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[deploymentdiaries]

Saying goodbye to him was weird and it took me a long time to realize that it was okay to feel that way since it is a time in our lifetime where we are with our families all day, every day. I don’t have that now but as I sit here in our apartment (that I’m slowly moving out of), I can reflect on the ups and downs of the past two weeks.

My life was and is complete despite being married, but being with him has brought a new joy in my life. One that leaves a small void for the time he isn’t here. I’ve cried because it hurts but then I’ve heard that’s a sign that a person means that much to you. If I can describe what these last two years have been like, one word comes to mind: empowered. His love and support has pushed me to try to be better, healthier, and stronger. To have someone to look forward to on the low days makes the gloom go away. Marriage (something that I never thought possible in my life) has been my motivator.

I look forward to his texts every time I get them because I know it’s our way of still being a team, even across the country. And that every day is getting closer to him being home again. Here’s to the next 200 plus days.

[deploymentdiaries]

A Pandemic, New Station, and What’s so Hard: Deployment during COVID-19

I got inspired by Tess Koman, a senior editor at Delish, who has been with her husband for ten years. She said the same advice that I was told and have told others: the best relationships are easy. I’ve changed my mind.

Any relationship, romantic or not, takes a little TLC. In our case, a little more than normal. We’re on separate coasts now (me on the west, him on the east) and it is harder some days. In my overly prepared mind, I read every article that I could to scope out advice that would help me. It was the same answers: stay busy, find a hobby, etc. Another spouse online had a more realistic response: This time apart will not grow easier, it will become more tolerable. I agree (to some extent) but it is still damn hard.

Today was the first full epitome of a terrible, no good day. I have scoliosis in my lower back and it affects all of my lower joints; my pain level is at an 8. I didn’t sleep well at all and this morning also turned into me ordering two cups of coffee with my to go order (not intentionally). Normally, my husband would be here and just let me be quiet while making sure that I didn’t stop eating because my anxiety is higher than normal. It would also just be a day where I sit there watching him play games. I found that comforting more than anything else. This is my new normal and I don’t like it (but I’ll make the best out of it since it’s temporary).

On a typical day for me, there’s a flow to the day: I text him first thing in the morning. He gets back to me when he can since there’s things he has to take care of. Then, I text him about some things I’m doing during the day. He sends me a silly text. We usually FaceTime on Sundays (didn’t happen this week but it’s understandable). Daily texts are working in our favor. It’s usually a good night text and that’s it.

I don’t have to wonder when we’ll face time again. I can only ask when we can see each other again; the military travel ban hasn’t been lifted as of yet and there’s so much uncertainty. We have (had?) plans for my birthday this year that we’ll be in Las Vegas seeing a show. Maybe there’s a grand tour of the east coast in October.

We don’t have to have say much to say how we feel about this: we miss each other, we love each other, and this time apart will pass. And then, with our plans for the future, we will start our lives together again.

[deploymentdiaries]

There we stood. At the gate for his flight for what is to be an almost year long military assignment. The night before there were a lot of tears shed; we both cried that it wasn’t fair to be across the country from each other. We watched all the movies that mean so much to us together, cuddled on the couch, and just content that we’d be around each other. That was a good night that I hold onto the memory of.

Now, in that moment standing there, I couldn’t think about that. All I was thinking about was these were my final moments with him. In the middle of an almost empty airport wearing a mask. Finally, it was that dreaded moment, his group was called and it was that look in his eyes. The misty eyed look that I hated seeing on his face; the last time he had it was when I went to my parents’ house the night before our wedding. This time, we’d be on different coasts. That one last hug felt like the most bittersweet one. Before he took off (my ETA home was after his flight took off), he texted me this: Don’t cry. I am trying to keep it together.

The tears actually started to fall as I drove home. People started texting me to ask if I was okay. I said I was but that was a lie. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball. My heart was aching and it hurt. I had to pull it together; my roommate was home after all. That’s what I did but finally when she left for work, I stopped. There I was on my couch in the midst of an ugly cry session and in sadness overload. I remember that I was watching ‘Westworld’ and by the time that episode was done, I could stop the tears. It was when my husband texted: ‘Eat something. I know you’re not hungry but you need to. It’s not good’ that I felt the pain again. I forgot that he knew that when my anxiety is high, then I won’t eat anything. He called me to say he was at his hotel safe. The crying happened again; that’s when bed time became a good idea (I assure you it wasn’t).

I stared at my bed like it was the enemy; this was my first time not feeling his body heat. There it was again, the crying and the loud sobs. I read an article saying something along the lines of if you’re crying this much on the first night then you know you truly love who you’re married to and that it leaves room for inner strength to grown. Yeah, I didn’t believe in that moment. No, I’d rather have him on his phone with his strong arms wrapping my upper body. Not this. I think I finally fell asleep at 10:30.

This all happened yesterday. Right now, in this time of a pandemic, a new normal is what I was getting used to. The thought that runs through my head right now: Every day and night that goes by brings me one day closer to him giving the warmest hug he can. The next time I’m at that airport is to pick him up and bring him home. There’s still a long way to go before that and a lot of inner strength and growth to develop.