Zhyan wasnât sure if he had completely destroyed wherever was between them in forms of friendship, but it felt significant, it felt like there was a lot there that he couldnât fix. That in opening himself up to someone, opening up this seed of guilt and doubt, without actually explaining where it was from, that it would make her look at him differently. But he had no control over that, she had said as much as he had to agree. He had no control over what she would think of him, he couldnât convince her that he was a bad person, he could, and perhaps he should, reflect on the fact that she thought he was a good person. He wanted to believe that, he wanted to believe it, to believe his own guilt was a reason why he couldnât be a monster. To believe that the Spirit hadnât corrupted him in its disregard for life. He offered her only silence for a moment.Â
He stared at her as she spoke, sometimes thinking he could have a different perspective. âKarmaâŠâ he cleared his throat. âKarma means that what I do in this life predetermines where I will start in the next. Itâs what Iâve always believed, what I still believe. It means that I have to start doing a lot of good if I want to erase all the bad Iâve done.â He swallowed, it wasnât much of an admittance, despite having told people, it still felt impossible to repeat again. He always thought it would make it easier, but it didnât, it only got harder. âBut the bad keeps haunting me. Someone like you, like Laurel, youâre good people, you save people, help people, you are willing to lay your own lives on the line to save those around you. People like me are the reason why you have to.â In his mind that had everything to do with Karma. Because he was selfishly thinking about his own soul, what would happen to it, knowing he could never be like Devon and Laurel, knowing that their next lives would be better for how good they were now, while his would be worse. And the cycle would continue, and he felt like he was trapped.
she waits. there must be a point. there must be a reason behind his words or reasoning. but maybe devonâs just too young to understand. or too stubborn. because she doesnât get why he still sees himself in the light that he does. âokay?â the blonde ends up saying after a long moment. unsure of whether or not itâs a question or a statement. âso you have to do a shit ton of good, which you wonât be able to do if you keep thinking youâre not worth doing good in the first place.â devon sighs, fiddling with her hands for a moment as she tries to collect her thoughts. again that feeling of missing something washes over her -- it seems simple. cut and dry. if you try to do good things then you are inherently good, regardless of the bad that happens. and if you try and do bad things then youâre, well, bad.
âdoing good things isnât easy. and, yeah, itâs harder for some people more than others, but if you give up because things are hard then iâm... not sure you really wanted to be good in the first place. i think people have to continuously work to be better, itâs not something that is just there. being good starts with the belief that you can be.â she flashes him a pointed look, âso you have to believe that you are good.â