After a week and a half of leaving of finally leaving rpc I feel so free now. No hiatuses or breaks, just straight up leaving it.
I just want vent out how I felt during my time of the last 3 years of doing it. It wasn’t fun anymore, it felt like a 9 to 5 job I wasn’t even getting paid for.
Constantly I would rest due to pain of being in a office chair all the time, I have fibromyalgia, knee issues and my bones age faster than they’re supposed to since I was a kid. I’m constantly taking pain pills and sleeping. In addition, I had anxiety and depression issues that I haven’t been treated for since my mom passed away which they just grew worsing after to her passing. But I constantly would put my own health aside, I don’t know why I did. Why did I put myself through that just to be miserable?
I had no spirit for it for years, yet I kept carrying on with it. I feel like somewhere in me deluded myself into believing if I kept doing it, I would enjoy it again. Go back to a time where I felt like a full person again. But I never did and knew I never would if I kept going like this. I realized how much I use to do that I simply stopped doing. I use to watch shows more often, but stopped doing it unless I was with my boyfriend. Because I feel like I couldn’t do it unless I was with someone like my mom. Certain foods I just stopped eating even if they were my favorite dishes, because it reminded me of my mother. I stopped going to the other half of the house less and less unless I needed to talk to my dad. My life was became bleaker and bleaker, and finally I decided it couldn’t keep going like this.
When I told my boyfriend, I stopped role playing for good. He didn’t seem surprised. He told me, he was wondering when I’m gonna get tired of it. It wasn’t in a condescending way though. He said that he could just tell I didn’t enjoy it by the way I talked about it, but figured it had to be a reason why I kept going so never wanted to force me to stop himself. He was worried about my stress with it for a long time.
My role playing was becoming more empty as well. I constantly went on hiatuses, my quality became worst, I would take so long with replies because I simply didn’t want to be online, then I would put them my queue and just rush em out like a UPS worker. I would do certain ones before others, but some felt easier to do and I wanted to look like I was actually doing something on my blog. Like a worker that just playing solitaire and then last minute reports so their boss don’t find it. I kept remaking my blogs as if that would magically make everything better.
But now, for a long time I feel alive again. Not with my boyfriend or someone with me to make me feel happy. Me making myself feel that way.
