[deselfmademan]

Just getting on with whatever motivation I have left.

[deselfmademan]

I had to take a big sigh and remember all the things we cherished together before I started writing this because I am so overwhelmed with the love we have.

I've never been sure of anyone for years. Maybe because I was too coward to relive all the painful cliches of a toxic relationship. It was difficult for me to pull myself together.

But you gave me reasons to believe in love again. That I could find it again. You were so patient. I remember when we first got back together, I asked you if we could only be in an exclusive relationship first. I was so selfish. And yet, you agreed. I know it was not easy for you to accept it but I saw how you still love me unconditionally.

The first time we lived together for quite some time, I got scared because I lived by myself for a very long time— got so used to the bubble and peace I made for myself I didn't want anyone to ruin that. I got brutally honest to you with that idea and still, you made sure I was comfortable and you let me took time to get used to being with someone again. In my mind, I've always asked—how did you manage to do that? How do you manage to always give in on things I asked you to do? Because if I were under your shoes, I wouldn't have handled it very well. But then I looked back, you just love me very much.

When I was planning to work in Vietnam, you went here in Palawan immediately because you just wanted to spend more time with me. To be honest, I cried when you said you'd be coming because, no one ever did something like that for me. I just knew then that, I will be loving you for the rest of my life.

I don't know what the future holds for us. I know that for now, we are comfortable of where we are. But I also know that we will still have many setbacks, fights, arguments, but I pray that we'll resolve all of them together. I will improve my life conditions for you and I will bring you in my wins.

You only deserve the best, bibi. I love you forever and ever.

[deselfmademan]

HIV awareness campaigns often feel like a bureaucratic requirement rather than a genuine mission. While health sectors promote these campaigns, many provinces still lack treatment hubs, support groups remain scarce, and stigma is more apparent than ever.

I know a lot of people who join HIV symposiums but are the first to condemn same-sex relationships, pre-marital sex, and sex education. The way I see it, HIV awareness campaigns are being weaponized by dogmatic assholes to fear monger and spread hate among people. They accumulate knowledge from these campaigns and used them to even demonize PLHIVs.

The DOH and the government must revisit and recalibrate their initiatives pertaining to HIV. They must not only be limited within airconditioned venues to facilitate HIV campaigns but must also do campaigns in barangays. Pass sex education bill. Allocate more budget for treatment hubs and testing centers. But most importantly, all "advocates" must truly understand the purpose of the campaign. They should be the first to make PLHIVs and the general population feel safe when talking about HIV.

[deselfmademan]

Facebook is really testing my protester spirit in me lately because of these dumbshit DDSs. But I am bounded by my profession. If only I am not employed in a "conservative" state university, I would have joined the protesters a long time ago and posted all my thoughts about them. Because what do you mean these people are only voting the Dutertes because of their names and not for the purpose of making a good life for all Filipinos? Bitch, I don't want to fight but once I did, you'd be questioning your existence.

That's why I deactivated my Facebook account again (god knows how many times I deactivated my account) because I don't want to be trigged and lose all my dignity just because I am driven by my emotions.

It's getting more and more clear to me na talaga to move to other country because DDSshits are beyond saving to be honest. Philippines is almost impossible to be saved na rin as well because of them.

Fuck you, Dutertes!

[deselfmademan]

Galibog na gyud akong utok karon ay.

Supposedly, lahi gyud dapat ang akong goal karon. Mag sulat unta ko sa akong thesis. Humanon unta nako siya karong weekends kay para maka focus na ko sa akong ubang mga task. Na realize man gud nako human sa among meeting ganeha nga hastang kadaghan diay gyud namo kailangan himuon nga semester.

Kaso kani akong isa ka advisee sa thesis kay hastang samoka pod kaayo ka istorya. Ambot unsaon ni nako sila oy. Nag spend na nuon ko og evening para sa ilaha nga sila man dapat responsible aning ilang thesis oy.

Di na pod ko makasulat aning akong thesis kay sorry for the poor choice of words but ka bogo na lang gyud ani nga mga advisees. Di na lang siguro ni nako pa graduate-on oy. Kapila man sila ingnan but di gihapon sila maka gets. Ako na pod mag run through ani sa ilahang papel jusko.

Mao ra to. Nag rant lang ko in Bisaya kay para wala pod kaayo daghan makasabot diri. Nagpahungaw ra bitaw ko sa akong kasapot. Byeee.

[deselfmademan]

I am sorry tumblr if I ever only turn to you when things are not going my way. I know I offend you that I don't share everything to you now. It's just that.. life isn't what it's used to. A lot has changed and I don't recognize you that much already. I only opt to spacing out now whenever things are getting heavy. Whenever I want to something to get off my chest, I just cry myself to sleep. It's just easier this way because I don't have to recall in my mind all the storms I had to face to tell you I was hurting.. that I was in pain.

I know you don't understand me now. I also don't understand myself anymore. I just want you to know that I'm okay. I'm unstable but I am okay.

[deselfmademan]

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity.

When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.

In our age there is no such thing as "keeping out of politics." All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia. When the general atmosphere is bad, language must suffer. I should expect to find —this is a guess which I have not sufficient knowledge to verify— that the German, Russian and Italian languages have all deteriorated in the last ten or fifteen years, as a result of dictatorship.

-George Orwell, Politics and English Language (1946)

[deselfmademan]

I self-reflect too much to a point that I question the authenticity of my actions.

I don't know if it's compassion when I try to help someone who is overworked or just merely pretense. I don't know if it's empathy when I pity someone who's disregarded or just my self-projection. Most of the time, I demonize myself too much for being empathetic or compassionate because I don't want to appear hypocritical or pretentious. I don't give myself credit for being unknowingly kind.

[deselfmademan]

I miss tumblr.

Not just the app but my whole life in it. I wish I could be active as I was before but life just really sucked it out from me.

Wala na rin akong masyadong nakakausap sa tumblr. "Matumal" nga katulad ng tawag natin dati. Mga bata na rin ba gumagamit ng app na 'to?

[deselfmademan]

𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨, 𝙞𝙩’𝙨 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖 𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚.

For many times, I’ve expressed my denial of taking the lead in several things, primarily because I despise liaising. But more than that, I’m simply afraid that I don’t have what it takes to be sitting with important people. God knows how goofy I am with my friends. I don’t usually dress the part, I don’t walk the part, I don’t talk the part. I don’t even act the part, for Pete’s sake.

However, no matter how much I try to dodge the laser beam, I can’t seem to escape the matrix. I don’t know what the universe is telling me, but whatever it is, it’s both a blessing and a curse.

Perhaps it’s a blessing because now I understand that I have a place in rooms I once thought were too big for me—that I could be someone I thought I never would. It was a bit unsettling at first, but I eventually got the hang of it. (So, this is how it feels to be sitting on the other side of the table, hekhek).

It’s a blessing because whatever the universe gave me, it gave me an opportunity to expand the horizon of my knowledge in my field.

We just concluded the CHED MIMAROPA and RQAT Team’s visit yesterday, and boy, was it a hell of a ride. But their visit struck me with a thought: what I know in my field is just the tip of the iceberg. If I had let my fears win that day, or any other day that I’m responsible for, I wouldn’t have learned anything. Thankfully, I did not crack.

On the other hand, I think it’s also a curse because now, people will have bigger expectations of me. I will be entrusted with more and bigger responsibilities that I don’t normally handle. And that’s terrifying. It feels like I’m walking into a world that constantly demands a better version of myself—one that I’m still learning how to be. Yesterday, I was asked by our guests how old I am, and they were perplexed that I hold such a position at a relatively young age.

My point is, I don’t know if all of this has a purpose. But I hope it does—or this would all be for nothing. I hope the universe conspires with all merciful beings to pave the way for me toward a fruitful life.

[deselfmademan]

Some successes of a leader are not measured by the number of medals, plaques, or any other quantitative means.

Success can also be found in the ability to control one’s emotions when dealing with a disruptive member of the organization. It takes a great deal of practice and experience for a leader to master emotional control in the middle of a heated discussion.

It also lies in the skillful use of team diversity to achieve shared goals. In any organization, it's only natural to encounter a wide range of attitudes and personalities. A successful leader knows how to harness these differences as strengths rather than see them as obstacles.

Moreover, true leadership is reflected in being responsive to the needs of others and showing genuine empathy. A leader who listens, understands, and acts with compassion builds not only results—but trust, loyalty, and unity.

So, if it is getting difficult to look for visible outcomes of your leadership, maybe you're looking for the wrong things. Adjust the focus and maybe, it's just right in front of you all along.

[deselfmademan]

A Silent Appreciation for the Battles I've Won

Since the beginning of the year, I have been complaining about my job. As I said, I accepted a position that I thought was too big for me - and I think it still is. My responsibilities have become bigger and heavier now and that came with the worst battles I had to win. I thought my job was to only arrange schedules and work on some pertinent documents; I had not prepared myself to the idea that I will also be dealing with kissing asses, mediating heated discussions, toxic and indolent employees, curmudgeon, and among other things.

These are things that can really make me surrender. I bet this is not mutually exclusive to me. Any hard working and dedicated employee's morale will wear down once the emotional weight has become to heavy for them to carry.

However, I'm still here. After all the whirlwind of heartache, mental stress, and breakdowns, I'm still here. Along this harrowing battle, I learned how to extend my patience. I didn't know I could extend my patience this long. I won the battle of self-doubt (but it's still there). I won the battle of losing control of my emotions. I learned how to appreciate people who willingly serve and help. Most importantly, I learned how to be kind to myself.

I don't know if all of this has a purpose. But I hope they have - or this would only be for nothing. But still, thank you self for always trying to be the bigger person.

I am so proud of the person you have become.

[deselfmademan]

Sitting on the stage during our pre-commencement exercise, alongside the MSU dignitaries, made me realize several things:

𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗻𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗜 𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀. Up until that moment, I always felt the gentle stirrings of my inner child — immature, mischievous, rebellious, a go-getter, and everything in between. I never felt that I was growing. But sitting there made me realize that damn, I forgot I'm already 27 and I have a huge role to fulfill already. Playtime is done. I have to dress the part. I have to walk the part. I have to speak for the part;

𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗶𝗴 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲. Not because I want the spotlight or applause, but because recognition, even in its simplest form, affirms that the countless hours I devoted to serving, guiding, and giving back were not in vain. That somewhere, somehow, what I did mattered; and

𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗲𝗻𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗱. I used to only dream of becoming a simple employee — no ranks, no designations, just someone quietly doing the work. God knows how many times I declined offers to lead, afraid I wasn’t enough. But like uninvited guests, opportunities kept knocking. So, I gave it a try. It’s been arduous, laborious, and humbling. But I know I am being prepared for something much greater than myself (I hope so).

In all honesty, it’s not just a seat on the stage. It’s a reminder that I have a place in rooms I once thought were too big for me.

[deselfmademan]

I was once asked to buy junk food by my rich friend. When I did and returned to her, she laughed in disappointment because I had bought all the cheap ones. I didn’t respond, as I didn’t understand why she had to react that way. Now, I realize it was a clear manifestation of our economic disparity—and the privileges that come with it.

It’s true that our economic conditions shape the way we behave. She laughed at me for buying the cheap ones because she was used to purchasing food that only the rich could afford. I bought them because those were the kinds of food I was used to—and could only afford. But to me, they were already a luxury.

This speaks volumes about why we cannot simply blame poor individuals for the decisions they make in life. Many poor people don’t go to school because they believe they can’t afford it, or that it’s a waste of time. Many don’t eat healthy because they think they don’t have the money for it. Many dream small because they believe they lack the means to pursue more.

It takes hard work, determination, and a complete mental recalibration to change the behaviors and beliefs shaped by poverty. It’s absurd how easy it is for the rich and privileged to say the poor must simply “change their mindset.” No—it’s not that simple.

The rich and privileged do not have the right to judge the marginalized.

[ziggyevenstar]

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[deselfmademan]

Holding it together because people will only remember your potential outburst over the hundred good things you did.

[deselfmademan]

Bottling up your frustrations could really make you literally sick noh? Was not able to sleep properly last night because I couldn't express how frustrated I was. Then I started to hyperventilate because I was anxious na hindi ako makatulog ng maaga eh ang aga ko pa naman pumasok sa school kanina.

Ang hirap din talaga magpakabait minsan. Tangina.