kate. she/they. 22. british. a multi-fandom blog. most of my works are minor friendly, any others are marked mature. i don’t write smut and at most only include some mature themes in my works. (none of my works are 18+ but some are more suited to more mature readers). i like to chat but i’m a little shy and struggle to start conversations sometimes so send me asks if you wanna chat about something, my inbox is always open!
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Once I was talking to a dark skinned lady who told me that she was jealous of my pasty skin because she wants color tattoos, which her artist said wasn’t possible with her skin tone. I sent her to mine, and he proceeded to go off about how dark skin accepts greens, yellows, and white beautifully, and that her previous artist just lacked the skills to use those 3 colors as highlights to make other colors pop more. If you are dark skinned and your tattoo artist says you can’t have bright colors, find a new one.
All these two lovesick homosexuals did was go for a walk in a monster-infested forest for 5 minutes, share clothes and one very wrong hetero-dating advice for my brain to stop functioning for 14 months and still counting.
summary: if there was one thing james potter was not supposed to do, it was fall for a death eater. especially when said aforementioned death eater was his best friend’s little brother. oh boy, was sirius going to murder him.
warnings: swearing, pining, james is an idiot in love, canon divergent, angst, fluff, mentions of abuse and family trauma, walburga is a shit mother, mentions of death, mentions of murder, strong feelings of guilt, mature, perspective changes (switches between james and reggie)
word count: 4.5k
chapters: 01, more coming soon
a/n: this got a lot darker than i was planning, oops. it also was supposed to be a oneshot but got looonng so here we are
read on ao3 here | masterlist
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Sirius was going to kill him.
That was the only logical course of events James could see in front of him. He was going to die and at the hands of his best friend no less.
Well, maybe he was overreacting a little. Sirius would only kill him if he found out, after all. So, he’d just have to keep it a secret. That should be easy enough. Yeah, he’ll just not mention it to him. Or anyone, for that matter. Nope, not at all. He won’t even think about it.
Think about what? Nothing. Nothing suspicious going on here. He hadn’t done anything that could result in any unrelenting fury from anyone, especially not Sirius Black. No, not at all.
When he realised trying not to think about it only made him think about it more, he groaned and tugged on his dark curls as though it would pull the thoughts right out of his head. Then, he flopped backwards onto his bed, allowing his torso to hang down over the edge so that the tips of his hairs just about touched the floor.
Who am I kidding? Sirius is going to kill me.
He hadn’t actually done anything, exactly. Not yet, at least.
Regulus didn’t even like him. If anything, he despised him. James Potter, the scoundrel who had stolen his brother.
Merlin, it’s so stupid.
He wasn’t going to think about it. If he didn’t think about it then this weird new feeling in the centre of his chest would go away and things would go back to normal.
It was hard not to think about it, though.
Regulus had just looked so good in his new Quidditch uniform this year. His smaller frame had broadened just a little, filling the uniform out in a way it hadn’t the year before. His features, too, had grown sharper. The perfect visage of elegance. His hair had lengthened over the summer, although it was still not as long as his brother’s, and often found itself falling over his beautiful grey eyes.
James had been having these festering feelings since sometime in their fourth year. He didn’t know why at the time. He still wasn’t really sure now. All he did know was that for whatever ridiculous reason, he wanted Regulus Black. He wanted to be with the younger brother of his best friend, who was certainly going to kill him the very second he found out.
He was screwed. Positively and utterly screwed.
Not because Sirius cared much for the well-being of his brother, mind you. Well, at least he didn’t want people to think he cared much for him anymore. They were on opposing sides, after all.
Sirius hated his family. Almost the whole lot of them. Regulus was sort of stuck in this weird other plane within Sirius’ mind. On one hand, Sirius loved his little brother more than anything. On the other, he detested him as much as the rest of his nasty, conniving relatives.
Sirius would call James a fool if he knew. For falling for his brother. For falling for a Slytherin. For falling for a Death Eater. That’s what he was, after all. At least, Sirius was sure. By now Regulus would have cemented his place by the Dark Lord’s side, as were his parents’ expectations of him.
Nonetheless, thoughts of unspeakable things swam around in James’ head when it came to the boy.
How could he be a Death Eater? James may not have known him all that well but he knew Regulus wasn’t a bad person. Sure, he could be quite standoffish and had a tendency to look down on others thanks to his stupid ‘most ancient and noble house of Black brainwashing’, as Sirius had called it, but he wasn’t a murderer.
James groaned again then and sat back up, cursing himself for not being able to dispel the younger Black from his mind.
Then, he began to pace. Up and down, up and down, up and down. If he paced any more he’d leave a smoky trail behind on the carpet.
“Fuck.”
“What’s got your knickers in a twist? Is it Evans again? You know she isn’t interested, mate.”
James nearly jumped out of his skin the moment he heard the very voice he was trying to avoid. Thankfully, Sirius had only just entered the room and hadn’t been standing there for the entirety of his minor crisis. Although James wasn’t sure he’d have even noticed if he had been quiet enough but thankfully Sirius Black was anything but quiet.
“I know, I know. It’s nothing, really. Just stressed about the exams, that’s all.”
It wasn’t exactly a lie. He really was stressed about their impending NEWTs.
Sirius raised a sceptical eyebrow as he looked at James. "Exams, huh? Prongs, I've seen you face a Hungarian Horntail with less anxiety than you've got right now.”
James released a half-hearted chuckle, unable to fully mask his unease. He always had been easy to read. Always wore his heart on his sleeve. Still, that didn’t mean he could tell Sirius what was really on his mind. "Alright, you caught me. It's not just the exams. It's... other stuff too."
“The war?”
Taking no time in latching onto the topic of war to mask his feelings and worries about Regulus, James hummed, “Yeah. It’s just… things are getting worse out there, you know?”
“Trust me, I know. They’re recruiting kids now. Kids. I mean, I know they’re Slytherin and their parents are Death Eaters and all but they’re still children. Kids younger than us are being conscripted into their ranks and made murderers. If I hadn’t run away when I did…”
And there it was. Sirius was worried about him too, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
“But you did,” James moved to sit beside his friend and rubbed a reassuring hand across his back, “You got out while you still could. As for Regulus, well, we don’t know for sure that he’s joined them yet.”
Sirius only flopped down onto his back, his eyes fixing on the ceiling above him as though he could see the image of his brother consorting with the Dark Lord right then and there. “Of course he has. He was already sitting in on their secret meetings before I left. He’s the perfect son I would never be. He’ll be working for them before you know it. Murdering people too. Just like our parents.”
James didn’t know what to say to that. Nor did he know what to do with the pit it created in the depths of his stomach. Regulus Black. Death Eater. Murderer.
Regulus Black was a lot of things. He was arrogant, entitled, intelligent, loyal, stubborn, too proud for his own good, and quite possibly as tormented by his family situation as Sirius was. He was all those things and more. But he was not a murderer. James was certain of that.
"The thing is," James began, "although Regulus might be stuck in a difficult situation, we can't jump to conclusions about what decisions he will make."
Sirius sat back up to look at James with a mixture of frustration and sadness in his eyes. "You always try to find the good in people, even when it's not there."
“Maybe,” James replied with a half-smile, “but when it comes down to it, I’m sure he’ll make the right choice. You’ve had your ups and downs but he’s still your brother, Pads. You were close once and I’m sure he’s more like you than you’d think.”
Sirius sighed, his expression conflicted. "It's not that simple, Prongs."
"I know it's not," James conceded, "but do you really want to condemn him without giving him a chance? Surely you’ve seen the change in him recently? He’s been bumping heads with other Slytherins and I’ve caught him looking over at our table in the great hall more than once. What if he’s silently calling out for help? What if he’s drowning just like you were and is just waiting for someone to pull him back to the surface?"
“There you go with your fucking metaphors again. You know, they don’t make you look any less like an idiot, Prongs.” Sirius got up then and began to pace the room, his own thoughts running in circles.
He knew his brother. Or, he did once. And he wanted more than anything to think there was hope for him but he’d given up that hope the day he left home. The day his parents turned their wands on their own son and Regulus — good, little, perfect Regulus Black — stood there and did nothing about it.
Silence settled between them, heavy with the weight of the world. Eventually, Sirius stood still, his fingers threading through his hair. "You really think there's hope for him?"
"I think there's hope for everyone," James replied, his gaze steady on his friend. "Regulus might surprise us. And if he doesn't, well, at least we gave him that chance."
Sirius studied James for a moment, regarding him with a contemplative eye. "You're too damn noble for your own good, you know that?"
James grinned, a spark of his usual, easy-going self returning. "Comes with being a Gryffindor, I suppose."
Sirius snorted a laugh and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and it comes with being you."
The tension between them began to ease but still, Sirius had more questions. “Why the sudden interest in Regulus now anyway?”
James felt his heart skip a beat as he realised he needed to devise a convincing excuse to hide the true reason behind his concern. To try and hide his fluster, he leaned back on his elbows to appear as casual as possible.
“Well, he’s your brother and you've always been stubborn as hell, but I've seen the way you talk about him, the way you've never fully cut him out. It's like you're protecting something, even if you won't admit it.”
A guarded look crossed Sirius' features as he retorted, "You're reading too much into it." But there was a hint of vulnerability beneath his words.
James shrugged. “Maybe I am but if anyone knows what he’s going through it’s you. You’ve been there, you’ve faced the same expectations from your parents. Maybe he’s just too afraid to take the same path you did. Maybe he thinks he can protect you by staying with them?”
Sirius' expression softened and he glanced away, lost in thought. After a moment, he sighed. “I still think you’re grasping at straws but I know what you’re doing so thanks… for trying to make me feel better about it. I just don’t have the same confidence in people as you do. I never have. I’ve been let down one too many times already.”
Little did James know, he had hit the nail pretty much right on its head. Sirius just didn’t want to admit the possibility because he was too afraid of being let down again.
Regulus still remembered the day Sirius left home. In fact, that night played over and over in his mind every second of every day.
It wasn’t the first time their mother had turned her wand on him but it was the first time she’d ever stooped so low as to use an unforgivable curse on her own blood.
“Get out, Regulus.” Is what his mother had said with her wand pressed firmly to her eldest son’s throat. She didn’t once cast a look his way as she was far too occupied with the beginning of the punishment she was preparing to inflict on Sirius for stepping out of line once again.
Sirius, however, had looked at him. His eyes were stern, as though he was trying to show no fear, but Regulus could see through it now. He wasn’t that little boy who needed protecting from his strong big brother. In fact, he knew the very fear Sirius was feeling. It was a part of him too.
“Don’t look at him,” Walburga tapped the side of her son’s face with her wand, directing his full attention back to her, “Look at me you pitiable excuse for a son. This is the last time you disgrace our family name. You're nothing but a stain on the Black family honour.”
He could still see the fear in Sirius’ eyes. He could hear the sharp hatred and contempt in his mother’s voice.
“Regulus. Get. Out.”
Although he felt frozen in place, his legs began to move on their own and soon he was on the other side of the door, leaning against it with a heavy heart the moment it clicked shut behind him. His entire body flinched when he heard his mother shrill, “Crucio!”
Once again he found he couldn’t move. If he did, that would have been to leave Sirius entirely and he couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t. So, he forced himself to stand there and listen to his brother’s screams.
Regulus' fists clenched at his sides, holding tightly onto his own wand as though he would ever dare to open that door and stop his mother. It was what he had wanted to do more than anything. Sirius had always tried his best to protect him from their parent’s wrath, even after they stopped talking to one another, so why couldn’t he work up the courage to do the same?
He was a coward. He knew that and he couldn't bear it. He wished he could turn back time, confront his mother, and shield his brother from her malevolent cruelty as he had done for him their entire lives. But he knew he was powerless against her, trapped in the thick web of expectations and deep-rooted fear.
Regulus would always remember that day. He would always remember the terrified look in Sirius' eyes and the disdain in his mother’s. Despite their differences, he and Sirius were two sides of the same coin. They both yearned to break free from the toxic grasp of their family's dark legacy.
Every second felt like an eternity as Regulus leaned against the icy cold door. The silence that followed was almost as chilling as the screams that had preceded it.
Sirius was gone that very night.
Regulus sent owls. A plethora of them, in fact. He never received a reply. That was how he knew Sirius blamed him in part for that night. Or, at the very least, resented him for not stepping in. Regulus couldn’t blame him.
Still, he was desperate to know that Sirius was okay. That he was safe. Well, as safe as he could be after refusing to join the Dark Lord, experiencing a punishment worse than any he had before, and running away from home to finally leave it all behind.
That was why he sent an owl to James. Where else would Sirius have gone, after all?
Unlike his best friend, James took only a day to respond to the younger Black brother. It was a short letter but still, it helped put Regulus somewhat at ease.
Dear Regulus,
He is safe. You needn’t worry, we will look after him here. He just needs some space, give him time.
Sincerely,
James Potter
Hearing those words meant he could breathe again. Sirius was safe and he was being looked after by people who loved him, truly loved him, and that was all that mattered. He had made it out, he was free.
Of course, Dumbledore had come to the Nobel House of Black personally to ensure the youngest son was well. His parents were quick to brush off what had happened with Sirius as a fleeting tantrum and overreaction.
When the headmaster asked Regulus directly if he was okay, everything in him threatened to crumble. He could have said then and there that he wanted to leave too. That he didn’t feel safe in his own home. That he didn’t want to go through what Sirius had.
“I… I’m quite well, Professor. You know Sirius, he has always had a flare for dramatics. It was just an argument, that is all.”
He was a coward.
The headmaster hummed. “Is that so? Well, I am glad you seem to be well, Regulus. Just remember if there is ever anything you wish to tell me, you can do so without concern. I can protect you.”
The young boy only stood taller as he looked the headmaster in the eye. “I am quite safe here, with my family, Professor.”
Always the perfect son. Perfect little Regulus Black making his family proud.
Seeing Sirius at school after only made it hurt all the more and, as each day passed by, he pushed away everyone who had ever shown any sign that they cared for him. He couldn’t protect Sirius but, by keeping everyone else at arm’s length, maybe he could protect them.
Over a year had passed since then. Sirius was close to graduating and Regulus, well, he had in fact become the very thing he hated most. When the same question was asked of him, to swear loyalty to the Dark Lord, he wasn’t as brave as Sirius. He had taken the dark mark, much to his parent’s pleasure.
Of all his family, Narcissa was the only one who showed any sign of knowing what it was he was going through. While everyone else made toasts and celebrated the joining of the youngest Black into their ranks, his cousin came to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Only when they met eyes did he realise he wasn't the only one. She too had been longing for a different life but she had found a way to live with the hand she had been dealt and somehow he would have to too.
And then the day came when he was instructed to kill.
He looked down his wand at the young wizard who cowered at his feet. He was a student, he came to realise. A third year whom he himself had seen many times around the castle. Now the young boy wept on the ground at the bodies of his dead parents.
“Kill him, Regulus! Do it!” Bellatrix cackled as she skipped around the room, knocking over family portraits as she taunted the child.
In his hesitation, she grew impatient and sighed before crying out, “Avada Kedavra!”
That was the moment his façade began to crumble. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes before spilling out over his cheeks as his wand arm fell to his side.
The boy was barely younger than himself. A life snuffed out as though it had meant nothing.
His cousin wrapped an arm around him then, leaning lazily against him as she admired the destruction before her. “Oh come on, Reggie. They’re traitors. They’re nothing.”
Regulus felt a sickening churn in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the lifeless body before him. It was then that he realised he couldn’t blindly follow along any further. He wouldn’t kill for them. He couldn’t.
“Get off of me!”, he shoved Bellatrix away, breaking her grip on him, but this only seemed to fuel her twisted glee.
It sickened him. She sickened him.
It was finally time for him to follow in his brother’s footsteps. To get away from it all.
Without another thought, he disapparated and left behind the horror before him.
When he materialised, he was surprised to find himself standing outside the three broomsticks. He had taken himself as close to Hogwarts as he could manage, knowing it was the only place he would be safe from his family’s wrath.
He was almost frantic as he pushed the doors open and hurried inside out of the cold, leaving the winter snow behind him.
With his entry, the pub went almost silent. His wand was still firm in his hand, his face still soaked in tears. He shook where he stood, eyes wide as he looked around for a familiar face. For anyone.
Then came the sound of chair legs scraping across the floor and his heart raced as he locked eyes with James Potter, the last person he would have expected to encounter.
“Regulus?”
And then he began to walk over and the distant chatter grew loud once again as the rest of the pub’s customers went about their business once again.
James' voice held a concerned note that was foreign to Regulus. He had expected judgement, perhaps even disdain, from someone like James. After all, it was no secret that he supposedly shared the same purist beliefs as his family. But the look in James’ eyes held something else entirely. Genuine concern, a flicker of empathy that Regulus couldn't comprehend.
"Regulus?" he asked again as he approached, his voice grounding, "Are you alright?"
His defences were still up, his instincts telling him they would be coming for him soon. That the next wizard to fall at the hands of the Death Eaters would be one of their own. A true traitor.
His only chest tightened, and he struggled to find words.
"Why do you care?" Finally, he spoke, his words sharp and bitter. In his world, compassion was a scarce commodity, and genuine concern from anyone, especially someone like James, was a foreign concept.
James’ face softened further, if that were even possible, and although he wanted to wrap Regulus in his arms then and there, he forced himself to give him space. “Because something is clearly wrong. What happened? Was it your family? Did they hurt you?”
Under any normal circumstances, he would have grown angry hearing those words. He didn’t want or need James’ pity. But right now, his warm voice and gentle words were the only thing keeping him tethered to the ground.
His grip on his wand slackened slightly, his fingers trembling. He couldn’t even look James in the eye as a lump continued to form at the back of his throat, emerging with the emotions welling up that he had suppressed for so long.
He really had given up on himself. No one else cared about him, after all. Not even his brother, who had left him all alone with the monsters they called parents at barely fifteen years old.
"I... I can't talk about it," Regulus admitted in a hushed tone, his voice betraying the storm within him. He knew if he told James what had happened the kindness he was showing him now would turn to hate. He would go to Azkaban for what he had done and a part of him knew that he deserved it.
"That's okay," James replied gently, stepping closer. "You don't have to. Come on, let's head back to the castle, yeah?"
Regulus' eyes stung with unshed tears, the weight of his guilt threatening to consume him. He looked down, unable to understand why his brother’s closest friend would care at all for him. His kindness was unexpected and confusing, yet strangely comforting.
As James reached out, placing a hand on Regulus' shoulder, the younger boy flinched away, and James couldn’t help but feel the strong ache in his heart. Sirius had been in much the same condition when he ran away, a frightened little thing seeming almost beyond repair.
Hours passed and still, they sat in silence. James had snuck Regulus into the Gryffindor common room and up to their room, although he knew his friends would not be so happy about that fact when they came back.
With the war getting worse and his parents having taken such a pivotal stance, he and Sirius had been instructed to remain at the castle this Christmas. Peter had gone home to his parents and was likely having a wonderful, snowy celebration with them as they took the opportunity to pretend just for a couple of weeks that the war was but a distant memory. Remus, however, had also been asked to remain at the castle. Not that he minded, he had always much preferred Christmas when he was with his friends.
James knew he was going to have to tell a professor about Regulus’ arrival. At the very least to give them some warning that his parents might come looking for him. It could wait for now, though. At least until Sirius and Remus returned and dragged Regulus to McGonagall kicking and screaming.
With a sigh, James cleared his throat, his brows furrowed in concern. "Regulus," he began, "I might not know what's wrong, and I know we're not exactly on good terms, but I'm here for you. You don't have to go through whatever this is alone."
His heart raced as he looked into Regulus' eyes, a secret longing hidden behind his words. The very eyes that looked back into his, however, were cold and icy. Deep down in the depths of their grey ocean, James could just about see the pain that resided underneath.
Without a word, Regulus stood up from where he had been sitting on Jame’s bed and began to head for the door.
“Where are you going?”
"Does it really matter?" Regulus replied, his voice carrying a weight that seemed to echo the turmoil within him, “You don’t really care anyway.” His words hung in the air, a bitter truth that he couldn't hold back any longer.
James wasn’t surprised when he felt his heart clenched at Regulus' words. The pain of their truth hit him like a punch to the chest. He had never given Regulus a reason to think he cared, not once, but he had cared all along.
“You're wrong. I might not have shown it before, but I do care. I care about what happens to you, about what's hurting you." His voice cracked slightly, revealing the vulnerability he had tried to keep hidden for so long.
Regulus turned to face James and finally saw the sincerity that was etched across James' features. Even though he had no real reason to, he was so desperate for a friend that he thought he might just be able to believe what James was saying.
His voice wavered, the edges of his resolve crumbling. "You have a funny way of showing it."
James took another step closer, closing the distance between them. "I know I haven’t been there for you in the past. I’m Sirius’ best friend, after all, and it isn’t like the two of you get along, but I do care about you. Sirius does too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. I’ve tried to talk to you over the years, tried to get the two of you to reconnect, but all you’ve ever done is push me away.”
Regulus crossed his arms over his chest as though he were trying to close himself off or scared that James would be able to see right through him.
“I want to be here for you now, if you'll let me.
Regulus hesitated, his gaze shifting between James' eyes as if seeking the truth behind his words. The silence between them stretched, heavy with unspoken thoughts. Finally, he let out a sigh, the weight on his shoulders seeming to lessen just a fraction.
"Fine," he murmured, almost reluctantly. "But don't expect me to suddenly start trusting you."
James managed a small, genuine smile. "Fair enough. We can start with small steps. Like telling the professors you’re here, maybe?"
next chapter (coming soon)
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