alex @deoch - Tumblr Blog

logging on and going through this every few years is such a trip lmao. just like me a bunch of people left, or deleted their blogs and remade them. pretty fun hunting everyone down again. so weird how my thoughts were preoccupied with people i never met or spoke to. i was so invested in so many stranger’s lives lol, all based on various vibe checks.

i think this is a last goodbye for tumblr. i’m on instagram @ ahonken.

good lord

i really used to let it all out on here lol. looking back on the posts i used to make is just alarming; the insomnia, the self-harm, the avoidance. yeesh. i used to feel Not Human(TM) but now i just feel Trapped In A Human(TM) which to me is an upgrade and i am even happy these days. bored, but happy. you gotta get used to not having extreme ups and downs, and to look at the whole-picture instead of just the IMMEDIATE NOW

e.g. "wow i am not feeling good in this moment, i need to do something drastic in order to escape this waking nightmare. what is wrong with me." WRONG

"i am not feeling good in this moment, but i am able to acknowledge that i was previously happy with how everything is going. nothing needs to change, it's okay to feel bad sometimes." RIGHT

it always felt really really good to have a breakdown and go on a spree of very fun, very bad decisions, but picking up the pieces is just fucking exhausting.

sometimes i still want to run away in the middle of the night, and smoke, and drink, and do drugs. sometimes it feels so unbearably boring, like i am trapped in an endless rinse cycle of mediocrity. and i want to ruin everything just so i can build something new that, for a moment, could be anything i want it to be.

i used to have this way of burning every bridge every [TIME PERIOD.] it felt so freeing to destroy the relationships i had, and completely change how i presented myself because there was no one around who knew how i was before. "that person is dead," i would always tell myself. "i can be whoever i want now, no one expects anything from me."

in the end i was constantly changing masks and ruining relationships because i was scared to be non-perfect. all it took was one (not even real, but perceived,) fuck up on my end- and that was it. "well, this is over. i fucked up beyond repair. let's completely ruin this immediately." eventually you run out of people, but i was moving around so much they never ran out.

now i am doing pretty good. i've been in a happy and loving relationship for three years. i am saving money. i don't really drink, don't do drugs. sleep well. accept my flaws, and try to work on them. being content really does come from within. no more fabricating identities in order illicit a certain response from someone to validate something. sometimes it's still hard to constantly be the same person, day after day, but for the most part if feels good.

why am i back???

i love shitty indie photos

alisonzai

trueb1eu

Literally

clawmarks

Rising sun (cropped) - Artist unknown, Japanese - c.1904-1905 - via MFA Boston

deoch

today i got nothing done and am rewarding myself by laying on the floor surrounded by trash and clothes and old bloody bandages listening to my neighbors scream at each other. this is home.

deoch

probably should have been in therapy at this point #throwback