Diary Of The USWNT

The unofficial journal entries of the United States Women's National Team.

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Surprise. I'm pregnant.

Alex

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, I don't normally like to get into team politics, but as a co-captain, it's hard not to. In other words, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JILL, YOU'VE LEFT ME ALONE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE AND ALSO KELLEY? SERIOUSLY? YOU LEFT ME WITH KELLEY?! Ok, remember what Hope told you. Deep breaths, Rebecca. In and out. Deep breaths.

-Becky

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Long time no see! It's been hard keeping track of you over the last few crazy months...turns out you got lost among all the boxes of my new books. Oh, did I tell you? My new book came out. Yea, the one I wrote. I'll sign a copy for you, it's a great read! Should be on the best sellers list any moment now.

-Carli

[uswnt-ko5]

Be a good person. 

[make-better-mistakes-tomorrow]

Honestly if I was from Brazil I would have booed her too. Zika is serious and I would be pissed that she was making any kind of jokes about that. She’s a big girl and she can handle it, players get booed all the time in soccer, she’ll get over it.

[diaryoftheuswnt]

So the fans chanting "Zikaaaaa" as a means of "playful banter" isn't a joke? And it's one thing to be booed at once, but for the *entire* game? That's just straight down being rude.

[uswnt-ko5]

Be a good person. 

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Today I put birthday cake in my recovery smoothie. I love camp in July.

-Moe

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Happy Carli Lloyd Day! …wait, what? What do you mean July 5 isn’t my national holiday yet?

Carli

[uswnt-ko5]

Oh…oh my…OH MY MESSIII—oh, uh…I mean…c'mon bOyyyYs!!!!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

USWNT, during USAvARG (via uswnt-ko5)

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Word on the street is that Hope's running for office soon, so I think this is the perfect time to announce that I will be running for VP right by her side. Hope and Carli 2k20!

-Carli

[uswnt-ko5]

In life, sometimes I’m so happy that I think I might explode.

Kelley O'Hara (via uswnt-ko5)

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Whenever March ends and April rolls around, everyone begins to avoid me like the plague. It's weird and it happens every year and I just really want to know why I don't have friends today.

-KO

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, I don't know what's worse- Carli nonstop singing "Rain, rain go away, Carli Lloyd just wants to play" or the fact that I'm soaked because Kelley "accidentally" took my umbrella.

-Hope

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Kelley: I’d like to take this opportunity to have a moment of silence for Hope’s early 2000s wardrobe. 

Hope: Look who’s talking, Miss Socks n’ Sandals! 

Alex: Ash and I kill the red carpet. I’ll give Press second place. 

Moe: I think we can all agree on the fact that Kling needs a new hair dresser. You never know who’s going to show up to practice: Justin Bieber or Joan Jett. 

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Tobin: Yes 

Ash: I prefer Skittles 

Kelley: Sure why not? 

Carli: What kind of questions are these? 

Kling: Why are they called Swedish Fish? 

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, Kling's not the only one around here who's got jokes. What do you get when you combine NWSL preseason and pi day? PRIDE DAY!

Ash

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Dear Diary, No one appreciates my jokes as much as I think they should, but I know you do. So here's another punny I came up with today: You'd have to be IRRATIONAL not to celebrate pi day AND the NWSL preseason.

-Kling

[diaryoftheuswnt]

Moe: I ate my weight in macarons. 

ARod: I got pregnant. 

Syd: I also got pregnant. 

Tobin: I’ve cried myself to sleep every night ever since. 

Abby: I decided to retire.