Belle

Just my online diary 28 WLW ~~~ men and minors DNI~~~

[desirefromafarr]

the quote from Winnie the Pooh “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” has been carrying me through my grief.

[seaphine]

may you attract someone who treats you like they’ve been waiting their whole life to find you

[desirefromafarr]

“I wish you knew I went through hell,while you found someone new”

It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Except it’s not a “new someone”, it’s her ex-girlfriend before me. Watching her fall out of love with ME and back in love with HER.

She’s my first love and I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.

I’ve tried to get over her, but I can’t. And it’s hard because she got over me so fast and it makes me wonder just HOW LONG before she broke up with me did she lose her feelings for me.

I’ve been so lost the last five months, and my emotions are so unstable. I’m angry, anxious, depressed etc. I’m EXHAUSTED.

[neckkiss]

[desirefromafarr]

The fact that she wants me around more NOW than when we were in a relationship is odd. Like I’m more enjoyable to be around as a friend than a girlfriend? Okay…

She also still calls me babe and she’s just confusing me so fucking much

[desirefromafarr]

Since we ended I’ve felt so much pain

Crying myself to sleep

Taking my anger out on anything and anyone

I feel no remorse for it

I’m heartbroken

I feel nothing else

And her?

She seams okay

Like nothing is wrong

Like what we had never happened

Now I can’t speak for her

I don’t know what’s going on in her head

But seems to me like she’s better off without me

[desirefromafarr]

Well it had to happen sooner or later right?

I mean everybody leaves.

I get comfortable and happy and then they decide to leave.

It’s why I don’t have many friends, but she’s my friend now.

Except she will probably leave me too, and I can’t stop her because she’s her own person

So yeah, it had to happen sooner than later right?

[desirefromafarr]

Well she broke up with me

Said she still loves me

But that she just needs to be single right now

She still wants to be friends and hang out

Says she’s not trying to hurt me

Well guess what? You did

She wants me to get tinder, so I can find people to hook up with

Which feels like she’s pushing me away

Like there’s no chance of us getting back together because you know…

We’re just friends

[desirefromafarr]

Her best friend is her ex girlfriend

They were together for five years

How can she not understand why I get jealous and emotional

She tried to compare it to a friendship

But the thing it…

My friend and I didn’t share kisses

We didn’t share a bed

Or plan on building a life together

We are just friends

Just like her and her ex

[desirefromafarr]

She doesn’t answer my texts as quickly

She’ll read them and not respond

But her ex?

She’ll answer those almost immediately

I don’t understand

What have done?

To make you fall out of love with me

To make you not want to touch me?

I don’t get naked in front of you anymore

Last night became the closest I’ve been to it

And when I walked towards you…

You looked me up and down…

But it wasn’t love

It wasn’t lust

Not adoration

Some other look

One that says I’m not the one you want in front of you

It’s safe to say I got dressed quickly after that

[desirefromafarr]

It’s like she loves me in phases

Only when she feels like it

Only when she’s drunk

When she’s lonely at night

I guess I should take comfort in that

She wants to feel my presence

To know that I am there

But when I go to talk to her

She doesn’t pay attention

I show her something

Shows no interest

In anything I say or do

But her ex?

No question

Asks her questions about it

Am I just a girl?’

To have around to fill the void?

[desirefromafarr]

You told me to stop assuming things

So why assume my emotions without asking me anything?

They’re your family..

I would never be mad at you for spending time with them

The only reason I would be upset is because I’m feeling left out

But I can’t tell you that

You’ll say I’m overthinking it

Or that “maybe you should get days off with me”

Guess what?

I do, every other weekend that matches yours

And we have yet to make plans on those days

You need your space? You got it

You need time to get your head straight? Absolutely

But please put yourself in my shoes and tell me how you would feel

If the person you loved

Who you lived with for six months

Said that they needed space

Needed you to move out

Without any reason other than that they needed to get mentally okay

~~~~

I’ve seen you on your worst day

I’ve seen you on your best

And when you’re not feeling mentally stable

Filled with anger

Anger you don’t even know where it’s stemming from

You push me away

I know anger

I’ve seen it my whole life

I’m not a scared little girl anymore

I’m a woman who can stand up for herself

I may get tears in my eyes

But it’s not out of horror, or hurt

Its frustration and anger because I can’t help you through what you’re going through

[desirefromafarr]

You’re at the river

Probably with your mom and ex

I’m at work

We never do anything like that

Just stay at your house

Doing nothing

What wrong with me that you don’t want to go anywhere with me?

[desirefromafarr]

I just need it to be a live story you know? Because if it isn’t love story, I don’t know what it is.

[desirefromafarr]

Eight months together

Beginning

Heavy touching

Lustful looks

Intimate evenings

Joyful laughter

You listen when my emotions are high

My clinginess is cute

Middle

Laughter is there

But trouble is sneaking up

The heavy touching decreases

You’re lustful looks don’t last long

The intimate nights only happen when you’re intoxicated

You’re attention to my emotions are there but not as much

My clinginess can be too much

Now

Laughter is endangered

The touches, only when we bump into each other

The intimacy? Extinct

You can’t handle listening to me cry, so you walk away

But I stay, because I know the love is still there

I feel when we look at each other

When we touch just the slightest

When you’re listening to me talk about issues, your attention is there but not fully

I don’t want to lose you so I keep the clinginess to a minimum

You initiated a kiss for the first time in a long while

It felt like you still wanted me

~~~

But then my emotions become high

You’re hanging out with your ex and your mom

Going to the beach

Having game night

While I sit at my aunts house

Listening to music

The sound of the tv in the background

Waiting for a text back

Nothing

I sit patiently waiting for your response

Silence

I can’t make a big deal about it because they’re you’re family

I’m just your girlfriend

Or am I a girl, whose just your friend

A friends who kisses your forehead when you’re sleeping

Who comforts you when your nightmares turn into night terrors

Who never judged you on how much you drank so you could sleep at night

Who never threatened to call the cops when you needed to walk away to calm down

I’m a girl, whose a friend

I’m your girlfriend

[desirefromafarr]

We went from being careful with kisses

To fucking in the back of her car on lunch

[desirefromafarr]

I asked her why me?

What is it about me, that made her “choose” me

She said it was my eyes

And that she hasn’t been able to look me in the eyes since she met me

And my personality makes her feel like she HAS to get to know me

And that she’s drawn to me

We’ve known each other for months

And it took me until now to notice that she never really has looked me in the eyes until now

And even now, she can hardly keep eye contact without her blushing and looking away