what's a heart??

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

one person cannot fix everything...and one person cannot try for both. it becomes so incredibly tiring.

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

i couldnt do it anymore...i had to make peace with myself that i had to just suck it up because they deserved better...i deserved better...being sad all the time was so tiring and i just couldn't do it anymore when i knew there was not a thing i could do anyway. so i locked it all away as best as i could because they all told me i needed to but where it went i was never quite sure. And i felt better and i remembered why i loved him even though sometimes i still remembered why i hated him too...such a twisted feeling of depending so much on this confusing relationship of love and hate. But the love cannot be denied...it was there...oh i felt it there! which had always made the betrayl that much harder because i think i always knew the love was there otherwise i wouldn't have been. And now I was just so scared....i am always scared!

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

what do i do next? i quit my job and now.........

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

always trying...

i am so having problems this morning with moving on because a part of me has not even accepted this is where i am. i mean how do you go through some SHIT in your relationship since you are 16 fucking years old to make it to your 30's and everything just blows the fuck up. 

and no one knows... or cares...not sure what the difference is at this point honestly.

and yet here you are always trying to make it to the next day for those little people that didn't ask for any of this...i didn't either but they are truly innocent while i feel completely broken and jaded for all eternity.  

i feel like i have no one that is truly mine anymore and everyday is just another charade of falseness...we will never be ok...it doesn't matter if i occasionally see that person because he is not there... just as the person i was is gone.

i have been trying to tell myself it isn't so but i feel it....i do not FEEL married anymore at all. i feel betrayed. and i fear that will never go away.

[ristrett-o]

The hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are now and who you want to be.

Anonymous (via creatingaquietmind)

[brokenbyyourbetrayal]

Feeling so insecure today😞

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

this is so me today....

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

trying

everyday i try to make it through the day without going to that place. that place where i analyze everything that has gotten us here, to this sad place. somedays i am incredibly lucky to accomplish this and other days it seems as though the dam i erected cannot do anything to stem the sadness that goes over the spillway.....

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

somedays i wish i could forget how much i have loved you so it would just stop hurting. when it is all said and done you made these choices, not me.

[b4bel]

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

i think this quite frequently and wonder if that's why i have isolated myself so

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

wedding anniversaries are not what they used to be...

9 years should be a momentous occasion but at this point does it even matter?? Through the motions on a daily basis you see both of you doing and realizing that things have truly changed. The previous care and love long since left the building and a shell of the thought true love remains. Longing for someone to love you in a way that they refuse to do is such sweet pain when the one was your soulmate...at least that's what you thought until you caught him. And even then the lies did not stop and yet they still seemed to benefit her more so than you. A person states away that he would never see again to take precedence over you...his friend of over 15 years...his wife...his family.

some days are just harder than others

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

Sometimes fixed is not what you think.

Knowing the moments you forgot about me like i didn’t exist…knowing those exact moments when i wasn’t as important to you as i had always thought…those exact moments when i was nothing to you.

All of that makes me question everything. My life is not the same. I am not the same person and my way of thinking has forever changed. I believed more than anything that two souls BELONGED together.

When it was not so. I can never forget that. I may live like i can but i will never look at him the same. I so wish i could because frankly it sucks. It sucks to think everything was one way only to learn that you really do not know anyone and cannot trust anyone.

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

truthful

when you are friends you expect truth, you expect caring...you have certain expectations for your friends just like you assume they have for you....when  a friendship fall apart who picks up the pieces?

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

i am tired i tell everyone i know...but they do not get it...they do not understand. 

i am not tired of work, although that does suck because i work for a corporation...and a bank at that, i am tired of all the bullshit.

all the things we accept from people on a daily basis even though we know them to be false...the things we accept because we don't want to rock the boat.

i am done living my life the way everyone else tells me to...i don't care whose feelings i may hurt...just as they didn't give a fuck about mine. 

i vow to live everyday as if it is my last....because it may be and let's face it life is just too fucking short and fucked up.

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

morning thoughts

things to tell your former self...life is too short and too many people can change everything without your permission...and that is not ok. i look at myself a year ago and as much as i don't know her...i still don't know me.

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

he forgot about me...to everyone else it seems as not a big deal...but no one knows what we know. everything we went through to make it to happily married with kids. i feel like that what makes my heart quiver in pain the most...we were so much more and i now i don't know what we are.

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

it's funny how something as small as a "bing bing bing the number you have dialed has been changed or cancelled"....can totally make your day;)

[demolishedbycheating-blog]

tomorrow...tomorrow is the day he decided last year that i wasn't enough. the day he decided to forever change us... the day that i will never forget no matter how hard i try...and believe me i try.