Diary of Zhen

My brain has 47 tabs open and none of them make sense to "normal" people. A safe spot for introverted, autistic, and beautifully awkward people.

[diaryofzhen]

"Weird" Girl.zip

[ Zhenya - '04 - Indonesia - Arki Student ]

The Basics:

Identity: Autistic, weird, and introverted.

Social Battery: Usually at 35% IRL.

Communication Style: Better at typing than talking.

Likes:

Reading fanfic (dark or just romance, and 'x reader' type).

Watching movies and series.

Loud music.

Rain (not heavy ones, not w thunder too).

Not being a point of attraction.

Dislikes:

Unexpected phone calls.

Getting stared (both in a long or short time).

Being told to "come out of my shell".

Boys sitting and standing close to me.

Loud noises.

Why I Blog:

This is my digital diary, a place for me to be loud since I’m usually so quiet outside. Thank you for stopping by <3

What I Discusses:

Any stuff when the world built for loud people as an autistic and introverted person.

Drown the stigma of being 'weird' and silent.

Diving into gender equality and intersection of identity.

Communication Guides:

DMs: I’m open to sharing experiences and genuine questions. Please just skip “Hello/Hi” or “How’s life?” let’s jumps straight into the topic!

Debate Policy: So happy to discuss about gender equality and social issues, but I don’t wanna see hate speech or invalidation of my identity.

Ask Box: Anonymous are very welcome, just stay respectful. Rude and pushy stuffs will be gone without reply.

My Tags:

#ZhenList [just a masterlist of what I discussed so far]

#ZhenTalks [serious deep talk session about gender equality and social issues]

#ZhenVent [my vent about any general topic]

#ZhenArki [talking about college stuff, like my struggle and project]

#ZhenComfort [my quiet moments]

#ZhenAnswered [me answering your Ask Box chat]

#LongRead [diary entries that are TOO loud (long)]

DISCLAIMER: This blog is a safe place for marginalised voices, because I’m talking based on my experiences. My ‘weirdness’ is just me being me.

Divider credit: @uzmacchiato

[diaryofzhen]

They Said "I’m Weird" with Their Eyes

Dear G and all my beloved fellow oddballs out there. . .

Today, on this sunny day in Indonesia, the quiet morning is still rather silent. I’m sitting in the living room, awaiting my online class that starts at 8, amidst the loud sounds of someone breaking stone and a couple of motorcycles passing by on the small road in front of my house.

Since yesterday, I have been unable to shake my thought of G, an online friend of mine from Mexico. He mentioned that many people at college looked at him "weirdly" for a few reasons. He enjoys wearing all-black outfits and a jacket even in hot weather, reading on the subway (he mentioned the name of it, but I can’t recall what it’s called), and having long hair.

I mean, what’s the problem with that?

NOTHING.

But, that's not what I'm trying to say here.

I want to talk about how he felt and thought about the issue. He told me he didn't like being stared at because of those, which I already told him not to care about; they might be jealous of him (his fashion style isn't that bad, which I've seen and agreed with). It's hard for him to get over it because his self-esteem is low and he thinks he's different in a bad way, which might not be true. In fact, it could be the opposite.

Being stared at is not very cool; I feel him.

I had my own phase of that—a similar reason about fashion—always thought that my failed mismatched clothes and colors aren't matching, also my style doesn't look like the rest; it is me looking weird as fuck.

A thing I remembered, like the stinky gum that was attached under a table, was when I was in senior high. This Halal Bi Halal is an event after Eid Al-Fitr when we go back to school after the holiday. The school letter said, 'Wear something free yet respectful; no jeans,' blah, blah, blah… I come to the school, feeling happy and very comfy wearing my abaya.

Then I sat at my desk, still living in my own peace, until the shitty guy named Daffa broke the silence by barking like a dog, “I didn’t know this was a Ramadan event!”

Yeah, you can guess, his minions and he were laughing like poor bitches that got jealous when they saw a diva get hit on by a rich and handsome guy. In that moment, my irrational annoyance with him—beyond just his ugly, weird face and big mouth—only fueled my growing hatred for him.

And second time, in the same day. I'm walking with my friends toward the school canteen when a girl, a friend I knew from junior high, stares at me and says, “Zhenya, why are you wearing that?” I look at her. She is wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt layered with a blouse, then answered, “I have no more clothes,” with a shrug—clearly a lie I had told before as a way to please others. Her friend nudged her and shot her a glare; I thought she might want to stand up for me, but instead, she looked at me with disgust after that.

Yeah, don’t hope in people.

Peace out,

Me

Divider credit: @uzmacchiato

[melaanchol1c]

“and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

𐔌 . ⋮ welcome 2 my blog .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

༘⋆🍎🥧💭 ⋆˙

𐔌՞. .՞𐦯 about me .ᐟ

‧₊˚ i’m mela! you can also call me apple 🍎

‧₊˚ i like red, can you tell?

‧₊˚ i luv animals!! esp bunnies, kitties, and puppies

‧₊˚ she/they, bisexual

‧₊˚ i’m 17! adults interacting w me are fine, just pls don't be weird TT

‧₊˚ very new to girlblogging … open 2 making new friends!

𐔌՞. .՞𐦯 interests .ᐟ

‧₊˚ painting, peonies, pokemon, cats, bunnies, music, movies, shows, coffee, cooking, sharing my thoughts & feelings ᝰ.ᐟ

｡𖦹°‧ artists & bands .ᐟ

‧₊˚ the smiths, the marias, oasis, beabadoobee, grentperez, malcolm todd, mac demarco, deftones, paramore, rae sremmurd, strawberry guy, blondshell, the warning … many many more!

｡𖦹°‧ shows & movies .ᐟ

‧₊˚ invincible, the perks of being a wallflower, dead poets society, euphoria, anne with an e, flipped, 27 dresses, mamma mia, five feet apart, call me by your name, girl, interrupted, gilmore girls, house, m.d., interstellar, takt op destiny, attack on titan, every studio ghibli film, hyouka, horimiya, from me to you … many many more!

𐔌՞. .՞𐦯 dni .ᐟ

‧₊˚ homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, maga, etc— hateful ppl aren't welcome here

𐔌՞. .՞𐦯 tags .ᐟ

‧₊˚ #mela is talking - for posts and thoughts

‧₊˚ #applecholic - for thoughts i post when i feel sad, or melancholic

‧₊˚ #mela's life - for school and real-life related posts

‧₊˚ #apple answers you - for asks

‧₊˚ #mela paints - for painting and art

⋆˚꩜｡🍎༘⋆˚.✮🧃ᵎᵎ

[wehidthebody]

[diaryofzhen]

Friends are not everything.

Dear old Zhenya,

You should've been listening to your mum when she said, 'friends are not everything.' I know when you were in senior high, you felt amazing—the first time you got to understand, be seen, be loved, be heard, and belong—when the rest of your life was just being dust or a mere shadow.

You should've understood the full context and the meaning, instead of ignoring your mom's words.

Those words didn't mean that you shouldn't have friends or that she wanted you to stay with no friends forever. It's just... you've been ignoring family and choose to make your friendship a priority.

But, thanks for that. I now learnt the meaning of that sentence in a hard way.

Remember the meme that says, 'friENDship'???

Yep, that's what happened recently to me. The five years of friendship ended over the simplest thing when you thought that they understood you.

Now, you make me feel like a fool every time I get the flashback—of Mom's words, the friendship, and its ending.

With a ton of disappointment,

Me.

Divider credit: @uzmacchiato