Some people just aren't meant to be happy... @depressed-invisible-empty - Tumblr Blog

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It's so fucking crazy that all my hard work is finally paying off and TWO of the games I've been working on so hard for QA testing and Playtesting the last few months have actually had their demos release today for Steam Next Fest... Including one from a VERY big series...

I'm so proud, and it's all finally coming up! 💖

I don't know if that post at the start of November was about me, or someone else, but I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I'm truly sorry that your last relationship ended so badly, but I'm happy to see you making strides and improvements in your mental and physical health.

I don't think we would ever be able to be friends due to all the history and pain, but that doesn't mean I don't still think about you from time to time hoping that you've found happiness. You're on the right track Ari, I may not be on the sidelines, but I'm rooting for you to reach the end of the tunnel all the same. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

It's been bugging me for so long that I don't know who this is, please let me know.

But trust me, if you ever wanted, in time, we could build through all the history and pain. Re-write the story. People change, and I've changed a lot from who I was even a year ago.

I'm sorry for any pain or hurt I ever caused, whoever you are.

My ass has been a mess the last few years trying to come to terms with my new multiple diagnosises and trying to understand myself. I'm a lot better of a person than I used to be, even six months ago, and I hope in time, you could see that, if you wanted to, of course.

Please feel free to reach out to me, if you ever wanted. The door is always open. Always. 💖

"I want to live, not just survive."

ADHD fucking sucks.

The app specifically says 3:20 was my appointment call time, it's over an hour and a half later than that. I'm still waiting. I can't do anything until it happens, my whole day is in limbo, I can't do anything until it does, doing anything feels wrong and I feel like clawing my skin off doing anything. I tried to pee and get a drink and it felt so wrong that I wanted to just scratch myself consistently.

I hate how this goddamn health system is not designed for someone like me with ADHD. I literally cannot do anything without making myself feel worse while I'm waiting. I cannot do anything. People around me don't understand, I'm just not heard. Nobody cares. I feel so alone in this struggle. I hate being different.

I hate adhd. I hate it so much. I hate this endless waiting game, why can doctors not just stick to one time. I'm literally having a breakdown because of this. I hate how misunderstood I am. I hate how the system fucking sucks.

I'm so alone in my neurodivergent struggles and nobody seems to care.

perfectfeelings

“I’ll always remember you. I’ll always miss you. And you’re always a part of me. I’m always a part of you.”

— Unknown

remanence-of-love

somewordsarebiggerthanothers

literaryvein

L. V., excerpts from a past life

paper-wounds

12thgrave

i'm so fucking pathetic. i deserve to rot.

remanence-of-love

petaltexturedskies

Ingeborg Bachmann, from "Eyes to Wonder" in Three Paths to the Lake

vexheart

If you asked me a matter of months ago, if I saw my engagement breaking down, and him running to someone else 9 days later, I would have told you it was impossible. Here we are two months after that happened... I've developed a fear of people leaving me. More so than my abandonment issues were. It certainly doesn't help it. At all. Certain things that should make me feel certain ways, don't anymore. I've been heavily struggling with my emotions. I've been heavily struggling in general. I've even been spending hours on calls with people just crying sometimes, and I feel terrible that I have done, despite people allowing me that time and space. I know I'm loved by people, especially those closest to me, who have been there through so much, even now. But... that doesn't mean I feel it. Because that part of me left me two months ago, and hasn't fully come back just yet.

I'm struggling. Hard still. Every day. Just trying to put on a smile and get through everything, while in my head, there's so much running around and so much trying to beat me down, about everything. Why I wasn't good enough, Why I didn't do enough, Why I am the way I am, Why I always ruin everything remotely good in my life (even if it wasn't good, and I thought it was) It's... so goddamn difficult. Every day. Trying to fix myself, trying to learn about me, trying to... be better. It's taxing. It's draining. Heavily. Healing sucks. There's so much to go through, and so much to work through. It's emotional. It's heavy. It's... incredibly difficult. When you thought you were about to spend your life with someone, getting married literally the next month, and then suddenly everything implodes and nine days later they're with someone else... It's.. honestly very very difficult. I have a lot to process and deal with still, even though it's been two months now. But hopefully. In time. I'll get there. I don't know when. But some day.

Drawing up solo relationship therapy documents and workbooks feels difficult but it's something I need to do after the mess that was me today...

It's also helping me understand so much more of myself and why I do things, like being hyper vigilant when it comes to relationships through trauma of fear of abandonment, so I ask things like "Are you okay?" more often than I should, because I overread small signs of distance due to my brain associating it with danger.

I plead in arguments because it's a panic behaviour because of the same thing.

I have trouble expressing my emotions to people in ways that are normal or expressing my fears because growing up, it was always dismissed or punished, so I learnt to stop to try to avoid things. I've been trying to open up more emotionally and I like to think I do now than I did, because my previous therapist told me being a Jack in the box emotionally was unhealthy and I couldn't keep doing it, so I've been trying to not.

It's all a lot, but I think over time this will be good for me... I think it's truly a space for me to learn, and grow and outlast these shitty things I do because of my past traumas. I refuse to do them to anyone else. I refuse to hurt anyone else.

I said things today out of hurt. I apologised instantly and I didn't mean them. I was genuinely hurting.

Today was so raw. So real, and I thought we were having an honest sit down conversation about everything.

I hold no judgement. Truly. I said it out of hurt that I feel like I've been replaced. It doesn't bother me, and I am "progressive". It doesn't. Truly.

All that matters to me is you're happy. And you are. That's all I care about. You're happy.

I hope I can be in time. We were supposed to be getting married this month...

I hope in time we can in the future.

Until then. I just gotta focus on me and my Dbt and health.

This is my comeback arc.

This is where I'm stronger. I'm better. I'm true. I'm real. I'm happier. I'm healthier. Mentally, physically and emotionally.

I've lost 2kg in a week, I've been doing yoga and walking, I love my new yoga class, I'm streaming more and having so much fun with it, I'm working on plenty of plans, and I've been spending so much time with friends lately, it's really fulfilling. It's been four weeks, and I can't wait to see the full person I become in time. I'm so proud of my growth already, and I'm so far from done yet.

I'm the one who builds my tower. And my tower is already looking happier and more full of life. There's so much blossoming and I'm having fun finding out about myself, and my real strengths and power. I'm finding myself for the first time, and I love it. I'm putting love into myself for the first time.

I know who I am now. And I'm better than being treated like I can be replaced. Regardless of what happens.

I'm a loving, caring, sweet human being. I have made mistakes, absolutely, but those mistakes do not get to define me, and I'm reframing my brain and working piece by piece to build everything up with a stronger and better foundation. In every way. For me. Nobody else.

I'm a human being who was struggling with so much mentally. I'm so much better than that. I've hurt people, yes, I take accountability and responsibility, but at the same time, I was also struggling in myself and reactive as a human being. I'm not anymore. I'm working entirely on all of that. Alone. Stronger. Better.

I'm a better human being. I'm healing. One step at a time.

I'm the one who builds the tower. Nobody defines that but me. Thank you for the lessons. But I now release the negative energy. I release all the negativity that was held. I thank you for everything that we had, I thank you for the lessons, and for making me grow. But I also release all the negative feelings. I also release all the negativity that I feel. I release all the negative past. I release all negativity. I move forward to a better strength and better life for me. I don't know if you'll ever come back but either way, I'm growing for me, and I'm so proud. I'm looking forward to me.

I'm not a fantastic human being, but I'm growing. I'm learning. And I'm already better than I was through DBT, therapy, yoga, and my own inner healing and work. But this is time for me. Nobody else.

I come out of this storm stronger, not running from my feelings and running to someone else. Not this time. This is my growth and my time to focus on me. Not anything or anyone else. This is my life. My tower. You destroyed me, but now I rebuild. Happier than you left me. Not happier than I was when we were engaged. But happier than I was when you left me.

I release the negative energy and negative feelings. It's time to rebuild and grow for me, and I'm happier already.

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