jaice

tired of being almost

[remanence-of-love]

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0094

You may not be in this kind of song but please do know that I’m 101% relate to this…

“‘Mahal na kita sa paraan na ako lang ang nakaka-alam, mahal na kita kaso nga lang hindi mo yun’ alam.”

[htvpgenny]

I never told you this, but sometimes I just sit there and imagine all the little scenarios of us in my head. Basic things like watching movies, cuddling, doing late night food runs, have deep conversations, and taking random trips. I just miss you and want to be with you.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0093

Before I let you in, sabi ko sa sarili ko huli na to.

Huling subok na lang dahil pagod na ako. Tuluyan pala talagang nakakapagod makinig sa mga salita at gawang kahit kailan hindi naman naging daan para itrato ako ng tama. Para bigyan ako ng halaga. Mga salita at gawang hanggang doon lang, walang pagpapatunay.

Sabi ko, masaktan man ay tatanggapin ko. Ngunit hindi ko inaakala na aabot sa ganito. Hindi ko maintindihan, hindi ko alam ano ang pinagkaiba o dahil lang ba sa binigay at pinaramdam mo sa akin na higit pa sa inaakala ko. Pero, bakit sa lahat ng iyon ay makikita kong muli ang sarili kong wasak at tinatanong ang bakit na kahit kailanma’y wala akong sagot na narinig kung bakit hindi ako ang pinili.

Oo, tama ka ng iniisip. Naiwan ako muling mag-isa. Yung akala kong iyon na, naging bato pa. Yung akala kong tuloy tuloy na ang saya, sa iba pala sasaya. Akala ko hindi na muli ako iiyak, pero gabi-gabi nalang akong nasasaktan lalo na tuwing nami-miss kita.

Alam kong ayaw na ng mga kaibigan ko sayo, hindi ko na rin dapat ipilit pa, pero ikaw pa rin ang ginugusto. Kung mabibigyan ba ng pagkakataon, pwede bang ako nalang? Ako naman ang piliin mo.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0092

Did you know what I did earlier?

It’s our first day of gym, kasama ko mga katrabaho ko. I signed up kahit na alam kong may pending pa ako with our gym. Gusto ko lang patunayan sa sarili ko na I can make it, that I can have other gym buddies aside from you.

And did you know what I realized and what I felt after that first session? I realized that it’s much different when I’m with you. Totally different. Every switch, every routine, every count, every lift and every sweat that drops, there were never a time that you didn’t crossed my mind. How dare you? How dare you leave me stuck up in this beautiful memory of ours? How dare you leave me hanging and do all the missing?

Bakit ako lang? Bakit ako lang yung nakaka-miss?

Bakit ako lang yung may gustong ibalik? Bakit ako lang yung gustong maulit muli?

Gusto ko namang makalaya sayo, gusto ko namang sumaya rin katulad mo. Pero bakit, bakit kahit anong gawin ko ang lakas pa rin ng tama ko sayo? Bakit, kahit anong subok ko iniisip ko pa rin na “paano kung ikaw ang kasama ko?”

Ilang beses ko na bang sinubukan na magpatay malisya, magpanggap na parang walang pakialam, paniwalain yung sariling kaya kong hindi ka isipin, na kaya kong wag kang kausapin, na kaya ko ring ipakita at iparamdam na wala ka ng halaga sa akin na hindi ka na importante.

Ilang beses kong ginawa at patuloy na ginagawa, pero bakit heto ako umiiyak na naman at hindi makahinga sa pagiisip sayo.

Bakit ang unfair ng mundo?

Bakit ang unfair mo? Bakit?

[inanotherunivrse]

in another universe, i kiss you goodnight every night. i hold your hand as we fall asleep. we are together and in love and you are not so far away

[vybewitme]

It’s just safer being silent these days

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0091

It’s 10 minutes before 5 in the morning and here I am thinking of you, watching and reminiscing the feeling when we’re still dating.

I miss that feeling. I miss you.

I don’t know why my eyes are still crying for you, even if I can’t even name anymore what is this I’m feeling for you. Maybe I just miss the happiness when I’m with you, maybe I just miss the feeling.

I don’t want to be affected anymore, but I can’t stop my heart to still hope and I can’t stop thinking to what could’ve been? What if you could give me a last chance to prove myself to you?

I can’t help but wonder the longing question I wanted to ask you. What if, what if I asked you much earlier to give us another chance? To try us again? What do you think would happen if I let that out? If I didn’t chickened out just because I don’t want to beg for your affection?

Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I can make you happy too, maybe you would be blessed for having me too, and maybe….

Just maybe, full of what ifs.

You will never be sure of me.

Never you will pick me.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0090

Heto na naman ako.

Hindi naman na dapat, hindi na rin tama.

Pero nami-miss na naman kita. Andito na naman yung mga tanong na paano kung nagwork? Paano kung naging ako nalang? Bakit hindi nalang naging ako?

You know, I’ve tried and I am still trying to talk to others and God knows how much I am doing my best I can to open up and let them in.

But, it’s just really hard.

It’s hard to force things when you know you can’t be happy or even do the talk you can’t enjoy.

And you know what’s even more difficult?

It’s when you are trying hard enough but they can’t just seem to even last a day or a week.

And I don’t know why I am still in the hang of you.

Maybe because you’re the last? Maybe because, I wanna know what could have been between us if things didn’t went south? Or maybe because, you added another set of expectations of how am I gonna be treated right?

I’m scared. I’m too scared now.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0089

This time, sorry isn’t enough.

I can’t even feel the sincerity. The way you said your sorry is like saying that “You are nothing to me.” I get it, I am not.

No need to remind me, ‘cause it just hurts too much.

[velvetgurl]

ik i’m fine on my own but where is the love of my life

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0088

3 hours before midnight.

June 20 na.

Do you still remember this date? I bet not. Eto lang naman yung unang araw ng paguusap natin.

Dito. Dito sa araw na to nagsimula ang lahat.

I still remember na I used to talk to a lot of guys pa before ako nagstick sayo. I don’t know, thinking ko that time, “why would I settle for one, when boys can’t even do the same?” Sabi nga nila, the more the merrier. Ganun din ang sabi ni Teddie, OPTIONS, OPTIONS, OPTIONS. Para kahit di man mag-work, may kapalit agad dahil sa panahon ngayon kailangan mo na daw maging sigurista, na hindi na uso ang mag-hintay, kailangan mo na rin gumalaw at lumandi.

Pero hindi ko ba alam, kung bakit ako dumating sa point na ikaw nalang yung ginusto at pinili kong makausap sa araw-araw. Hindi iyon naging madali, ilang beses akong nakipagtalo sa sarili ko bago sumugal ulit. Pero tila ba may bumubulong sa akin na iyon ang dapat kong gawin. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong nangyari, basta isang araw pagkagising ko, ikaw nalang ang tanging lalaki na kausap ko. Siguro nakuha mo ang loob ko, siguro nagvibes lang talaga tayo.

Sobrang naging magaan ang loob ko sayo. Oo, hindi nawala ang pagdududa kasi natatakot na ako. Natatakot na akong maaaring pwede pang mawala, natatakot na paano kung hindi muli ako ang piliin?

3 days before I met you, I said to God “Lord, hindi po dapat lumabas sa bibig ko itong salitang ito, pero minsan po nakakapagod din po palang magpakilala ng sarili ng paulit-ulit. Ngunit kung inyo pong nanaisin, sana ay makilala ko na yung taong muling makakapagpagaan ng dibdib, makakapagpabalik ng saya, at magbubukas muli sa aking liwanag.”

Then YOU came.

YOU happened.

[dikespica]

Walang tiyak, yung meron lang yung nararamdaman ko. Doon sa sandaling naniniwala ako, yung lang yung hawak ko.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0087

Too sad to miss you, too bad to lose you and too hard to forget you.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0086

Anong pwede kong gawin para maging akin ka?

Ay teka, sandali. Pwede pa nga ba?

[dikespica]

Ayoko rin naman ng compromised, pero wala rin naman kasing absolute.

[dikespica]

AllAboutLevi #0085

It’s hard to let go of the almost but not quite.