i’m supposed to guide her in the right direction, invisibly, like a brunt wind. but i can never think of the right thing to say.
‘what if we live in a simulation, and all of this is a joke to somebody. none of it matters.’
we do live in a simulation, i said. none of it matters. that doesnt change anything.
‘okay. but what if we die in 20 years in a global disaster. from climate change.’
we will. who cares. hey, if it’s the end of the world, i promise i’ll relapse with you. you, me, muse, mae, georgina - we’ll all get together in a church basement, somewhere identical but different to the ones we hang out in now, and i’ll do lines right next to you. but it’s not 20 years from now.
‘okay. but we’re all gonna die. what about that. i’ve been thinking about it, and i should be maximizing fun rather than maximizing efficiency.’
you dont even know how to have fun, gracie. you told me that. you said ‘i dont know how to have fun, and i think of that as a problem for future gracie. present gracie is focused on getting work done.’ so get work done. this is work. not drinking and not doing coke is your work, and i’m telling you to get it done.
she really liked the thing about the party at the end of the world. she said if we can all have a party at the end of the world, i wont drink. okay. good enough.
i drove home listening to ‘teeth like god’s shoeshine.’
"I am not allowed much danger
Keep in line you're an old friend stranger.’
i keep in line, alright. i messed up again. i told paige i didn’t email forest back when she asked me about her cyberbully. i didnt want to upset her anymore. it upset her enough knowing an ex had emailed me and wasn’t already blocked. i just didnt think to block her gmail account. all i said was, ‘i think it was lester. i think he’s been bullying you probably for two years straight.’ i said it wasnt me, and it definitely wasn’t paige. i just wanted to clear our names.
we didn’t talk much before bed. i rolled over to a rush of images. i should take paige and leave the country. we could go to colombia and eat that garish orange fruit and drink flowery coffee and look at the craggy mountainside. i’d be a farmer, finally. i’d think of nothing but my hands, and every night i’d wash them carefully so i could touch her.
last night at AA i talked about how bad i was at making friends at my company. i was quiet most of the week, but when i did talk, i came out with something weird. i sat in my room for most of it, fiddling with the drapes, trying to let more sun in so i could feel illuminated and better.
i have people i’m responsible for. i have to look out for gracie, and i have to show paige the right way to be loved, and i have to build a world around her, and it has to be beautiful. i have to get my car inspected, and i have to call victoria back. i have to jump into the swelter of work and deadlines and approval processes and project management tools to keep the lights on in the apartment, and so i can buy paige the house of her dreams someday. a fireplace and a wrap around porch. a fireplace and a wrap around porch. i am drinking green tea and leaning forward into a saline focus that burns my nose hairs off.
gracie said ‘i just need to turn my brain off. how do you turn your brain off?’
i don’t. you dont actually need to. who told you you need to?