

really funny ,  you’re very mature .

you call THAT a PLAN ?

can we get out of here ?

i thought things would be different .

this is not up for debate !

do whatever you have to do .

karma’s going to get you for that .

it could’ve been a lot worse .

i asked you to leave me out of this .

maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith .

i never want to see you again .

can you see how many fingers i’m holding up ?

i’m gonna be there when you get what’s coming to you .

you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me .

i’ve been waiting all night for this .

i told you not to contact me .

sometimes i really think you have a death wish .

what do you need ?  —  what can i do ?

i would do literally anything to keep you safe .

that was supposed to be a secret .

you haven’t called me that in years .

stop telling me to calm down !

we make a pretty good team .

i have so much i want to say to you .

i’m not going to let anyone hurt you .

can we please not do this right now ? 

wait ,  wait  …  just breathe for a second .

how are you holding up ?

why don’t you stay the night ?  i’ll take the couch .

i don’t need your protection !

you’re not making this easier on yourself .

are you going to let me in ?

i’m supposed to be protecting you .

i will kill you if i have to .

do whatever you have to do .

this is going to hurt ,  i’m sorry .

what happened to you ,  where have you been ?!

there was nothing you could’ve done .

you’re all i need right now .

i don’t believe in love at first sight .

have you been following me ?

i need you to believe me .

what do you remember ?

i’m not a good person .

what the hell’s going on with you ?

you’re being followed .

just when i thought my day couldn’t be any worse .

i’ve been having weird dreams .

so you’ve been lying to me this whole time ?

are you trying to get us killed ?

this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me .

i never asked for your help .

you’re being followed ,  pretend you know me .

why has it started to feel different with you ?

don’t worry ,  i have a plan .

i heard everything .

do you need to sit down ?

i have the right to know what’s going on .

i’ve just gotta catch my breath .

stay out of my business .

what did you think was going to happen ?!

don’t cause a scene .

tell me something about you that i don’t know .

can i buy you a drink ?

what if  …  we played spin the bottle ?

this was never a problem until  [ name ]  came around .

you can’t ask me to make that choice .

are you seeing anyone right now ?

i need you to listen to me ,  we don’t have long .

you’re lying ,  that doesn’t make any sense .

you look  …  stunning .

what are you trying to prove ?

who died and made you the boss of me ?

you can’t just show up here like this .

let me make it up to you .

there’s no way i’m leaving you like this .

can we stay like this ?  just for a little longer .

i don’t need you to fight for me .

so  …  you lied to me ?

you’re the only one that can help me .

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

i never introduced myself ,  i’m [ name ] .

i expected more from you .

you have no idea who i am ,  do you ?

are you real ?  is this real ?

can i stay with you ?  just for the night .

you’re going to get yourself killed .

why did you help me ?

tell me what i can do to help .

pick a card ,  any card .

i never wanted any of this .

i love you .   you don’t have to say it back .

do you wanna get out of here ?

what the hell are you talking about ?

i should have trusted you .

get your head out of the clouds .

how is any of this MY fault ?!

what aren’t you telling me ?

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

it’s never just one with you ,  is it ?

you’re not supposed to know about that .

shut your mouth .

i haven’t kissed you yet ,  today .

where is this coming from ?

come over here and make me ,  then .

keep lying to yourself ,  see where it gets you .

i’m not a bad person .

is that what you wanted to hear ?

we can’t be seen together .

i can’t give you what you want .

i need you to leave .

are you drunk ?

i’m here ,  i’m here .  i’m not going anywhere .

you might want to take a seat for this .

have you been listening to anything i’ve said ?

i haven’t heard from you in weeks .

you’re jealous ,  aren’t you ?

who do you think you’re talking to ?

what are you reading ?

you could’ve killed me !

come on ,  we don’t have time for this .

i just need ten minutes of silence .

really ?  that’s all you have to say ?

we could leave ,  you know .  go far away .

you don’t look too good .

i never want to see you again .

why can’t you just leave me alone ?

i thought you died .

you’ll do anything for attention .

give me another chance .

how’s the weather up there ?

all you do is hurt people !

i’m sorry ,  none of this makes sense .

you need to get out of here before anyone sees you .

i told you i didn’t want you around here .

is that supposed to be a threat ?

you’ve changed .

don’t look at me like that .

it’s a beautiful day ,  don’t you think ?

i did what i had to do .

you never know when to stop .

i’ve got to get home ,  it’s getting late .

i have nothing to prove to you .

stop LYING to me  …  all you do is lie .

you don’t have to be nice to everybody .

don’t tell me what to do .

pull your head out of the past .

nobody can help me .  i can’t even help me .

we are not talking about that right now .

are you new around here ?

you have no idea what you’re starting .

i’m gonna get us out of here .

whatever you came here to say ,  i don’t want to hear it .

everyone’s staring at us .

is there anything i can do to help ?

i won’t cause you any more trouble .

– just follow my instructions for once !

do you want to come in ?

i just didn’t know what to do .

you need rest ,  lie down .

i’m not who you think i am .

i don’t know what you want me to say .

you’re not like anyone else i’ve ever met .

i feel like i’m going insane .

stop asking ,  you’re not going to like my answer .

i didn’t want you to see me any differently .

i wish i knew what to say to you .

don’t give me that look ,  you know what i mean .

you should be afraid .

do you still love me ?

i never thought i’d get this far .

the world doesn’t revolve around you .

i need you to give me some space .

i know what you’re doing ,  don’t play games .

you left me to die .

i’m beyond repentance .

when are you going to get it through your head ?

i missed you more than i thought i would .

i’m in love with you .

what do you need from me ?

i’ll kill them ,   just say the word .

[ name ] ,   what are you doing here ?

how can i help ?

you’re pathetic .

i need you to come pick me up .

where have you been ?  it’s eleven o’clock .

i couldn’t live with myself if i let you get hurt .

i can’t just pretend it didn’t happen .

you’re a real piece of work .

do you remember how we first met ?

when did all of this fall apart ?

that’s not what i came here for .

i would do anything for you .

i don’t need you to hold my hand through this .

are you sure this is the right thing to do ?

can’t we try to pretend things are okay ?

what is THAT supposed to mean ?

you’re always late ,  what am i supposed to think ?

there’s nothing you can do to fix this .

you’re far too kind to me .

can we go now ?  like ,  right now ?

i have to do this alone .

where’s your common sense ?

we aren’t supposed to be in here .

can you feel my heartbeat ?

i think i’ve seen you around before .

why are you acting weird ?

i have a really bad feeling .

i hate seeing you like this .

how am i supposed to react to that ?

what do you want most in the world ?

[degrief]

shoto who specializes with disaster relief and clean up. shoto who works more in the medical tents than the front lines. shoto who leaves the fighting and the apprehending of villains to the people he trusts could do it while he works more behind the scenes. shoto who is rarely seen in the public afterwards and almost seems like an elusive hero because he knows what fame and attention does to a person but also because attention and social situations don’t work well with him and he’d rather not deal with it.

[mindofdisquiet]

Your father exerted his violence on others. Your mother was sympathetic to the suffering of others. One day you directed the violence you had inherited toward yourself. You dished it out like your father and you took it like your mother.

Édouard Levé

[disrupht]

“  jeez,    shoto-kun!  ”    camie cries,    (in a normal way,    as a normal reaction,    in a normal height of tone,    thank you,    because she will ignore any and all loud comments when she’s dealing with abnormal heart palpitations brought on by people she thought was her friends!),    “  where did you even,     like,     come from?     i’ve been calling you for totes alotta of hours!    you can’t just sneak up on people like that,    duh,    you’ll give them the heebie-jeebies!  ”    and his comment is such a stupid,    stupid,    stupid!    comment,     because no,    of course she didn’t see him,    if she had,    she wouldn’t have jumped at least three to five meters in the air! 

camie hisses through her teeth,      in only a manner befitting of a girl of her completely, 100% called for ire,    and━━ pouts because,    truly that’s the only way to get her distaste at shoto’s need-for-a-bell cat-like nature out,    “  i wanted to,    like,    totally go shopping for the day,    not get gross goosebumps from my bff…    that’s so not cool of you,    shoto-kun!    ”

[degrief]

her  exclamation  is  a  shriek,  detrimental  equally  to  shoto’s  ears  and  the  surrounding  atmospheric  sound  waves,    and  it’s  hard━    to  hinder  the  flinch  that  echoes  through  his  body  almost  immediately,    like  a  response  tied  to  utsushimi’s  indignation.    the  shape  of  his  mouth  follows  the  rise  of  her  voice  in  opposition:    downturned,    the  starting  line  of  a  scowl,    small  but  an  untroubled  acquaintance  on  his  expression.     “ utsushimi,  you’re  being  loud. ”     it  stands  to  reason  that  shoto  repeats  himself,    (he’s  certain  she  hadn’t  heard  him  the  first  time.)  

utsushimi  is  never  understandable  to  him━    her  words,    rambled  unconventionally  than  what  he  knows    (unfamiliar  and  dissimilar  unlike  midoriya’s),    and  here  begs  no  difference:    utsushimi  speaks  in  a  tongue  different  than  his,    separate  from  most,    and  it’s  a  scramble  for  shoto  to  comprehend  what  she  says,    the  tilt  of  his  head  toward  the  left  acknowledges  the  disconnect.    “ i  don’t  know  what  the  heebie-jeebies  are  but━  ”    it’s  a  bother,    sometimes,    how  behind  shoto  seems  to  be  in  comparison  to  his  classmates,    startling  and  overbearing  in  a  manner  that  makes  shoto  feel  lost:  like  a  child  again.    “ i  didn’t  give  them  to  you,  because  i  don’t  have  them.   ”

there’s  an  absence  of  passable  speech━    befitting  of  someone  his  age and doomed to him,    but  camie  is  upset  for  some  reason,    one  he’s  increasingly  more  unaware  of,    (he  had  answered  when  she  called,    gaudy  and  flashy  in  a  manner  only  used  by  utsushimi  camie),    and  shoto  wishes,    not  for  the  first  time,    that  there  was  a  handbook  for  any  situation  involving  others  and━    and  social  interactions,    but  he  can  only  do  his  best    (shoto’s  never  been  good  at  perfection),  “   are  the  goosebumps  bad  that  we  can’t  go  get  smoothies  now?   ”

[degrief]

“  utsushimi,  you’re  being  loud.  ”    your  declaration—    curt  and  abrupt,  hardly  unlike  what  those  around  you  tell  to  be  less  of—    is  doomed  to  be  unheard  against  the  height  of  @disrupht’s  greeting,    noisy and  habitual  to  her  commonplace  disposition,  but  not  limited  into  its  screech  in  your  ears.    “  i’m  right  here.    didn’t  you  see  me?  ” 

[degrief]

“ didn’t i tell you to get some rest? ”

“ i’m  fine,    i  wasn’t  tired. ”  the  words  are  unfaithful  to  the  previous  countenance  shoto  had  held  early  that  day:    boyish,    unbridled  invisible  excitement  casted  away,    blatantly  untrue  against  the  shape  of  his  mouth:    how  its  skews,    warps  into  a  grim  illusion  of  a  frown,    tailored  only  to  shroud  the  view  of  his  discontentment.    it’s  easy,    unsettling  how  the  despondent  pose  comes  to  him,    like  stepping  into  worn  pajamas  for  the  third  night  in  a  row.    (misery  is  a  wretched  affair  and  it  isn’t  warm  at  all—    it’s  the  same  villainous  thing  that  builds  shoto’s  instinctive  nature  to  cower  come  to  the  surface,    to  avoid  a  proper  answer  to  ino’s  prodding,    to  the  demand  she  gives  that  acts  only  as  the  semblance  of  a  question.    it's habitual,    routine,    an  intonation  he’s  heard  several  times  before,    so,    why  does  it  seem—

—grief  is  a  purposely  horrid  thing  when  you  don’t  know  how  to  contain  it).

ino  stands  taller  against  the  doorframe,    silhouette  a  larger  being  than  anything  he  could  produce  curled  up  where  he  is.    “ i’m  fine, ”    shoto  says  again,    in  lieu  of  a  proper  answer  again,    the  one  that  would  provide  a  reason  for  his  defiance.    i  can’t  sleep,    is  only  unspoken  and  unsettled  like  a  stuck  cough  on  his  tongue.    “ i  had  studying  to  do  anyway. ”    proof  pointed  to  the  textbook  in  his  lap,    attention  given  back  to  it  only  in  avoidance  of  her,    done  to  provide  his  hands  some  work.    the  words,    blurred  and  unfocused  in  his  own  lethargic  gaze,    don’t  make  sense  when  he  reads  them  once,    twice,    five  times  in  quick  session.    it’s  a  farce,    one  that  he’s  well  aware  won’t  work  in  the  current  situation,    to  ino’s  unnaturally  keen  eye.    

it’s  a  nuisance  sometimes—     the  absence  of  adequate  articulation,    the  variety  that  doesn’t  make  shoto  itch  when  he  lies,    or  encounter  distress  like  a  boulder  in  his  stomach  when  he  attempts,    (because  trying  isn’t  good  enough,    it  isn’t  perfection),    to  dig  the  right  words  out  of  his  throat.    it’s  not  as  if  shoto,    despite  his  misdoings  in  public  circumstances,    forgoes  the  option  of  answering  her,    could  do  so  by  dipping  his  head  further  into  the  history  of  quirks  and  their  factors,    but  his  near-silence  is  a  persistent  wall  between  the  two:    scuffed  and  blatant  as  he  peeks  at  her  again  to  do  the  opposite  of  what  he  wishes,    hope  beyond  hope  that  it’s  sufficient  to  keep  inquiries  at  bay.    

(nothing  shoto  does  ever  is  though).    “ shouldn’t  you—be  working? ”

[antigonick]

“He had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.”

— Isabel Allende, The House of The Spirits

[degrief]

hello shoto todoroki of my hero academia can i borrow ten dollars

[wanologic]

such good kids