Dinner Before Zombies @dinnerbeforezombies-blog - Tumblr Blog

And this is how the world ends...

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

I have had the strangest feeling lately. Everything moves to fast, which they warn you about before you have children, but I feel as if this is different. It's like triple time. I believe time is relative most days so my concept of time is that it's moving beyond my control. I'm not the only one, most people I talk to say things go by much faster now. (Some who are not parents ;D)

I have given 2012 some thought and I'm pretty sure the world is going to "end" but not in the way we think. Most people associate 2012 with events similar to what happens in the movie "2012." I see it going very differently.

In America things have been on a slow downward spiral. It's speeding up now and the changes are wreaking havoc on our society. It is crumbling from the inside out and I think 2012 is going to be the climax so to speak. Things are going to crash hard and it's going to be a mess.

I worry about Connor and McB. I feel the insatiable urge, this tremendous feeling that I need to protect them, but I feel like I'm not going to be around to do that. I can't explain why I feel that way, just that it's there and it makes me cry. I've wondered if I have psychotic paranoia or I'm depressed, or some other mental dysfunction that leads me to these thoughts. So far I've come to the conclusion that no, I'm saner than I have been my entire life.

I want to do things. I need to do things, to make things happen. I feel that as well. That if I simply step up to the plate, assume the role, whatever you want to say, that I can make a difference if I try. Of course you can say "well honey hate to break the news to you, you are one person in a sea of millions." I'll tell you that because I believe in what I say, because I put it into practice, and because I live in the United States of America that I, yes little old me, can make a difference. I'm not saying it will be easy or fruitful at first or perhaps in my life time even. One person can inspire a million others to stand up and be heard.

It's not about Us versus Everyone Else. It's freedom versus tyranny. It's true wealth for all versus poverty for all. Not only my liberty is at stake, it's my son, and that truly inspires me more than anything ever has. The idea that my son will not have the unalienable rights that I have taken for granted my entire life devastates me. It makes me want to cry.

I have to fight for my son, for his sons', and so on. Whatever it may cost, someone has to stand up for the rights that all people deserve, that America protected and encouraged.

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free."

-Ronald Reagan

Connor's First Birthday

My how time has flown! Already Connor has been in my life for a year and every second has been amazing. Okay, maybe not every second because there were some days when I wanted to cry/scream/vomit/pass out but looking back I wouldn't change anything.

It amazes me how much you can actually love another being. Having a child of my own has taught me to appreciate so many things about myself, my family, and the world in general. I try to see things like Connor does and everything seems pretty amazing. Other than that terrible-doom-evil word "no." :]

I know I have changed immensely in the past year in so many ways and so has Connor. I want to keep growing together as a family and as individuals. Connor is so intelligent, it is really crazy. He catches on to things waaay too quickly which is good, but it is also bad because he catches on to things I'm not always ready for him to figure out. (Climbing everything for instance?)

Connor has learned so many skills in such a short time. He feeds himself almost everything. He walks all the time, including to the car now by himself. He knows how to turn the lights on and off and apparently he knows how to call people on my cellphone. (No, not really because that would be terrifying. But he does randomly call people.)

Today we had his first birthday party. It went off without a hitch. He had a blast and everyone loved seeing him. It was a little crowded at times, but nothing we couldn't handle. He made out like a bandit too. He also had his own cake to eat that I made for him. Normally he attempts to eat everything like our dog, Merlin, aka sticking his face in his food. Today, the day we wanted him to, he refused. He just poked around at the icing and ate a little bit of the actual cake. He was still filthy, but it was totally worth it. I loved having everyone together for him. It made me feel so happy. All of my family showed up which meant a lot to me because a few members rarely come out to social functions.

I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off from 10:30AM until about 5PM and I think I've caught the flu, but it was an excellent day and totally worth every minute when I wanted to scream at someone.

Tomorrow my cousin, Aire, and our friend, JP, are coming to visit for a few days. I'm super excited but I have a ton of cleaning to do. Obviously not accomplishing much in that area since I'm writing this up. :P In other awesome news both of my great-aunts are chipping in towards our wedding so we get to have it at an AMAZING place and I don't have to cook anything. That is a huge sigh relief you hear. ;D

#parenting #birthday

Avoiding "Sticker" Shock

"My life sucks."

Ah, I remember those awesome days as a teenager. Now I'm a full-fledged adult with a kid of my own who will be a teenager one day. (Which is a horrifying thought honestly.)

Sometimes I still find myself thinking "my life sucks." My mother's cure for this idea was to tell me about all the people who have it so much worse than more for a hundred thousand different reasons. It worked for me, but I would like to avoid it getting to the point where I have to explain the kids down the road are abused by their parents, don't have food in their house, running water, etc. so suck it up and move on.

So how do we avoid this as parents?

Life is not easy. Life is really freaking hard most of the time. As a kid we think it sucks that we have to go to school, or do the dishes. Then we become adults and we have to manage working, sometimes school too, the dishes, dinner, groceries, bills, our kids schedules, and usually a relationship with another adult. The list is pretty endless and varies from person to person, but it boils down to the same thing: A LOT OF CRAP.

Movies make it seem easy, you know that five minute montage where people instantly go from being horrible at something to being awesome at it. LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT, WHY OH WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME? I find myself wondering about this. My parents warned me too late that life is not all fun and games and partying. It's working, paying bills, and finding time for your family and yourself.

I want to avoid Connor having the "sticker" shock of living as an adult in our crazy, hectic world. Having my own priorities right is the first step I think. "Lead by example." I want to do this. I'm not right now, but I'm going to change that.

Family comes first. Your life doesn't cease to exist when you have a baby. You can still do the things you love and you should.

A friend of the family told my fiance and I the other day to remember that once the kids are gone, it will just be us. Taking some time to focus on ourselves and our relationship will not make the world stop spinning, in fact it will keep it spinning for our little nuclear family.

I want Connor to be realistic. I want to spoil him, because honestly who doesn't want to spoil their children, deep down? However, things don't just happen magically with five minutes of awesome background music. It takes hard work, sacrificing occasionally, and dedication. I want Connor to appreciate the work that goes into accomplishing something from cleaning his room to saving up to buy a new toy or going out to the movies. It all requires an exchange, time, energy, money, etc.

There are no free rides, despite what we are led to believe.

It's like there is a magical equation. Childhood leads to College. College leads to perfect job where you make bukos of money. Perfect job leads to perfect marriage. Perfect marriage leads to perfect children. The cycle starts over.

Hah. I wish it actually worked this way. So many people believe that it does and then suddenly after college they can't find that perfect job, they don't have time to date because their too busy working the job they didn't even go to college for, and then suddenly you turn thirty and wonder where the hell your life is going because you have accomplished nothing you set out to do.

Plans change. I guess I want Connor to know that being adaptable is one of the most important traits a person can have. Making the best of a situation, no matter what it is. Never compromise on the important stuff, but on small stuff, just let it go. It doesn't matter when you get married or have kids or buy a house. Just because you check them off your list does not mean you will be happy. It takes so much more than that.

I just want Connor to understand that and I'm going to find ways to teach him.

#parenting

The Virtue of Selfishness

I am so frustrated. I am in a terrible mood again, for no apparent reason. I'm pissed off at the world. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not excited about it. Seriously. I'll be twenty-one and I'm not even excited. I have too much on my mind, so I'm going to attempt to relieve some pressure. Must I sacrifice everything for everyone else? Family comes first, right, I know that. My family is not willing to sacrifice for me, not now. My mom used to when I was a kid, I give credit where it's due. She suffered through a lot of shit and she made sure my sister and I had everything we wanted. Now though it's like if I ask for something the world has stopped spinning and everything is on fire and everyone looks at me like I'm insane. Can't they see they're killing me? Driving me on to some point that I cannot take. I will not break here and now. I have everything going for me. I'm going to school, I have an amazing fiance who works a good job and love our son and me, I have a roof over my head and more than enough material things. It's like I'm starved for something else, something deeper than what I have right now. I think it's because I have no good friends. I have no one to talk to about anything. I don't feel comfortable with my mother. I have never felt comfortable with most of my other family, not talking about anything real, except politics with my grandfather. I want to cry. I'm lonely and angry. I get tired of talking about Connor all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid, but it would be nice to have a real conversation with someone every now and again. I seriously need to make a good friend. How depressing is that? Ugh. I feel like I don't follow what I want to do, and when I do I feel guilty. Feeling guilty makes me angry. Being angry makes me frustrated. It's a vicious circle. I feel like I'm not being true to myself because there is no me. There is only do this for so-and-so, pick this up, change a diaper, oh my god do you ever feed him?, here give him to me, will you /please/ come get him already?, why aren't you watching him?, the apartment is a fucking wreck. Yeah well fuck it and fuck everyone else. I'm tired to death of serving everyone else around me all the FUCKING GOD DAMNED TIME. You know what I did today for myself? Nothing. I got up, waiting around for a delivery, rushed to clean my aunt's house, got the maternity clothes out of the attic for my other aunt, dropped them off, ran to wal-mart, came home to pick up Connor, went to my aunt's office to do her bank deposit and buy her cigarettes, got my mom and aunt smoothies, went to the DMV for my sister, picked my mom's friend up and dropped her off at the mechanic, went to McDonald's because I felt like I was going to pass out before going to pick my sister up from soccer conditioning, took her to get a Slurpee, took her home while she bitched that she could have gone and done something else because I already went to the DMV. Then I finally got to come home. I tried to take a nap but Connor kept screaming at everything he was playing with and then his dad got up and started playing with him. It was an epic fail. I did get everything done on my list though, which gives me some sick feeling of accomplishment. Who wants a life that is endlessly fucking running, all day, every day and never even for your own reasons? I feel violated, like I have given up thinking for myself and I just do as I'm told, but oh it's OK because it's my family telling me what to do. It's okay as long as I'm doing what they ask me to. And when I say ask, I mean politely tell me to or else I am on their shit list. It's all bullshit. BULLSHIT. Life is bullshit when it's like this. I'm not even excited about my wedding anymore, everyone acts so stupid about it. I doubt Bobby's family is even going to show up and I just want to say screw it and elope. I have a dress, we'll both have rings shortly, and he'll have a tux. I say let's do the damn thing and then have a party. People can show up if they want because I have ceased to care about anyone other than Connor and my fiance. I don't want to feel that way, I love my family. They just make me angry. You know I have to go outside of my family to get a baby sitter? Even for a couple of hours so Bobby and I can go out. My mom says, "Why do you all need to go out? You're together all the time, just watch a movie at home or something." A few days later she says this, "You really need to spend less time with Connor." If she had been in front of me I think I would have literally punched her in the face. Really. I'm not a violent person either. Yet people wonder why I get angry. I am almost always nice to everyone. I believe what goes around, comes around. So I try. I try and I try. It is killing me and I am just TIRED of it. BLEH. I'm done ranting now, apologies for the angst and anger. Life is funny like that. This boils down to what I want to teach Connor and the example I set for him. Time to rearrange my life a whole lot.

Crash and Burn

UUUGH. Today is just not a good day. I know I should think positive, it's what I always tell myself, but today is just a happy day.

Took my great-grandfather to the doctor today who told him he needs to move into an assisted living facility, and then watched as they stuck him eight different times trying to get blood. No luck and I felt like throwing up. Needles give me the heebie jeebies. Ran late for his next appointment, went and got his stuff done, cussed my mother and aunt out for telling me I lost a file, and then went home.

Not to a wonderful, joyous place because father and son got to spend some time together. Oh no. Crying baby+Pissed off Father+Freak clutter tornado taking over= OMFG LET IT BE DONE ALREADY.

I don't feel good anyway then I come home to a bunch of negative shit. Not really a pick me up. So I'm trying my darndest to clean up and get organized.

Moving is out of the question I think. Sadly we cannot afford to move into a house, which really sucks because I just wanted a yard. Yet, that means that we can go ahead and really decorate because we are going to be staying here. Hopefully our neighbors upstairs will move out soon. They watch their grand-children, who are small demon children who STOMP all over their apartment and scream constantly.

I dislike people who cannot control their children. I could understand if it was like.. you know once a week, or for a half hour at a time. NO. It's hours on end, from three o'clock until seven PM. McB has to sleep during the day to work nights, so this is not a good equation.

I suppose there are worse things in life. At least we do have a decent apartment for an affordable price with what we need and then some. Clutter is a good thing when you look at it that way. We have way more than we need and I am a total pack rat.

McB wants to get rid of our kitchen table. This makes me sad because I want to have family meals. It rarely happens, but I want it to happen more often, especially now that Connor is eating table food. Keeping it cleared off is a challenge though.

If we did get rid of it, I would compromise to getting a smaller one. He wants to get a freezer to put in the dining room so we can buy meat and stuff when it's on sale and stock up. That's cool with me, but I really want a kitchen table too. Decisions, decisions.

I'm going to go be pissed off and miserable while accomplishing things.

Connor walking, although his pants are a little big. :D He has been walking all over the place but this was the first video I could actually get of him.

#walking #baby's first steps #yay!

Dressing "Cutesy"

So what the hell does that even mean?

That is what I found myself asking last night. My fiance told me that he wants me to dress less like my mother (who always looks amazing btw) and to dress more "cutesy." I'll be twenty-one on the nineteenth of the month, so I'm young. However, I am also a mother, and to me that is more relevant than my age. I don't feel almost-21. I feel older without the ability to legally drink.

How am I supposed to dress? I don't think I have ever dressed "cutesy" in my life. I was a tom boy until high school. Most of my wardrobe up until my son consisted of jeans, jeans, jeans, vans or chuck taylors, t-shirts with things I loved on them (like Star Wars!) and plaid shirts. I LOVE PLAID SHIRTS. In fact I have decided to invest in a few new ones since most of mine had to get trashed because they were falling apart.

Part of figuring out who I am is technically figuring out my wardrobe. It cannot consist of pajama pants and sweat shirts much to my chagrin. I have found that when I dress like I am not homeless I tend to feel better about myself. It has been a struggle to lose some of my baby weight, which I think ties into the whole wardrobe problem. None of my pre-baby clothes fit. My post-baby clothes are mostly cast-off's of my mother who has been on a gym/diet regime and ditching her old clothes to get new spiffy ones. I love my mom's stuff, but it is my mom's.

So how do you define cutesy? I want my style to reflect me, which is not really cutesy. I am also a mother, but there are many other things too. I need functional things that still make me feel good and look good. Spring and summer are coming and I think I am going on an Amazing Clothing Hunt.

In the mean time I am still trying to get my fiance to define WTF cutesy means.

Un-Schooling vs Traditional Education

Un-schooling is a new term to me but I was instantly in love with the idea. Homeschooling children without standardizing them is basically what I get from it. Un-schooled.net is where I discovered this fabulous term.

Con-man might not even be a year old yet but I am already trying to decide how I want him to be educated. I informed my fiance before he was even born that he was not going to public school if I had to work three jobs to make that possible. Of course, now that is not realistic. I would never have time to spend with him!

I have already started researching various private schools in my area. Some are fairly inexpensive, while others seems outrageous. (We're talking 20 grand for a year of schooling.) One thing almost all of them are religiously affiliated. This is not so much a problem but I want to teach my son a variety of religious principles and I want him to have the freedom to choose what he believes. Some things I do not feel comfortable with at religiously affiliated schools, and of course there is something of a stigma for me surrounding religion, especially Christianity. I associate myself with Judaism, but I respect other peoples beliefs. The problem is they sometimes don't respect mine, and therefore my son's future beliefs or disbelief, or whatever he chooses to believe.

So my new idea is to work from home and to home school my child/children. I have been looking into how it would actually work, what things I would have to do, and if I would even be able to handle it. I'm not an organized person and I'm pretty darn lazy too. Sending Con-man off to school gives me an eight hour break, five days a week, for the majority of the year. I have seen people who are jealous of school because it takes their children away from them. I definitely do not think that if I choose to send him to a traditional school that I will be jealous. Pfft. I know I won't. I will miss him I'm sure, but it will be some small freedom to work, or get things done around the house, or get coffee with a friend without chasing him around the shop. Why would you be jealous!? Plus he would be getting an education, learning and loving it I hope.

I am concerned what my family will say, what my fiance's family will say, what my fiance will say. I would definitely need support and I am not sure that my family will be as gung ho as I am. They'll probably look at me like I'm crazy. Still, that is not a good enough reason NOT to do something. I have received that look many times over.

Schools focus too much on standardized testing, on learning this material by this time and being able to spout it back without even comprehending it. I was lucky in school; I had teachers who taught me to think for myself. Most students do not understand that concept. It makes me intensely sad because they will never reach their full potential. I do not want that for Connor. I want him to be an individual. I don't think he should have to live up to a standardized test and if he fails it he has fallen behind. That's just ignorance! Children learn differently, each child is unique in his or her needs. One test is not enough to tell you what the child really needs. What is they have test anxiety? What if they fail the math section because they don't have the reading comprehension skills they need?

I mean all these things and more make me dislike a standard education. Who would be better suited to teach my child but me and his father? Really, I am personally invested in him already. (Duh.) I want what is best for him. The question I have to ask myself is what exactly is that? Can I handle it? Is it feasible as far as money goes? The list just goes on and on.

I still feel as though un-schooling is the greatest idea ever however, and that is basically what it boils down to. I'm undecided but I'd love to hear from other people who chose to homeschool or un-school, who chose public school, who chose private schooling. I want life experiences people! =D

#home schooling #un-schooling #parenting #private school vs public school

Me, Myself, & I

Or an introduction post.

I need an outlet for my ideas, thoughts, and questions on parenting and other interesting things in life. I'm twenty years old, have a son who will be one on March 6, 2011. I'm planning my wedding for July 3, 2011, so there might be some wedding related madness here and there.

About me... Hmm. My interests tend to vary day to day, ranging from organizational ideas for the house to homeschooling my son and future children. I read incessantly. I love to play video games. I like to cook, but I hate to clean. My plans for my life went down the toilet after I decided to ditch college and move in with my extended family in Indiana. I am originally from a small, rural town in Central Virginia. I moved back to be with my immediate family when I found out I was going to have a baby. So I trekked 600 miles, dragging my fiance, a U-Haul and a six month preggo belly.

Life has been pretty crazy so far. I attempt to take things day by day because otherwise I think I would have lost my sanity when my fiance and I lived with my mother, sister, and step-father for six months. I am trying to figure out who I am like most twenty year old's but I'm also juggling the responsibilities of maintaining a home and caring for a young child. Discovering who I am, or who I want to be, is an on going challenge and I hope it stays that way for the rest of my life. Who wants to have themselves figured out?

I believe in things strongly, but those things are select few. Everything else is either relative, unimportant, or just plain silly. I believe in God, but I have no problem with those who think differently than me. I believe in a better society than the one we have now. I tend toward conservative ideals in politics and life in general, but I'm a hippie deep down. My favorite bands are the Eagles and the Beatles. I believe that almost every point of view has some value, something you can take away from it for the better. I believe in agreeing to disagree. I believe in stability for my child and future children and that despite what people might say a parent almost always knows what is best for their children.

I'm attending college online through University of Phoenix, studying for an eventual BS in either Software Engineering or Web Design. I'm thinking web design has the stronger case because there is higher possibility of working from home.

I want to be with my child and future children. I think I might want to adopt too, and if not that, I want to become a foster parent when we are able to. The world needs people to care for their children, not to shuffle them around like burdens. Ah, but that is for another time.

I'll leave with one of my favorite lines from LotR.

All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.

Our family Christmas picture.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Dinner Before Zombies