a small update 3 months later because i feel like i need to put my goals in line to myself once again.
as expected from me, i'm stuck at my wips (lmao)!!!!! but surprisingly i'm not feeling, like, bad BAD about it. i know i'm feeling bad and i still feel like i'm running out of time within all of my responsabilites, and even if the last time i opened my docs to write something was in march, i'm not feeling angry and depressed about it like i'm used to, which is new and interesting. i'd say that, for the first time, i'm feeling like an adult trying to put their life together, because that's basically what's happening.
i think college is starting to take me somewhere. not particularly in employement, but in a way of it's finally starting to make sense to me. i struggled with my feelings about college a lot because it was not my first choice of graduation, but i grew to love it, and now i'm trying to get adjusted in my academic life.
by that, after a year of avoiding clinical centers and living unmedicated, i finnally went to a psychiatrist.
to >my< surprise (and none to an avarage person with a brain) this changed things A LOT. i am, for the first time of my life, experiencing a life with a routine!!! i'm getting produtctive!!!!! even if i'm still getting used to it and adjusting my schedule bit by bit, it's something that has turned things completely to me. hopefully, this will help me along with my writing journey as well.
what i've been doing as an author since february was: i started a silly one shot requested by a friend so then later i'd start writing katabasis (prev mentioned as kathodos, probably), although i don't know if i'll finish it. it's 3,9k long and i'm at the end of it, but since i took so long to write i doubt she'd still read it. and i wanted to write another one shot (because i'm in the mood) before i get into katabasis.
my plan for katabasis is to release it around the time pjotv is back with it's s2 and that's what's stated for now, but who knows? it'd be really cool if i could do it.
unfortunaly, i have to be in peace with my struggles (anxiety specially) in order to write. i also got confirmed that i must feel connected with the moment for the words to get out, and thats where my dillema's at, because to write something i must get most of the stuff planned, and planning a story, for me, an impostor syndromed perfectionist, takes time. lot's of time. and through that space of time my fixations to the sources, and media are gone. this sucks, but it's true. it's why i leave most of all of my wips unfinished. but yeah katabasis will happen, i want to write this one so bad and i feel like it should be there before i start writing CHB.
there's still hope for the anxious though, if it does not kill me i'll get there.
Agust D, NiiHWA · D-2 · Song · 2020