I let out a slow breath as the contraction passed, running my hands over my nine-month-pregnant, soon to be deflated stomach. Leaning back against the plush pillows of the bed, I let my legs fall apart, my heels connected in front of me with my hands coming to rest on my knees.
“That one wasn’t too bad. I think I’m just getting used to them.” I tell my husband, Liam, smiling weakly.
He chuckles a bit and squeezes my calf. “Yeah, you’ve only been at this for nearly ten hours now. I bet your body just thinks they’re like a hiccup or something. Want a back massage?”
“A hiccup that feels like someone with an abnormally large hand is squeezing my uterus in their fist,” I correct with a little smile, then nodded gratefully. “That sounds great. Can you check me again too? I must have progressed some in the past hour.”
“I think you just want to be fingered.”
“Maybe that too.”
Liam chuckled and leaned in, kissing my lips soundly. I decided before the pregnancy was even confirmed that I wanted a unassisted homebirth with Liam. Of course our midwife is on speed dial just in case, but all I want is to push this baby into Liam’s hands and share the moment only with him. I let him know early on that this was the route I was planning to take, and he has been more supportive than I could’ve ever dreamed, from providing for my midnight cravings to keeping me comfortable in labor far better than most husbands.
I feel Liam’s hand trail up my inner thigh as his lips wander to my neck. I immediately melt under his touch as he spreads my lower lips with one hand and massages my clitoris with two fingers of the other. Truthfully, I had just wanted him to check my cervix, but in no way am I complaining.
My stomach visibly tightens with the beginning of a contraction and Liam stops his teasing, instead resting his hands on my thighs. I quickly shake my head.
“No, no. Don’t you dare stop.”
Liam quickly returns to my pussy, running his fingers over my slick lips, teasing me. The contraction builds and I find some relief in rolling my hips, increasing the friction of his fingers against my most sensitive area.
“Fuck!” I find myself groaning, both out of pleasure and pain from the pressure in my abdomen. The contraction soon ebbs, but Liam’s fingers continue to stroke and massage me. I feel myself coming apart as he gently squeezes my clit between his thumb and forefinger. Arching my back, I clench my muscles and buck my hips involuntarily as my orgasm erupts within me. I fall back against the bed, breathing heavily.
“That was quick.” Liam chuckles as I try to get my breathing under control.
“You have very talented fingers,” I smirk and brush some hair out of my face. “Now really, check me, please.”
I softly gasp in discomfort as my husband gently slips two fingers into my overstimulated sex. His other hand pushes down on my full stomach with a bit of pressure, feeling the position of our baby.
“You’re really opening, babe. Not much longer now.”
“Ugh, can you give me a number? I’m getting a bit tired of this.” I feel myself whining but for good reason. Ten hours!
Liam’s fingers move inside me. “I’d say about seven centimeters. How about that massage now?”
I’m a little disappointed because I had been stuck at six centimeters for the past three hours. The contractions are so much closer now and I was hoping it was my body working overtime to help me dilate. Liam senses this and removes his fingers, gently patting my inner thigh. With a hint of a disappointed sigh, I maneuver myself out of bed and stand on the side of it, resting my upper body on my elbows, digging them into the soft bed comforter. Liam stands behind me and applies firm pressure to my lower back.
I moan contentedly, but it’s cut short by another contraction. Breathing deeply and stiffening under Liam’s hands, I lean my head down on the bed and let out a low groan. Sensing my discomfort, Liam digs the heels of his hands into my lower back, the counter pressure feeling heavenly. He continues his pressure until the contraction ends and I let out a heavy breath.
“Did that help any?” he asks, moving his hands to massage my shoulders and neck.
“Yeah, it did,” I still feel uncomfortable, though, and pull off the t-shirt of Liam’s that’s the only article of clothing I’ve been wearing since a labored in the bath four hours ago. I pulled my hair into a bun on top of my head and am surprised by how much the small acts increased my comfort level even slightly.
Liam continues massaging my lower back through a few more contractions, until I get tired of standing and decide I want back in bed. By this point, the contractions are getting more and more intense, my belly tightening and squeezing extremely uncomfortably with every one. They’re also coming more frequently, and I both welcome and am nervous at the thought that I will be pushing soon. I am resting on my knees with my hands pressing into the pillows of our bed. A contraction starts to build and I begin to rock my hips in circles, searching for relief from the pressure building in my pelvis.
“That’s good, babe. Bring our baby down.” Liam is behind me, applying pressure to my back and soft kisses to my shoulder.
During the height of the contraction, I feel the overwhelming urge to push. I’m surprised and know I shouldn’t, that I’m not dilated enough, but I bear down with a groan. “I’m pushing!” I announce.
“Oh no, no, no!” Liam objects, his hand flying to my vagina and sliding two fingers in. “You’re not open enough, babe, and your water hasn’t even broken yet.”
“Doesn’t matter! Gotta push!” The feeling is primal and I can’t stop it. I’m feeling so much pressure that I think I will die from the relief I get from pushing. The contraction ends but the pressure remains and I bite my lip, gripping the headboard of the bed.
“You cannot push, honey. You’re not dilated enough and you’ll swell. You know this.”
“I know that I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now and I need to push!” I insist through gritted teeth. The baby feels like a bowling ball deep in my hips. I know I’m not ready, but the pressure I feel is absolutely unbearable.
Somewhere in my subconscious I’m telling myself not to push, but the pressure is impossibly strong. I change positions, lying on my back against the pillows and spreading my legs wide. Another contraction starts to build and I grip Liam’s arm, squeezing and primally growling, my eyes rolling back in my head. I have to push. I have to do it now.
“Please, Liam. There’s no fucking way I cannot push. It’s coming.”
“No.” he says simply.
“It’s not your choice!” I’m gritting my teeth, everything in my power going towards not pushing. “Liam, please. The baby is coming.”
I feel his fingers inside me and let out a low breath. “Liam, please, tell me I can push. Say something. I need to push! I need to push, really! I have to push!” I know I’m rambling, but I can’t express how badly my body wants to force this baby out.
“Sweetie, we have a big baby in here and you’re only dilated to eight centimeters at most. If you want your unassisted birth, you cannot push.” All I feel is his fingers inside me and the insane pressure in my hips. Suddenly, I feel a gush of warm water shoot out of me, sighing as some of the pressure is relieved.
“There goes the water.” Liam says, quickly going to our bathroom and grabbing a hand towel. He gently dries my thighs and sex, dries his hands, and situates the towel under my butt. “Feel any better?”
“A bit. I could push though. There’s still a little bit of the urge.”
“Well let’s wait a bit. I don’t want to risk anything.”
I huff and roll onto my side, squeezing my knees together so I wouldn’t be tempted to push. Liam strokes my hip and presses a kiss to my head. “Not much longer now, love.”
“Still too long.”
Another contraction grips my abdomen and I grip Liam’s arm tightly. My face screws up into a clenched frown and I squeeze my thighs together, irrationally feeling that the baby would shoot out if not. Panting as it passes, I roll back onto my back and spread my knees, giving my husband a nonverbal cue to check my cervix. He slides a few fingers deeply into my vagina, kissing my knee in an attempt to soothe any discomfort. His face lights up as he moves deeper into me. “Our baby has so much hair.”
Despite the discomfort, I smile weakly and then genuinely when he slides his fingers back out. He felt our baby in the flesh for the first time and I’ve never seen someone as excited. He kisses my lips and rests his forehead against mine, a sweet moment that turns sour soon with the arrival of another contraction. I breathe heavily, both hands on my rock hard stomach, biting my lip and praying that it will be over soon. The pressure returns and I resist the urge to bear down.
“How far along was I?” I ask after the contraction passes, trying to regain control of my breathing.
“Still around eight. I’ll let you know when you can start pushing, babe.”
“I think I know when I should push, and that’s now.”
“No.”
I groan, “I can’t do this!”
“You can, baby. You’re so fucking close,” he tells me, pressing a kiss into my belly. “You’ll be pushing in no time. Which reminds me, we should probably do one last stretching.”
“Ooh, fun,” I say sarcastically. With it being our first baby and an unassisted birth, tearing has been a worry of ours. Over the course of the third trimester, per suggestion of our midwife, Liam has been stretching my vagina and perineum to prepare for delivery. It’s not the most comfortable process, but he’s gentle, and I know it’s helping me in the long run.
Liam smirks and grabs the bottle of coconut oil that stays on our bedside table. Massaging some onto his fingers and nudging my knees open, he easily slides two fingers of both hands into my vagina. I suck in a breath of discomfort.
“Sorry, beautiful. It’s your fault for being so tight.” he jokes, slowly and gently stretching my vaginal opening apart with his hands. He massages the oil into the skin of my perineum with his thumbs and pushes open my vaginal walls. To heighten my discomfort, another contraction arrives and I quickly snap my knees shut. “No, stay open. Relax and let everything stretch and soften.” Liam says as he nudges my knees apart again. He pushes two fingers deep inside me and probes at my cervix.
“Liam, I’m so uncomfortable! Can’t you stretch my cervix around the head?”
“I don’t want to risk anything, baby,” he insists, but continues to probe inside me. “I think with the next contraction the head will be passing through your cervix anyway. I can feel it poking out.”
Although the news is good, I still feel an urge to push now, not with the next contraction. Liam continues prepping my opening and leans in for a kiss. “Really, not much longer now, babe. You’ve almost made it.”
I mentally decide to push no matter what on my next contraction. There is a burning deep in my hips, and I know it’s my baby’s head pushing through my cervix. It’s painful, but I’m tired and ready to be done. The next contraction arrives and I bear down, groaning primally.
“Go ahead and push, baby. Push my fingers out.” Liam is still probing around in my hole (He just loves it in there!) and I manage to grit, “I already am!” through my teeth. I feel incredible relief from pushing, but I don’t feel the baby move. The contraction passes but I continue to push, desperately wanting to progress.
“Wait for the contraction to push. You don’t want to tire yourself out, sweetie.” Liam kisses my stomach and moves his fingers inside me. “If you’re feeling any burning, it’s because the head is pushing through your cervix.” I nod.
“Almost there, alright?” He smiles at me and swipes his thumb over my clitoris. I gasp and playfully hit his chest. I settle my knees far apart, feeling the need to make room for a bowling ball coming out of me. Liam strokes my inner thighs as we await the next contraction.
When it comes and builds, I nearly scream. The pressure to push is so intense and the burning in my hips so painful that I can’t react. After a moment, I bear down, subconsciously hearing Liam counting and feeling fingers inside me, presumably stretching my cervix around the head. The burning in my hips moves to my vagina and I throw my head back in pain.
“The head is right inside you! You got it past your cervix!”
The words don’t register; I just continue to push even though the contraction has faded, going against Liam’s earlier warning. The baby is slowly moving down my birth canal, and I feel its every move.
“It’s right here, babe. Our baby is right inside you. Just a few more pushes and you’ll be able to see it.”
That reminded me, “Get the mirror, please,”
Liam ran to the bathroom and grabbed the small mirror we purchased specifically for this moment. He held it up. “Nothing to see yet, but trust me. He’s right inside you.”
“He?” I chuckle lightly, then pant a bit, “And yeah, I know. Trust me. I can feel him. Or her,”
A contraction started rippling through my stomach and I bore down again. Liam held up the mirror and I saw my labia remain tightly closed, but a telltale bulge was forming behind them. I held the push until the contraction ended and rested my hands on my stomach, trying to even my breathing.
“Want to feel it?”
I nod and reach my hands down, one parting my labia and one slowly inserting two fingers into my opening. I don’t have to go to far before I feel a hard, slimy mass inside me. I grin and let my fingers rest there as I feel another contraction. I bear down, simultaneously pushing my moist vaginal walls back around the head of my baby. The head is large and only moves slightly, but I’m proud of my progress. I bear down hard again after the contraction subsides.
“Babe, just rest between contractions.” Liam suggests as I grunt and bear down hard. I breathe for a moment, but another contraction comes before I can truly rest. I push hard and start to feel burning again, this time much worse and in a different place than earlier. Liam holds the mirror up with one hand and gently parts my labia with the other. I feel the baby moving toward my opening but still can’t see. The contraction ends and I lean back against the pillows.
“Beautiful, babe. This baby is coming down so fast. It’ll be crowning so soon.”
“I don’t want it to crown. It burns enough already.” I whine and push some hair out of my face. The contractions are basically on top of one another, and I push again with the next one. Looking in the mirror, my labia are still tightly closed, but I can definitely feel my baby close to the opening. Liam parts my labia and I catch a glimpse of a dime-size amount of wet, black hair. He grins from ear to ear and uses his fingers to hold my lips open. “Look at that!” He says excitedly. “Look, babe!”
I pant and let the push go, and the baby slides back up my birth canal slightly. I groan in frustration.
“You knew that would happen, honey. Keep pushing and it’ll stay out.”
I listen to his advice and start pushing again right as my next contraction arrives. There is a fire in my vagina and I scream out as I see the head part my folds. Liam rests the mirror against his leg, freeing his hands to help stretch me. I see more of the head poking out, but can’t see past my pain to be proud of it. I bear down hard and my opening takes a teardrop shape. The stretch makes me scream loudly.
“God, please, no more!” I’m screaming and it’s unimaginable how I’ll get this whole baby out. I let go of the push but Liam holds my lips open and the baby stays right at my opening. There’s so much burning and pressure and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Liam lovingly pats my thigh. “Push again when you’re ready, love.”
I take a breath and push down, screeching as I feel the burning increase. I look down, not in the mirror but over my belly, and see my labia bulging out significantly. All I can do is bear down and scream as the head descends slowly. The baby is large; at our last midwife appointment we were told to expect at least a nine pounder, and I’m convinced the head alone weighs nine pounds at this point. I glance in the mirror at myself bulging and stretching and feel accomplished, but the baby isn’t even crowning yet and it’s already almost impossible for me to bear the pain.
My uterus contracts and I push, my inflamed slit stretching the farthest yet. I don’t back down as the contraction ebbs, and I soon feel the excruciating pain of crowning. The top of the baby’s head wedges itself right between my lips, stretching them taut and wide. I feel spasms of pain zip through my whole body as I’m split apart, and I screech and quickly snap my legs shut, in turn pushing the baby back inside me.
“No, no, no! Babe, no!” Liam nearly yells, frantically grabbing my knees and pushing them back open. I fight with him to keep them closed, to grant the baby no passage, but his strong arms force them open and push them back. He firmly keeps my thighs apart during my next contraction and push.
“Splitting apart!” I insist as I push, fighting against my husband’s hands in a desperate attempt to squeeze my legs together and salvage my burning slit. I soon realize I am fighting a losing battle and give all my energy to bearing down, which leads to the even more painful full crown of the baby’s head. The head sits in my opening, out to the middle of the baby’s forehead. Liam quickly grabs the oil from the nightstand, lubricates his hands, and presses a hand on either side of the baby’s head. He rubs the oil on the tight skin of my vagina and applies counter pressure to my perineum. “Give me some small pushes, babe.”
My legs are shaking from the pain and exertion as I grab behind my knees and give a small push with a small grunt. I do this for a while until the baby is out to its eyes, at which point I shriek and plead with Liam not to let me tear.
“You’re not going to tear. I’m giving you some counter pressure on your perineum.” His hands are strong and warm against my perineum and it’s a bit soothing. He oils me again, and I’m so slick with oil that I’m convinced the baby will just slip out. Oil is dripping down from my labia into my ass.
I push again and he places his other hand firmly against my upper vulva, resting right on my clit. My hips buck a bit at the contact. “Not now!” I whine.
“Do you want to tear here?” He’s applying counter pressure as I push and I moan from the overstimulation.
“I want this huge thing out of me.”
“Then push.” His thumbs carefully push my labia back around the head and I moan in protest. Then I’m pushing and feeling the baby’s nose and mouth against my inner walls right before the entire head emerges. A rush of fluid splashes out behind the huge head and my body spasms in shock, my lips tightening around the baby’s neck.
Liam reaches inside me to check for the cord, then guides my hand down to our baby’s head. I see in the mirror that the head is huge and covered in curly dark hair. I bring my other hand down and cup the head as I push to birth the shoulders and body.
I give three hearty pushes to no avail. After the third, Liam brushes my hands away so he can grip the head and gently tug. The pressure in my hips is almost unbearable. “Stuck!” I cry out, wriggling my hips..
“Alright, big baby and small pelvis. We were expecting this.” Liam says, pushing a finger into me by the baby’s shoulder. I cry out as my hole is so sore, but I know that he desperately needs to get the baby out. He adjusts the baby slightly, removes his finger, and pushes my legs back by my feet. “Push. Hard,” He instructs me and I do as he says, anything to relieve the pressure in me. “Grab your ankles and pull back. We need you wide open.” I moan and obey, bearing down as hard as possible. Liam grips our baby’s head and pulls, really pulls, tugging the head back and forth to free the baby.
I’m exhausted and in so much pain that my vision starts to fade out. “Please pull it out! PLEASE! Pull it out of me!” I hear myself begging and screaming but to no avail. “Liam, get this out, please!”
He tugs hard, freeing a shoulder and then the second. I look in the mirror and see my vagina stretched obscenely around the baby’s stomach. I am still screaming and pleading with him to pull it out of me that I don’t realize when the entire baby slides out. My vagina is still spasming painfully and I’m rambling something like “Oh god, you pulled it out. You got it out of me. So much pain,” as he sets the baby on my chest.
“Say hello to our little boy.”
