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@dickhazard
this dumpster fire has been brought to you by mal
Me making OCs
INTRODUCTION/ICEBREAKER STARTER - Feel free to change pronouns, e.t.c.
“Allow me to introduce myself, my name is…”
“A new face, eh? Haven’t seen one of those in a while.”
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but notice that you are crying. May I offer you a tissue?”
“Do you know any good cafes in the area?”
“No, we haven’t met before. I must just have one of those faces, I suppose.”
“That looks heavy - need a hand?”
“Why don’t you want to tell me your name?”
“Hey! You can’t be in here!”
“I seem to be low on cash… Would you mind sharing a taxi with me?”
“What are you staring at?”
“Would you mind sharing your umbrella with me? I forgot mine at home.”
“Excuse me!”
“Please don’t stand on that!”
“I love your sweater, would you mind telling me where you got it?”
“I know we barely know eachother, but I… I could really use some company right now.”
“Get out of my way!”
“Would you mind removing your arm? You are blocking my armrest.”
“Excuse me, have you seen this dog?”
“I think you dropped this.”
“Is this seat taken?”
“No, I’m *Name here*. I think you are mistaking me for someone else.”
“I wouldn’t mind some company, I don’t know anyone here.”
“May I borrow your phone?”
“Could you help me with this?”
“I need a stranger’s honest opinion… Which one of these dresses look best on me?”
@stringedfangs
━ It isn’t as simple as a tinfoil hat. It’s a whole ass tinfoil cocoon! Dick is sitting wrapped in layers of aluminum and he looks pissed. He’s holding a sign in his hands, which reads in plain scrawl:
THEY’RE FUCKING HERE, MAN
What is this, and who’s here? And what is this man doing on the sidewalk looking like a knockoff comic book character? It’s hard to tell. Beneath all that FOIL there is a man, for sure, who is wearing a cowboy hat. The outline of the cowboy hat is very evident. “They’re here,” he grumbles. “God damn it, I wish they WEREN’T!”
@daevilhorns
━ Bad news. Bad news indeed! He has his tiniest hat on, so he must be in mourning. In his hands he cradles something, but what is it? You can take a closer look. It’s a FROG. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s making noise and seems lively and cheerful. Dick gently places God’s creature on the lawn after he blesses it with a gentle kiss atop its brow. “Go on, get out of here! Get!” he cries mournfully. “Go on, you stupid animal! You’re free now!” But wait, what’s this? He’s not looking at the frog... He’s looking at YOU.
well the horrors may be beyond YOUR comprehension, but I comprehend them perfectly
lines from 2021 that made me lose my mind
literally lines of dialogue from social media and movies and books and series that have made me laugh so hard i cried during this wild little year of ours!
" you are so intelligent. why do you do such stupid things? "
" we got the gouda governor over here! "
" you're my hoe. my heaven on earth. "
" well, here's another story about my kids roasting the SHIT out of me. "
" you beautiful savage. "
" cell phones on silent, and shut your fucking mouth. the show is about to begin. "
" you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. "
" 100% getting your dick sucked for that. "
" you were so close to a revolutionary thesis and then you betrayed me and every citizen of good standing. "
" every night i say good night to you, and every night you never say it back. what's the problem, NAME? do you not want me to have a good night? "
" that wasn't a cookie, man! that was a piece of his heart... "
" i'm just gonna say this; i find that arousing, and let's move on. "
" do you know how hard it is to be tough when you're holding a pink cupcake holder in your hand? "
" no, we can still salvage this. put on the mcdonalds uniform. "
" why don't you spend more time with bruce springsteen and find out how fucked up you are? "
" if his dick kills me, do NOT prosecute him! he caught ME slipping, that's on ME! "
" i feel uncomfortable around tall people, what if they try to lick my head? "
" there are at least three houses in new orleans. "
" WRONG! i'm right here, you fucking BRUSSEL sprout. "
" my heart was murdered by the word "from". nobody says "i from you". "
" i'd like to go on record as being opposed to the use of violence being used for purposes of conflict resolution, however-- "
" he may be a perv, but that's my dad. "
" hangers are for sunday school clothes. bring me a rock! "
" that goes in the buttbank. "
" i like you. you know how to laugh. "
" i'm pretty sure it's not supposed to do that. are your parents pelicans or something? "
" are you sure you're out of granddaughters? can you check in the back or something? "
" where's your fucking rage? where's your anger? RISE! RISE! RISE! "
" well, i don't know how to tell you this, but he went on a homoerotic voyage to the most dangerous place on earth. "
" the old heads do it right, you young bucks don't know. "
" you just called me a bitch? well bitch means dog, and dogs bark, and bark is from trees, and trees are part of nature, and nature is beautiful, so thank you for calling me beautiful! "
" no, no, no, no. i'm just drunk... aAHHHHHH! "
" i hope... that i do not live to see this. "
" no, don't embarrass yourself. i love you though. "
" you mean there's some kind of new pokemon called THERAPY?? "
" i'd kick a child in the face, for a piece of pizza like that, okay? "
" from the womb to the tomb, exhausted. "
" checkmate, boomers, we made it gay. "
" you want me to go to a meeting? the same thing that killed julius caesar? "
" this is the ass of a FAILURE! "
" it's officially none of your damn business, sir/ma'am! "
" you look divorced. "
" it's under the sauce. "
" get off the bus, you ugly bastard. "
" i want someone to see in me the same possibilities that ocean spray saw in cranberries. "
" i still love sharks! "
" i have avoided explaining this for over 25 years. i am not going to start doing it now. "
" in home alone 2 the dad screams bloody murder because kevin spent $967 on room service but he also abandoned his son twice so maybe time to shut the fuck up? "
" get out of there, he's a priest. "
" oh my god they were loot mates. "
taezr:
🗲 IF DANNY HAD the wherewithal to be irate, he might have found this guy to be obnoxious. By the blessings of his own alcoholism, he was five drinks in and while the approach took him by surprise, he was ultimately delighted. Since he turned thirty, he had seen the amount of drinks he would get at Barracuda dwindle. A gay bar full of twinks, and twinks get the drinks, as was known. There were days he would get all the attention, long gone, and he missed it. After all, almost everything he did was motivated by his need to be acknowledged. “I’m Danny,” he responded, dazzled.
The man in front of him seemed atrocious in all the right ways. Gathering his elbows beneath him and resting his chin on his hands, he downed the margarita as soon as it arrived. Yes, it took him no longer than ten seconds after it had been placed in front of him for him to just gulp it all the way down. To some it was impressive, to others it was horrible. “What’s yours? You look like a…” He paused, tilting his head. “Ted? Earl?” A solid blink. “Or something.” 🗲
━ If you looked away, and then looked back, you can see that now he’s wearing a smaller hat. That’s right, it was a normal sized hat moments ago, and now there’s a little one in its place. When did he switch it? No one knows. Dick watches Danny guzzle the margarita and he’s impressed. “You’re wrong, my friend, incorrect in all ways. I’m Dick Hazard, but you can call me...” He doesn’t say anything else, letting the anticipation build until he literally spits out “DICK”. “Another margarita over here, fruity as ever!” He calls to the bartender. “You can really drink, pal, you can really put it away.” Dick has the energy of a trickster fae, but is he one? Probably. Or probably not. “Tell me, my first wave friendo, what brings you to a place like this? Gay sex? Alcoholism? The drag shows? The fact that it’s named after a fish? A BIG draw.”
INCORRECT QUOTES GENERATOR STARTERS.
“i am going to defeat you with the power of friendship!”
“goodnight moon, goodnight tree. goodnight ghosts only i can see.”
“you think i really give a fuck? i can’t even read!”
“you wanna see how hardcore i am?” *punches wall* “… take me to the hospital?”
“if you can’t beat them, dress better than them.”
“i’ve come to a point in my life where i need a stronger word than fuck.”
“i identify as a fucking threat.”
“so apparently the ‘bad vibes’ i’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.”
“i was born for politics. i have great hair and i love lying.”
“all these ghosts and i still can’t find a boo. “
“fool me once, i’m gonna kill you.”
“with great power comes a great need to take a nap. wake me up later.”
“ha! nice try, jackass. next time give it your a game.”
“you seem familar. have i threatened you before?”
“you’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens. but i made a mistake.”
“some of you may die. but that’s a sacrifice i’m willing to make.”
“you can de-escalate any situation by saying ‘are we about to kiss?’”
“oh no… (muse name) in b - flat. you’re disappointed.”
“my face is on fire!”
“i became more evil if you’re curious.”
“i slept for almost twelve hours. but i might still be tired. let’s go for twelve more just incase.”
“are you okay with constructive criticism? i don’t want to sound mean.”
“violence isn’t the answer. violence is the question. the answer is yes.”
“three words, say them and i’m yours.”
“i have a black belt. not in karate. it’s gucci.”
“in light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.”
“why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?”
“i’m ten times funnier and sexier than you.”
“you have to acceot that swear words are necessary sometimes.”
“it’s dark in here.”
“i prevented a murder today, using the power of self control.”
“is letting someone win in chess sapiosexual bottoming?”
“don’t worry, i have a few knives up my sleeve.”
“good morning. what the fuck is wrong with you?”
@taezr
━ “You have the gayest haircut.” Someone could say the same about him. “I like the pink though. Suits you lots. Got that first wave new wave eighties synthfucker vibe.” It’s a compliment, actually. “I’ll tell you what.” He touches his nose like he’s Santa Claus about to ascend a chimney. “I’m going to buy you a drink, sir, yes sir.” He raises a finger and calls to the bartender. “The fruitiest margarita you can make, pal! For my new friend, here.” He sniffs. “You look like a Dale or a Dave. What’s your name, buddy?”
@sleazygoing
━ “You know... They say you can tell a man’s worth by the hat he wears, and that’s a mighty fine hat you have there, my friend. It’s got energy. BIG energy. Big, swinging dong energy.” Dick tips his own hat as a howdy-do. He isn’t a cowboy but he carries himself like one, and he has spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle. “A mighty, mighty fine hat.” Is it an attempt to embarrass? Here, and so loud, in the middle of the McDonald’s fast food establishment? Or is it a friendly gesture? Nothing betrays any true intent. You are left to guess.
Dick could have been a Rich or a Rick but one fine summer’s day in the early 2000s, he turned to his mother while drinking lemonade and told her he decided he was going to be a Dick. She cried.