I Said What I Said

♪♫♬Put some wax on the track and slide on outta here!♪♫♬ welcome to the stream of consciousness. 40.In Love. dogs. music. radio. DJing... General malaise.

[digitaltendernesss]

Alright well I’ve processed the hard news about the dog as best I can. I am still very devastated. I’ll cry as I write this. It’s an inoperable tumor that grew pretty fast over the last few weeks, on his butt, slightly under the tail and to the right of his butthole. Vet thinks even if it isn’t cancer (but likely it is bc of rate of growth), she doesn’t want to put him through that kind of surgery at his age and location. Too close to bowels. Would be such a hard recovery for him. Too hard to poop, stitches could rupture, etc etc. No quality of life worth it.

Sooo he may have 3-6 months left. And we wanna give him that time as he is, not in pain. It’s the humane thing but it’s ripping my heart in two and I’m not going to be okay for a long time.

Today is also my mom’s birthday, she would’ve been 72. so on top of the dog news it’s already a hard grief day for me.

On top of mom grief and dog news grief, dad also had a follow up with a doc today for a prostate exam. Bloodwork and urinalysis done. Needs an MRI in the next two weeks to see how enlarged it actually is and what course of action needs to happen next. He’s not acting all that concerned and I also know prostate stuff has come a long way in the last 30 years and it’ll prob be fine but I just lost a parent last year so sorry not sorry to be the concerned one here.

On top of all THAT I’ve been cramping and pmsing for five days so far, yet haven’t bled yet which is always maddening.

After his doc appt, Dad and I went to the cemetery and I brought some day lilies from our backyard for her. Two purples, one red, one peach, one pink. Then I bought my dad brunch at a fancy suburban place that my mom raved about even though we only went the one time before she passed.

Came home finished work stuff and binged the first 3 episodes of the new Big Brother season bc I needed something stupid and that’s the reality trash show I look forward to every summer.

So yeah. Life is unfair. Losing my ma last year. Prob losing my dog this year. 💔

[record-guy59]

[digitaltendernesss]

Husband got me a gift to make me smile

[digitaltendernesss]

Owen has a bump on his butt that is concerning. It’s like golf ball sized. It sprung up pretty quickly because I gave him a bath like three weeks ago and it was not like that. And I’ve been touching him a lot and inspecting him ever since he had two ticks already this summer. For maybe two months we have noticed he is having a harder time popping but he’s 9.5 so I chocked it up to old age and stress of the new puppy. Anyway, we made a vet appointment the other day, and the earliest they had was 7/24.

Except that they called yesterday saying someone cancelled and he can get in today. Which yes I’m so grateful he doesn’t have to wait another week!

Except I can’t go, bc tuesdays are my city work days and too short notice to change days with my boss…. so my dad is taking him in at 11. If this requires subsequent vet appointments I’ll take off work to be with him.

I hate that I can’t be there today though.

Very much hoping it is a thing they can lance and drain, or like a swollen anal gland they can just “express” for him …and not some kind of crazy tumor that costs enough for us to have to consider letting him live comfortably for as long as he can and then make decision of putting him down.

I can’t lose my boy yet. Please please. 🙏

———————

Ok well I just reopened tumblr to see this did not post earlier.

And we found out it’s bad news.

And I can’t bring myself to write about it yet. 😩💔

[justseventeen]

August 1987. ‘Tune in. Turn on.’

[digitaltendernesss]

Really hoping we get nice weather two weekends from now because… we’re going to see cypress hill and limp bizkit with our old roommate and her husband and it’s going to be fun and dumb and hilarious and I don’t want it to be a rainy mess ok universe?! Please. 🙏

[digitaltendernesss]

Husband is camping this weekend. I didn’t go bc I had a gig yesterday and I didn’t wanna have to drive myself up there today on the holiday just to camp one night.

Gig went ok. Got poured on moving my car after load in and basically waded through a flood to get out of my car and back to venue. Had a computer glitch about a half hour from the end, and sound died but I got it back up in about 1 and a half songs. Brides were super cool about it and even beat me to a thank you email this morning!

Took my day job computer to Best Buy who quoted me $200 and 2.5 weeks to fix the hinge/outer housing issue… didn’t do it. Went down the street to a run down strip mall cell phone repair store, and the dude there starts taking it apart immediately and says come back tomorrow he will have it done. I didn’t ask how much but the time saver alone and that he was open on the holiday ( dude was middle eastern guy, sitting around watching World Cup with some buddies), so long as it works and isn’t falling apart anymore I’ll gladly pay him $200 but I’m guessing it’ll be cheaper. Would rather support his small business over Best Buy anyway.

Also before the thunderstorm started i went to the cemetery to visit mom.

Then dad made us dinner. Wanted to do a grill but that got rained out so we used the cast iron. Watched Project Hail Mary together. Then I did the dishes since he cooked.

Poor dog is not happy. The loud thunderstorms (two days in a row) and now all the fireworks. It feels terrible to be honest. I thought it may be quieter in the burbs than when we lived in the city but nope. It’s just as terrible. I don’t remember it being so loud here as a kid. I feel ya dawg. I can’t relax either.

Fourth of July is only fun til you’re a teenager then it’s just dumb and unsettling for the rest of your life.

I really don’t know how people can celebrate with all the horrible things going on because of us or what we’re complicit in. You feel this anxiety without it actually being a threat on your life. Now imagine knowing hearing these noises means you could be blown to smithereens at any moment. For yeeeeears of your life. We’re so so so lucky wars hit our wallets here and not our soil.

[digitaltendernesss]

Pupdate

Dog lived thru the night after the snake plant chew scare. No diarrhea, even!

[digitaltendernesss]

Badddddddd mood.

Stupid f-ing puppy chewed up some of my snake plant not more than an hour after my dad left for work tonight. Those can be mildly to moderately toxic to pets.

Long story short ultimately I don’t think it was enough to warrant a vet visit. No symptoms. No vomiting. No foaming at the mouth. No breathing problems. No diarrhea yet. Definitely no lethargy.

After that whole thing, I slipped on some water around the dogs water bowl and hurt my left knee. Not bad enough to do anything other than an ice pack and elevate but bad enough to be more royally pissed off about my shitty evening.

[digitaltendernesss]

Puppy has now lost SIX teeth in less than that many days! The only puppy teeth left are the canines, and damn I wish she’d lose those, they are still sharp!

Rounding the bend to her six month vet appointment when she will get “fixed”. I always worry about the female dogs they have more to heal internally and this little psycho doesn’t know how to chill out very well. Should ask the vet if we can get extra drugs.

Oh god she just farted something foul too. 🤮

[sonandheirofnothinginparticular]

[digitaltendernesss]

Dad got some concerning PSA prostate numbers at the most recent doctor visit this week so he has to see a urologist and figure out what’s going on. He did report some problems peeing recently but thought it could just be a UTI.

And of course I’m trying to stay positive but losing my mother just last year that’s hard to not send my mind reeling.

If it’s an early stage prostate cancer that’s pretty good stats on beating it. My grandpa (mom’s dad) had it and had to have surgery to remove it but made a full recovery when I was in grade school. Shit has significantly improved since the 90s med tech wise. They even have pills to shrink if it’s just enlarged.

Dad doesn’t seem scared yet exactly just annoyed with having to deal with this now and the not knowing stage. So he’s grumpy and chatty and going through scenarios out loud.

Once he left for work I cried. I’ve already been kind of an emotional mess the last few days in a wave of grief missing mom. So I couldn’t hold it anymore. Too heavy. As much as we butt heads all my life, I don’t want him dead and I do not want to deal with sick or dying parent again so soon. I have no siblings. My in laws are no help lately. I used to be close to my cousin and aunt and uncle (dads bro) but once I hit mid 20s early 30s those relationships lost steam. I know I have my husband but when I do lose my dad it’ll feel very alone. Ughhhhh trying not to spiral.

Gonna go eat my feelings. At least I took a long walk with the dogs today.

[digitaltendernesss]

In other news, I did laundry and washed the dog (my dog, not the pup) who desperately needed it. When White dogs get that a golden tinge it’s definitely time. And then I found another tick on him that must’ve been hiding a few days bc it was (what looked like) full of blood but I managed to pinch it off with tweezers and flush the fucker. My good boy was so patient and trusting. I keep apologizing to him though. I don’t think it was from our long walk at the (paved) grassland over a week ago (I picked those all off his toes pretty immediately). I think it was likely our own backyard.

Close to his armpit, near a spot on his leg where he has a puffy skin tag that looks just like a tick but it’s squishy and part of him. Bet that’s why I missed it.

Anyway this summer seems real bad for ticks around here and I definitely need to check him once a day.

[digitaltendernesss]

Puppy just launched herself from full speed onto my lap

Problem is my vinyl job laptop was also on my lap

Which is already broken and I thought snapped in half when she landed but no, it lives to see another day and thus so does she

But jfc she’s on my last nerve and it’s only Monday!

[digitaltendernesss]

Every sore I get on my feet lately (mosquito bites, puppy scratches, etc) worries the hell out of me bc we have a mutual friend who ignored an issue on his foot for too long and it became gangrenous and he had to get his foot amputated and there was a whole go fund me about it …which because he’s such a good dude and knows a ton of people through the music scene here, he raised more than I’ve ever seen on one of those (that didn’t go viral with the help of the news or some feature on social media). Finally one of the wounds I had is almost all healed up after a few weeks of seemingly no improvement.

Phew.

[digitaltendernesss]

We hadn’t been out to the movies in a long time and so all last week we wanted to see as many as we could while my work load was less.

Ended up seeing three films.

Mandalorian and Grogu: decent! I enjoyed it. Better than season 3 of the show at least. A fun adventure. Not a crazy epic and didn’t try to do too much. Felt like one long episode.

Masters of the Universe: I went in with zero expectations and I was more than pleasantly surprised. I thought it was awesome. Plain and simple. And holy crap I hate Jared Leto these days but goddamn he was good as the voice of Skeletor. The kid who played prince Adam / He Man was fantastic and looked like a living version of the action figure for sure. And Idris Elba is always good (though he was basically just Heimdall again - his Thor character). Anyway. See it. It’s not actually totally stupid!

Obsession: oh. Oh my god. Okay. So. My expectations were low for this but the hype is pretty valid. Super gory in parts so skip it if you’re easily queasy. Also, main character Baron “bear” is super cute. I never watched the Teen Wolf show he was on in later seasons but anyway… not an entirely fresh concept but still pretty good for a contemporary horror.

Now I gotta try to see Backrooms before it leaves theatres and before super girl and spider man take over my husbands brain entirely

[digitaltendernesss]

Life lately