i'm kind of getting very tired of the fact that
a) i've been constantly accused of things i haven't done,
b) having been appointed or rumoured of being a 'leader', which role i didn't want to, and didn't actually take on.
all i had was a little notion of creating some sort of a community  and a group of people that could enjoy stuff together. i never actually thought of myself as any sort of leader. i don't want that. i'm not fit for that.
but let's be honest and real for a second: i never, ever, ever deliberately excluded anyone from anything, ever. how could i. i only ever distanced myself from people for perfectly valid reasons, but i can only speak for myself individually. i didn't make decisions about an entire community. i can't. everyone is a thinking, sentient being who can decide for themselves and their actions. but seeing stuff like 'i've excluded people from streams', which i NEVER, EVER DID, and am even uncapable of (rabbit has a stream limit of 25 people, other than that, anyone and everyone was always welcome), is just incredibly disheartening. i was always about openness, kindness, and welcoming everyone. we haven't even held a stream for over a month, maybe almost two months, which is entirely my doing, and i'm sorry about that, deeply. i just wasn't feeling my best lately so that's why i fell behind with organising.
i do one-on-one streaming chats with my friends, and they've never been interpreted as anything other than private.
this blog was the happiest place for me for months. i befriended so many people, had such good memories and times, got such enjoyment out from dedicating a separate corner of my life to the band i've always loved the most, and always will. i know i made several friendships here that are every bit of real and that i know will last.
however, seeing accusations and things being blown out of proportion, even blatant lies, has brought me to the point that i can't take this anymore. this was my safest, happiest place for a long time, and it's been giving me anxiety and bad feelings for a while now. the space i cherished the most, and it hurts me.
i have enough problems and hurt on my own than to take on seeing my supposed comfort corner going downhill gradually. i just can't. my own problems are not important, nor relevant, nor anyone's business, so i'm not using them as an excuse. it's just that this blog has been exactly a thing to be a bit alleviated from those problems, to cope, to get some sort of joy. and it hasn't brought me much joy lately.
i struggle enough with the paranoia regarding people who legitimately like and perhaps even love me - if their feelings, loyalty is real, if it's gonna last. i absolutely can't handle being accused of things i didn't commit, didn't even come close to think about.
shortly put, i really don't think i can go on like this anymore. i'm fairly certain there won't be any more streams in the future, because as you can see, my once good intentions are now completely being twisted as something they've never been. i don't think i can take that responsibility again.
i won't address this any further in public. not sure if even in private. so please don't send me a storm of replies and asks, good or bad, because you'll be knocking on closed doors.
once again, if you ever felt like i hurt you, dismissed you, or anything, i'm sorry. all i ever wanted to do was good here.
for the friends i've made, i'm incredibly, incredibly grateful for, and i hope we'll stay in touch in one way or another. iâll do my best.
i'm contemplating deleting this blog, but probably won't, because of the memories.
please love each other, be kind, and above all, love depeche mode.
ellievsbear
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jbbartram-illu
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