Fucked up

Clean From: 14/10/15 at 22:17 Dysthymia + anxiety

[depressed-but-not]

This is just a post to say that this blog is no longer active, nor is it my main. I don't know how to change over to my main blog however, so y'all are stuck with this.

[depressed-but-not]

An Ode to Being Choked Out

Many view this as odd

Autoerotic asphyxiation is not exactly common

You don't see a couple choking each other out whilst having a picnic on a beach

One is cute

The other is

Strange to say the least

Understandably

Choking often leads to death

So why would you place your neck in someone else's hands?

Especially when many don't know how

But the feeling

Placing your life in his hands

Submission is earned and he has earned mine

The world and it's thoughts is blocked out

The feeling of your hand on my throat

My struggle to catch the breath that is willingly restricted

Your voice chastising in my ear

The knowledge that I can tap out

Tap tap

He stops

My breath comes back

But I don't want to

This brings me the peace I have not had in three years

And in a much better way

Submission is earned

And I love him enough to put my neck in his hands

[depressed-but-not]

Dancing stars

Holy FUCK I'm cold

My legs are freezing

My feet are dying

My bank account is screaming

People are staring

And the weather is outweighing my need to be pretty for you

But somehow

That doesn't matter

A musicians twang

Some guitarist with a knock-off song

The gallery in front of me

Usually boring but it makes your face light up which I love to see

The concrete littered with chalk hearts

Ephemeral but beautiful art

We almost slow dance in public

My arms around your neck

Your arms around my waist

Stepping on each others feet

Laughing

Holding

Shutting out the world and the thoughts and the stares and the cold and the work and the hate

They are elsewhere

Tied to us by a spiders thread

Cut off by the moving of our bodies

Not in time with the music heard by others but with the music within us

Because that it is all we need to know

[depressed-but-not]

That shitty one bedroom

Falling asleep on the phone

Hearing his breathing matching yours

Gently lulling you to sleep in a way no drink will ever do

You reach out hoping to feel him beside you

But there's just nothing

Just the wall

But you're not sad

One day

One day it'll be you and him in a shitty one bedroom

Struggling to pay rent

Having arguments

Working hours upon hours

Never seeing each other

But collapsing into bed at the end of the day

Hearing his heartbeat and using it as a metronome for your breath

His presence calming you

Loving you

Compare this to two years ago

When you were alone in your bed

Crying

Decorating the walls of your house with mile high splashes of paint

The ritual calming you

Loving you

But now

You're happy

Well, not happy

But as close to happy as you'll ever get

Because of him

You once said in a post that you wished for this for episode to be over

But thankfully

This isn't the end of an episode

The credits aren't going to roll any time soon

This is your life

And be happy with it

[depressed-but-not]

The three stages of Friday 18th May

Stage 1

7 am till 11 am

Mania

Eyes wild

Hands twitching

Legs moving

Clapping out an incessant rhythm

Seeing everything

Seeing nothing

Heart racing

Can't concentrate

Things

Things happening

Things happening everything

What's important?

Work? Yes/No

People? Yes/No

Nothing? Yes/No

Important

Can't concentrate on what's important

On what's happening

Hands moving

1

2

3

1

2

3

1

2

3

Happy

Happy

Happy

Happy

Happy

You

I see you

You don't understand

I want you to understand

But I can't find the words at the moment

Blue!

The wall's blue

Cool shade

Don't like it

Do like it

You

Can you be mine?

Stage 2

11 am till 4:30 pm

Breakdown

This is the comedown from the mania

All the happiness, all the adrenaline has gone

I'm just tired now

It's like a three hour panic attack and now it's ended

Whole body tiredness

All I want is to sleep

Sleep on you, not with you, there's a difference

I know what's important now

It's the work I should be doing

But I still can't concentrate

My brain's still running fast

There's a lot happening but my body can't keep up with it anymore

I know the importance of my work, of my a levels,

Of the mocks which are "the most important exams you'll do until next year"

But I can't force my hands to pick up the pen, to turn the page

My brain can't read the words.

You know I'm not doing well

It's pretty obvious

I hug you and you stroke my hair but both of us can feel the eyes on us

Eyes that probably don't exist

But we think they do

You help. You calm me down

You instruct and I follow and I like that

You help me shut my brain off

Interlude

12 pm to 1 pm

Sainsbury's

You can tell I'm tired so you carry me to lunch

You lift me up and I love feeling like this

"Weightless"

You call me

I think you're lying but I reach down for a kiss anyway

On the way back we sit under a tree

It's cliche yes

But it's cute and I love it

Your hand in my hair

Your minty mouth on my tuna one

Unfortunately my head starts whispering

"We've got to get back"

"No please. Stay"

I lean forward but your hand on my neck calms me

Stops me

I relax into your touch

"We've got to go"

Stage 3

4:30 pm till 1 am

Depression

For fucks sake

Why

This is just unfair now

I've been through every emotion today

You really have to add complete emptiness to this?

I thought I was tired earlier

Now I can't move because I'd need a nap afterwards

But I have to keep moving my hands to wipe away the tears that keep on coming

I'm not even sad

Well

That's not true

I am sad

This is crippling sadness

Crippling emptiness

Crippling nothingness

I don't really want to be around people

Everything's too loud and also too quiet

People force me to talk but the words come out too quietly

I mumble

I mutter

"I can't hear you. Speak up Katie"

I cant though

It's too much effort

I overeat and then hate myself and keep doing that on repeat

I wish you were here

[depressed-but-not]

The-Thing-I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About

You meant it nicely

"Tell me"

You said "it'll help" and that "talking is the best way to deal with things" which is true

I know you want to help me and you can't do that without knowing

But I don't want you to know

Why don't I want to tell you?

Because if I can't tell my therapist, how can I tell my mother?

Talking about The-Thing-I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About scares me

Terrifies me

I have blocked this out for a year and have become very good at it

Despite all the triggers that should set it off, I can push it back

Most of the time

Why don't I want to tell you?

Because it makes it real

It forces me to acknowledge something I should not have to

I have to stare this monster in the face and not battle it, but rationalise it

It has to become a thing that I live with instead of something I can

Ignore

Why don't I want to tell you?

I call it The-Thing-I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About for a reason

We all have one

One chapter in our lives we leave unread

One story that never gets told

One scar we hide under our concealer

Talking about it brings it to the surface and no one wants that

"Tell me"

Why should I?

Just because we are related does not mean you have instant access to my secrets

I do not tell every stranger on the street so why would I tell you?

Because your my mother and "I love you"

I've heard that before

I shouldn't be too harsh

I know you care and I know you don't know how to help

I wouldn't either

This relationship is complicated for neurotypicals,

stick us in the mix and you get the most depressing sitcom the world's ever seen

"It's a part of you and I love you for it"

That's the problem

This should not be part of me

I did not deserve this

I did not want this

I did not ask for this

It does not deserve to be a part of me

They do not deserve to be a part of me

I cannot carry this round for my whole life, knowing that the thing I despise myself for is a part of me

In my head it is my fault, despite all logic and rational telling me otherwise

I do not want a mistake to define me, to be part of me, to hold any stake in who I am as a person

The gates have been unlocked and the The-Thing-I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About has started to emerge

I will not survive this

I will not survive this alone

But you cannot be part of it

[depressed-but-not]

Angry

I don't want to be angry with you

And honestly, I don't think I am

Media has taught me that my response should be to get loud, to scream what you did from the roof tops

#MeToo and all that

But you do not deserve that

You don't know what you did and you'll never know

Because I will never tell you

I'm not religious but I pray that I don't ever have to see you again

Playing a one sided game of hide and seek is tiring enough,

I don't need you to know why it's happening

What you did to me is something I have to live with

And you get the pleasure of not having to

I can't decide whose luckier

Someone asked me if I talked to you about it

If I had explained to you what you did

But I don't think it should be like that

Why do I have to be on the receiving end of your deaf ears and then attempt to get you to listen?

That seems illogical

And that's not the only thing

How and why could you not see what you were doing was wrong?

How did that thought not pass through your head?

How did no become a word you didn't understand in a language you were fluent in?

No

I'm becoming angry

And that's not allowed

I do not allow myself to have feelings about this

I cannot allow myself

They are what got me into this mess in the first place

Those feelings let me look past what happened as just a slight bump in the road

When by god it was anything but

In my yearbook you wrote

"Katie, I've been an asshole, but we're tight. Missing you already! Love,"

I refuse to say your name

One would assume this was you acknowledging what you had done

And they would be right

In a sense

You are apologising for cheating on me even though "we're not in a relationship right?"

But you still think we're "tight"

And again that is right

In a sense

You are still wrapped tight around my neck during my panic attacks

You are still holding tight to the blade as it glides across my skin

You are still squeezed in tight in the forefront of my mind between why you happened and what you caused

I don't want to say that you're not allowed to be "missing me already"

Because that would seem to angry

But I wouldn't honestly know if you did miss me

It took me a year but I blocked you

You have no way of knowing what I'm doing or where I am

And I hate myself for saying this

But I am sad about that

I am still drawn to you

I always will be

You were my first and it appears like you will be my last

I get drunk to forget about you but you are the only thing on my mind

It's not fair

And yes I sound childish and weak and scared

But I am allowed to be

You made me this way when you took my childhood from me

When you took my voice from me

When you took my power from me

When you took

[depressed-but-not]

Tidal wave

drowning

sinking

crushed

tidal wave after tidal wave

no peace

head falling tumbling swirling

like a whirlpool that drains

everything

there is drowning but there is no pain

there is pain from not breathing

there is pain from not blinking

there is pain from the man made rivers in your arms

but there is no pain

acceptance

of the pain felt and not dealt with

calm

as the stonework shatters and the structure collapses

hope

that life or the wave will pass

then

the wave breaks and the wor

ld collapses everything falling in on themselves with no regard

for life on the shore that means not

hing there is pain there is pain manmade

or brain made indeciferable constant

there is pain head drowning heart pounding lungs collapsing

all thoughts sucked out by t

he pressure of the

wave

Head up. Feet on solid ground.

This was a relapse.

It's okay. You have not drowned.

No need to collapse.

Calm down. Your voice now makes sound.

Stay clear of the traps.

[depressed-but-not]

Well the fuck done

Why the FUCK do you have to overthink everything?

It was a nice fucking night

Just let it be

Well the fuck done

You've just tainted one of the best memories of your life

One of the most peaceful, romantic and calming moments

With your motherfucking thinking

You couldn't just let it be could you?

He was respectful

He cared about you and didn't push it

He went at your speed

And you feel guilty?

You shouldn't feel guilty

You've done nothing wrong

Expect blue ball him and probably make him leave you in the long run

I mean, he's leaving you anyway so what does it matter

Trust your fucking luck

You fall for an amazing guy

He's handsome

He cares

He's funny

He matches you in almost every way you want

And he's leaving

Again, well the fuck done

You can't do this one thing for him can you?

Why can't you just shag him?

It's what he wants

He might care about you more then

You might have a fighting chance then

Just whore yourself out

I mean, that's what you're used to isn't it?

Just being a little whore whose too pussy to actually fuck a guy

Pathetic

No one cares about virginity anymore

Don't have this grand fucking expectation

It's not going to be sweet

It's not going to be romantic

It's not going to be with someone you love

If you're lucky it'll be a with a guy you tolerate in his skanky ass house

If you keep your track record, it'll probably be rape

Hey you might actually do something right this time!

You couldn't get raped

You couldn't get actual depression

You couldn't fail badly enough

You're just useless

So well the fuck done

[depressed-but-not]

Fuck you

You know what?

Fuck you

Just fuck you

You don't deserve to be happy

You don't deserve anything good

You deserve to deal with what I have to deal with

Because of you

You deserve to deal with having a breakdown because you see one photo of me

To have a panic attack everytime you think about having sex with the person you really fucking want to

To want to rip your skin open every time my face or my hands come to your mind

To think about me constantly and hate the fact that you're doing so

To blame yourself for my actions

To think everything is your fault because you're fat, easy and a slut

To have to tell your mum you've been sexually assaulted and have to deal with the look on her face when she asks if you were penetrated

To have to justify my actions to your therapist and to yourself

To tell people, no it's fine, I don't mind watching movies with rape in it

To have to fight off a panic attack when someone takes photos of you in a compromising position because, it makes the other person feel uncomfortable

To have to learn to love yourself for the first time

To have to learn that sex isn't the basis of a relationship

To have to be taught that you don't have to be sorry all the time

To see your brothers hands grip the steering wheel when you explain why you understand what your friend is going through with their abusive ex

To learn not to base yourself on how attractive you are to others

To have to message your friend after they've gone to sleep because that moment keeps replaying in your mind

To have to feel bad about not letting me rape you further

To have to work with me and hear about me every day of the week

To not feel comfortable in your own skin

To freeze every time you hear my name because what if I'm actually there

To have an evening out ruined because I'm in the same building

To hate how I didn't quite assault you enough to make you feel justified in calling it sexual assault when by God it was

To wish, in a twisted sense, that I had raped you because then you could call the police or not feeling like you're overreacting

To sit, writing shitty poetry about me because it's the only mildly healthy way of dealing with it that you've got, when all you want to do is watch a shitty Netflix movie with your partner

To drink yourself to death every night so you don't have to deal with my face

To hate yourself

To hate me

So fucking deal with this

Deal with all of this

Because this is what you've forced me to deal with

And it's not fucking fair

[depressed-but-not]

How to train your girlfriend

Standing in the light of the ATM

Its green glow washing your face

A metaphor for desire made real

Beautiful imp

Enchanting

You turn and laugh

"Fuckable or not

All I need to know"

I bury my face in your chest, breathing you in

Holding you

Standing on the bridge

"This could be anywhere"

And I wanted it to be

Just me

And you

Somewhere far, far from here

From the neon lights and the trains and the people

"That's GRIM. Get your tongue out her throat!"

Creating new memories

Not repainting the cracks in the wall

From the sledgehammer inside your skull

Your decorating complimenting mine in the most horrible way

Standing in the shop

Panicking

Looking around for you

The quiet presence of you there beside me

Your hand as my anchor

Your guidance, your possession, your love

Gone

Suddenly

The dam broken and the tidal wave pouring through

Unstoppable

But then

Stopped

Sitting in the cinema

Your arm around my shoulders

The back brace I always needed

The sound of your tears matching mine

Just insignificant

The movie playing

Just insignificant

The cat ears on the floor

Just insignificant

Your hand touching my face

Your fourty percent touching mine

Your calm electric shocks meandering across my conductive skin

Just perfectly you

[depressed-but-not]

Illuminated

Bittersweet but beautiful

Riding far away

[depressed-but-not]

You know that lovely part of social anxiety? The one that repeats an incident in your mind until you die, telling you that you should never leave the house or do this activity again cos it'll go just as badly the next time even though people will eventually forget about it and it's not even that bad because it's something to be expected but all you can't think of is the disappointed, upset and humour they're finding out of the situation?

Yeah me too

[depressed-but-not]

He's gone but I'll be okay

[bookstudience]

Whoever may be reading this,

you are not seeing this on accident. This is your reminder that you will be okay, no matter how not okay life seems. Please try to remember nothing lasts forever, and the pain you are dealing with today will shape you to the person you are tomorrow. Good things are coming your way, be patient and they will come when you don’t expect it. You are loved and you matter, never let anyone make you think anything less than that. 

[sadnegro]

how do i stop fuckin thinking

[honeybpd]

me: i should- brain: OR you could kill yourself