dimitryi

don't go dark on me

[dimitryi]

Belajar melepaskan dirinya Walau setengahku bersamanya Kuyakin kita kan terbiasa Walau inti jiwa tak terima

[more-than-ideas]

[jiangwanyin]

— eunjin jang, no one writes back

[dimitryi]

do you think all mothers end up the same?

they go through their lives making the best of the cards they are dealt with. and they live lonely, quiet lives clamouring onto every little sense of control they've never truly owned.

and we end up resenting them.

we constantly, and consistently fear turning into our fathers, that we forget that we will continue to live within the same vein as our mothers.

[dimitryi]

okay so maybe I'm a little bit obsessed with this version of this song

[dimitryi]

I'm surrounded by people who love me, and to be very fucking honest, I'm living in my fleabag - I love you - hot priest - it will pass era.

[dimitryi]

I love doing things out of spite.

[dimitryi]

sometimes I think my dad choosing to die in feb was a power move he meticulously planned out.

jk. it's his birthday today, and the anniversary of his death 4 days ago. february remains devastating even if I wilfully choose for it not to be.

[dimitryi]

And you know what, "I still miss you," will continue to hit different if it were the other person. It's 3 years later, and even now the what-could-have-beens have me in a chokehold.

[dimitryi]

He makes my tummy rumble. No matter how many times this happens, I’ll never get used to the sensation.

I always wonder what he thinks about when he looks at me, when I notice or otherwise. I wonder if he experiences the same sensation I do when my eyes graze his. I become a little shy when he tries to hold my gaze. Like if we look at each other for too long then he’ll find out about the secrets living in the corners of my mind. If my eyes searches his then perhaps he’d discover just how fond I am of him.

He makes me giddy, yet comfortable, and certain. Certain in a - I can rely on you way. Certain on a level where he’ll walk me to my side of the car, and he reaches for the door first. Where he allows me to go ahead of him in any and every circumstance, yet still having the ability to hold the room for us. Certain in a way that when he does things, he does it with intention.

And I guess this is the very thing that makes my tummy rumble, the warmth at the base. I want to hold a space for him the same way he does for me, speak to him all day and hope he doesn’t get tired of us. At least not for now.

[dimitryi]

I want to make you laugh, but I'm also very competitive.

[djklmnx]

let them lose you. because the right people will know how to hold your love. the right people will choose you just as deeply as you choose them.

[dimitryi]

It's 2022 and people born in 1994 are still willingly participating in the send me anonymous messages Instagram trend and responding to them passive aggressively for everyone else to read I mean I'm an open advocate for live your best life but Jesus h christ I'm p sure as a mother of a three year old you'd have more pressing priorities than to get butthurt over people asking if you're still with the baby daddy benchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yoU ARE THE ONE WHO GAVE THEM THE PLATFORM TO ASK YOU QUESTIONNNSSSSSSSSSS

[dimitryi]

I'm here to bet money that the new AM album will take station from Tranquility Base (>AM tbh) and is gonna adopt a sleazier, Miami backroom lounge sound and I'm fucking here for it. Um their new single's underwhelming.

I'm going through the rabbit hole of Marc Maron's podcast sheerly because I found out that there was a conversation with Jason Mantzoukas (who has fascinated me since his appearance on What's In My Bag). He deep dives into his background in religious studies and transcendental music before coming into comedy, and despite the allergy to eggs, what a life.

I'm convinced John Paul Jones is the funniest member of Led Zeppelin, and it's a shame he doesn't have as much public appearances as Jimmy Page does.

[dimitryi]

I guess if it's any comfort then there is this to come home to.

I sleep a lot now. It's easier to avoid things you don't want to deal with. Bob's Burgers has played in the background as I've slept, daily for the past three months. There are only so many episodes 12 seasons can give you before it loops back to the beginning.

I'm in the sixth cycle now. It's hard to part from something familiar. I watched a new film earlier, and I couldn't get to the end. I have a discomfort with things ending.

I would like to sleep again, for the next six hours until the next cycle. And although I've recaptured glimpses of me, I still feel detached from myself. I've struggled a lot with purpose, and sometimes it is the purpose of being here at all. You know.

I don't. I want to scrape my skin clear of. Of this. Of me.

[dimitryi]

It's still fascinating how clouds move.

[dimitryi]

The way this song got me through the pandemic. AMK remains an energy, and one day I will see them live.