I just finished The Omega's Pack and wanted to just congratulate you on all that group sex! You made it feel so effortless and I'm sure it took a lot to choreograph and not make it all super confusing, haha. I just wanted to ask- do you have any links or advice on writing sex for someone who is ace? I struggle a lot with character a does x and then character reacts etc etc structure where it just ends up sounding like a bland shopping list void of sexual attraction and emotion. :/
Thank you so much! I do sometimes enjoy the challenge of multi-partner sex choreography, it makes it such a fun physical puzzle, and I’m glad it worked for you! :D
1. As for how to write sex scenes while being asexual… given the above, I assume you do enjoy reading (at least some) sex scenes, so–as with any other kind of writing that you find technically challenging, because sex scenes are really not mystically different from any other part of writing, I promise–the best way to learn to do it is to read it, and to look carefully at examples that you enjoy. Map out sex scenes that you consider successful/enjoyable/hot/etc. in as much detail as you need to–look at where the author talks about sensation, emotion, attraction, etc., and try to find a pattern that you can imitate.
2. For better and more thorough advice, check out @resonant8-blog‘s How to Write a Sex Scene (I find part 2, about finding the “zing” in a scene, particularly helpful).
3. Accept that sometimes it just sounds like a weird boring list of actions because that is how one’s own writing sounds when you’re having difficulty with it. This is actually not a uniquely asexual-writer-writing-a-sex-scene affliction: this happens to literally everybody writing sex scenes at least some of the time.
The most important thing I ever figured out in writing sex scenes is that there is no way to make sexiness be inherent in the words. Sexiness happens in the reader’s brain, and when you are focused on making the words, getting the sexiness to happen in your own brain is like trying to tickle yourself. It’s probably not going to happen.
But if you have set up characters and a situation and activities that a reader is going to find sexy, the sexiness will happen in their brain when they read it even if your words aren’t perfect, so just try to describe it clearly (including sensations/emotions/attraction, where applicable) and get out of the way.
And if in doubt, find someone to test-read it for you, and ask them to tell you honestly if at some point they found it mechanical or boring; if they did, you can work on fixing the scene, because, again, a sex scene is like any other kind of writing: it is not magic, it is not dependent on your own sexual experience any more than writing fight scenes requires you to be a black belt, and you will only get better at writing it through practice and feedback.
For me, writing sex scenes as an ace person got a lot easier when I realized that I’m ace, and that there was a reason why I didn’t really want to connect what I was writing with my own experiences or my own body. When I stopped flinching from that, writing sex just turned out to be fun, like any other intense/dramatic encounter between characters. So if all else fails, embrace that you are writing characters doing an exciting and enjoyable thing that you don’t innately understand, and just, you know, run with it. :D
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