Lonely Lauren

20 y/o she/they

[dgstowe]

Anyways i've since started picking up photography to take my mind off the constant cycle of being ghosted. Think I misread signals from someone else too i'm literally worthless (mostly sarcasm)

[dgstowe]

They sent me a snap last night apologizing for doing it again, so i'm glad they dont like actually hate me lol

[dgstowe]

Back on the dating talk but I've been talking to this cute enby for like 10 days and on Saturday they were really busy so they like didnt respond to any of my snaps, but yesterday we talked about how that made me feel really bad and they said that in the future they'd warn me... I specifically said "i'd really appreciate that"

Anyways today they've not opened any of my snaps at all and it's been like 14 hours since the first one i sent... i'm kinda nearly in tears writing this bcz it's making me feel unwanted. I really like them, even though I dont know how to communicate that and i'm worrying that I ruined it by just not knowing.

[dgstowe]

Who up mac'n they cheese rn

[dgstowe]

Anyways its been a while so updates:

The lesbian coworker apparently has a boyfriend(?) Or is at least interested in a guy so ig she's my bi coworker now. Probably have no chance now tbh

I got ghosted by a guy I spent like all afternoon yesterday talking too so

[dgstowe]

I dreamt about her last night

Just about spending time with her, we would say the same things and laugh together

I hope she feels the same way

[dgstowe]

I kinda started thinking that she must have just been being nice, because I felt like she was like avoiding me recently.

But today like, even though we weren't really working close to each other it felt like she was laughing at jokes I was making a *lot.* She also complimented my little snowman earring randomly so like idek anymore

Maybe i'm just desperate and projecting? Maybe not? I wish she would ask me out or something

[dgstowe]

Well it's 2am again so ig time to make another depressed girl post

My brother recently went somewhere with friends that i'd have loved to see, but I wasn't invited. Not that he's obligated to bring his girlfail recluse ass sister but he said something like "we have to go to ____ sometime" when I was first hearing ab his plans. I'm glad he enjoyed himself, and he's doing really well with his life but I find myself comparing us (big mistake)

I feel great about my body since I started transitioning, but I feel like it has only pushed me further into isolation. Asking people to hang out seems unattainable and desperate. Not to mention valentines day is around the corner, it will be the 6th in a row that I've been single.

I'm terrified that I'm going to end up old lonely and bitter, or worse. But I feel like the ruts are too deep, theres too much mud and I can't steer out of them.

[dgstowe]

Okay big day at work for the "Lauren and work girl arc

She was there today and we got to work in the same area. I kept like having to walk away and spend a few minutes away, and BOTH times I did that she looked at me and mouthed "where were you" like she felt abandoned

We were like both joking and laughing all day - and she liked the lemon cookies I made as well

I really wish I knew how to ask to spend more time together, but I've kind of only been in one relationship ever and I was a whole different person back then

[dgstowe]

Anyways I was out driving around earlier and I remembered some more small interactions me and the girl who's actually my age have shared that made my heart flutter

I made a joke, which was pretty good apparently bcz me and her laughed for about 30 seconds "that one was really good" I remember her saying. I turned around about a minute and a half later and she was still smiling about it :)

She had mentioned she was going to go outside to smoke, which reminded me that I left my name tag in the back so I said: "Oh that reminds me that I left my name tag in the - ummmm" (blanked on the words I was thinking of, im not the best at being functional.) But she finished waht o was saying like "In the drive through? Yeah its still back there." I thanked her for "just knowing that off the top of your head" as she was walking away but it still made me happy

And one time, I *think* (and I cannot stress how much she could've finished the sentence and I just didnt hear it) she said something like "I need you." But I feel like that would be out of character for her tbh, she would probably say "I need you to hurry up" sarcastically... I still think about that one a lot

[dgstowe]

Anyways update on that lesbian I talked about

She told me last week that she had some earrings she found for me because they reminded her of me, and she specifically said "I cant wait to see you in your new earrings"

That made me flash back to some other passing comments, but I'm not gonna get specific. Today I was wearing the earrings, I like walked around a corner and saw her and she was like "oh there you are" and im in my head like "YOURE 16 YEARS OLDER THAN ME WTF"

She kept just like starting conversations with me though, and said I "looked nice in green," and started talking about my hair being curly. Like no shit, ive got curly hair... its always been curly?

Anyways there's this other lesbian at work who's actually in my age group, and is really funny and caring, and she came up to me llater and was like "she just cant stay away huh?"

She also was like "Lauren your hair is always pretty and curly" after the older one said that

[dgstowe]

Oh also I hate feeling like a spectacle, I think a lot of the way more performative allies try to support Trans people is just being as uncritical as possible.

Theres this like 36 year old lesbian at work who's constantly harping on and on about me being cute, (im paraphrasing but eh.) And it makes me not really want to talk to her - it feels patronizing almost. If you're nice, and normal, and willing to criticize me, I'll trust you more than I probably should

[dgstowe]

Hate my autism bcz I feel like, fundamentally differently socially than my peers... maybe its just that I never got much socialization as a kid, but people say weird shit to me and I want to say "why are you saying this to me?" Or something similar, but im also scared of being perceived as rude so i end up just stewing in my mind and not solving anything.

[dgstowe]

So idrk if its oblivious but im like mtf, and i'm super super anxious about using womens bathrooms, even though I've got b cups and am yk, a woman. But im realizing more and more when im in the men's bathroom at work the guys (especially if they're 35+) do at least a double take like 50% of the time. Today when I was washing my hands in there a man walked in, kinda made a shocked noise, and held the door open the whole time while I dried them. I couldn't really think of what to say so I just said "it happens all the time dont worry"

Last week I walked out of the men's bathroom, and walked past a mother leading her daughter to the bathroom. The daughter saw me, and nearly walked into the men's room. Luckily her mom noticed, I heard her saying "she was probably just checking something in there" as I was walking away.

Feels like maybe using the men's room is becoming more and more far fetched... but i honestly dont know how I should get past my feelings of needed invited into "women's" spaces

[dgstowe]

I was halfway through a post about how life may look up in the future and then my mandolin fell over, knocking over a very sentimental cup. In cleaning up the glass my dog decided he was going to sniff the shards which led to me hollering "you can't sniff the pile of broken glass" after he growled at me (I surprised him by accident.) This led to my mom yelling "just let him down here [full government name] - or, Lauren... Just let him down here.

Fuck and then when I was crying as I walked past her she was talking like it was the cup making me cry.

[dgstowe]

I was at work today after a week and a half off - and I was chatting with one if my managers about my aunt and my arguments on Facebook, which was mostly about her not respecting me enough to see my side of being trans (I wanted to die b4)

And basically my manager said something like "i have my own opinions, but if someone I care about asks to be called something else I will" which is sentimentally okay I *guess,* you should respect trans ppls identity, obviously. I just dont like the implication that your respecting trans identity is if you care about someone.

Anyways she dead named me not an hour later so

[dgstowe]

When I look in the mirror I see myself now. Even my own family still calls me he sometimes. I don't know how, I see a girl almost every time I look in a mirror.

It makes me feel like I'm the one who's wrong. Like the person I see in the mirror is merely my mind showing me who I want to see. It makes me feel like every person I talk to every day at work, everyone who is nice and accepting is just playing a part.

It's also not my family btw. For ~ 3 months ive had my name changed at work, and yet in the past 7 days I have heard my old shortened name twice. I hate existing socially. I wish I could just stay inside all day without becoming sad and lonely (ive tried)