every girl who loved Ariana Grande growing up is now a pink sparkle glitter girlblogger who also loves Lana Del Rey
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every girl who loved Ariana Grande growing up is now a pink sparkle glitter girlblogger who also loves Lana Del Rey
growing up
i've been wondering these days if i made the right choice at leaving, because i always feel when i leave that i leave you. and it's settling in my chest, as days pass by, the discomfort and heaviness. it makes me sad, it makes me mop around and wonder if all of this—my studies and relationship—are actually important.
when i'm with you, routine gets so predictable i bore 'til death, and somehow you trained me to be aware of your steps, sighs, hummings, and also you never made me settle for the comfortableness and i always reach for the hard and the discomfort and the movement.
and if i think about it, this discomfort i have in my chest when i leave, it's only comparable to the feeling of when you left, and i stayed alone those nights, wanting to be with you. maybe i see you in my reflection now, because i'm the one having to leave—but you left first.
my chest always tightens to the thought that, perhaps, we're not made to be apart, but i'm certain we're not meant to be together, either. i guess that's how growing up feels like for everyone.
It's kind of bad but I wanted to get this idea down. Having a drawing done of a child wearing makeup out of makeup. I also wanted to make the makeup slightly smudged and messy to try to portray the sadness that comes with the compassion in social media and how that affects children. I see so many little girls now make "get ready with me"-s with retinol treatments and heavy makeup and the fact a child feels they need that is sad.
*while in my teens*: i need to not be who i was at 12. i need to be better. cooler. i need to figure out what i want.
*while in my twenty's*: i need to be who i was at 12. that kid was cool. she knew what she wanted.
What I learned this year after all the shit that happened to me:
1. Don't expect anything from men! (or anyone).
2. Your happiness should only come from yourself, not from other people.
3. People will disappoint you. That's life.
4. Closure isn't something other people give you.
5. Protecting your peace isn't selfish!!!
6. You can't force people to choose you, even if they clearly act like they want to.
7. Being alone is better than feeling alone around the wrong people.
8. Everything passes, even when it feels like it won't.
9. Everything happens for a reason.
10. Love yourself the way you kept begging other people to love you!!!!!
I feel like an angel lost its wings. Or like those stories, like in Peter Pan, I haven't grown up, but my friend did. There's something wonderful about being in a place where you can't be your real self, but knowing that you can be your real self in the future. In a: eventually way. In a: I'll keep holding out. But I know who I will be, I see the semblance, the mode and vague shape of what kind of person I will be, though not all the details are clear. I found out a few weeks ago that my friend's sibling stopped drawing. I was really devastated finding that out. She worked so hard on her art. She was into video games and had her own OC and I loved that character's design and backstory. I tried searching her user up here on Tumblr, as I remember it vividly, but I just couldn't find her account. I'm finally feeling happy, motivated, and like I have direction. I don't know where exactly I'll end up but I know that there's something pushing me to go 'move' in a certain way. Like a compass. And now that I'm slowly gettting control over my life, I wanted to reach out and connect. I haven't seen this friend since 2021 or 2022. But she was seriously someone I looked up to, wanted to be like, and she made such amazing memories for me. Me, my little brother, her, and her siblings would play games like FNAF and friday night funkin, all taking turns on her one computer that was connected to the TV. I'd talk to her about my favorite artists. And now, I've survived my family and I'm almost out of here but its like I'm alive, but the person I knew... isn't. We're in two seperate worlds and I'm just so sad because of the news I've been told. Why did she stop drawing? I wouldn't even mind actually finding the reason but it just sucks that there was a reason in the first place. It makes me feel really sad for her and I do hope she'll return to drawing again; one day but again I'm really sad.
Two words - Big. Wheels. Basically a plastic lowrider trike. Even the wheels were plastic. Great for doing stunts. Didn't last long. After so much braking down paved roads the wheels would get flat spots. And then you would go Clunk clUNk CLunK down the road. Until you couldn't ride it anymore.
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Remember going outside on Christmas morning to show off your sweet swag to the neighborhood. Super cool RC cars. Power Wheels. The latest cool action figure set. Yeah. That wasn't me. I got mostly clothes. As a matter of fact the first gift that I can ever remember opening was a pair of pajamas.
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