He feels bad, even considering leaving Robyn to deal with all of this on their own when he knows full well Robyn probably doesn’t have any sort of experience with tending to wounds so severe, but he’s also certain he’s going to break at any minute, and he doesn’t want to make things worse than he already has. Working on wrapping the brand up with the gauze, taken care of for now, until it inevitably needs to be cleaned again, at least it doesn’t seem like any of the other wounds are quite as bad; and scratches, cuts, and bruises, even a broken bone or two, are nothing compared to the damage he might do because he can’t control himself anymore, if he sticks around much longer. But Robyn says they understand, says that he can go, that they can handle the rest, even if they don’t sound certain of that.Â
Robyn’s apology comes as he’s finishing wrapping the brand, carefully, but quickly, and he has to clench his jaw again. “Don’t. There was no one else around. I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, not your fault,” he says, through gritted teeth, through wavering voice. It doesn’t really feel like Robyn should be thanking him. This all would’ve been so much easier if Robyn had stumbled on someone else instead. But there’s no changing it, and it’s not any more Robyn’s fault than it is any of theirs. DeeZee really doesn’t deserve to be thanked for any of this, though, when all he’s done is make it harder for all of them. Before he can say anything, though, before he can get up, ready to run, Diose grabs his arm suddenly, and that makes him freeze in place.
And there they are again, the breathless, hoarse, pained apologies from her, and now it feels almost impossible to blink back the tears. She tells him he deserves better, and that nearly makes him laugh bitterly, because he’s not sure he does, maybe this is all karmic retribution for how horrible he’s been for years, too. Her hand on his arm feels like it’s burning, searing just like a brand. The rest of it is surprising, even in those breathless words, it seems like an acknowledgment of the past, a real one. The problem is he can’t just say it’s alright, I accept your apology, because he’s not really sure any amount of apologizing could be enough to make up for everything that has happened, even if she is in this state, and he should swallow his mess and say it anyway, even if he doesn’t mean it. But he’s never liked lying.
DeeZee pulls his arm away from her, gets up too quickly, sending the salve and the rest of the gauze to the ground as he steps back, shaking his head. “No, please…I can’t, I’m…I don’t deserve better, don’t fuckin’ worry about that…just…no, you shouldn’t have, but…I’ve done just as…fuck,” he shakes his head again, trailing off looking back to Robyn as he starts backwards toward the door. “You need help with the brand or anything worse later, come to Ten, I’ll write down instructions…but I’m…I can’t. I have to…I’m sorry.” And he does mean that apology, he’s sorry he’s not someone else, that he can’t do better at this, that he has to run with how overwhelming every part of this is, the brand, the apologies. DeeZee turns around finally, and leaves, not looking back, barely even noticing where he’s going from how the tears blur his vision, just desperate to get far from here and find a bottle of something strong.
DEEZEE REJECTS THEIR apology, tells them it’s not their fault, but the way he mentions being at the wrong place at the wrong time only makes Robyn feel like they really ought to have thought this through better. It’s been clear from the first that DeeZee doesn’t want to be here, that this is the last place he wants to be in, the last thing he wants to do, for the last person he wants to do it for. He doesn’t acknowledge the thanks either, and simply keeps working, as quickly as he can, movements careful but with that edge of impatience, making it undoubtedly obvious just how much he wants to be out of here, and fast. Robyn can’t even say anything back. What could they possibly answer to any of that? They’ve never been in a situation as rife with history and complications and tough emotions as this. The thing with Digit had involved them personally, and they had known what they felt, still know what they feel, just as much as they had known what they could and couldn’t do about it.
This is something else entirely, and as much as they are one of Diose’s closest friends, there’s baggage here beyond their involvement. When Diose holds DeeZee back and apologizes — hard to watch as it is hard to listen to — that only drives the point home that much of this is between the two of them: Diose and DeeZee’s shared pasts, shared problems, his fuckups and her fuckups compounding one after the other, coming to a head in this traumatizing morning. Perhaps Robyn had just been the unwitting catalyst, finding Diose themself, and then serendipitously, cruelly, finding DeeZee immediately after to ask help from. It feels like a wicked thing to do, what Robyn had brought upon the two of them, making an already difficult situation even worse by their terrible decision-making, and there’s no stopping this train of thought now; once they’ve decided something is their fault, it’s hard to undo. DeeZee can’t even accept the apology properly, and that pains Robyn, seeing the hurt run so deeply that he can’t give Diose that even as she lies on the chaise, bloody and bruised and cut up all over, completely at the mercy of everyone around her.
When DeeZee finally leaves, Robyn sticks to their promise and does nothing to stop him. For a moment, they stay there on the floor, on their knees, in the same place where they had crouched beside DeeZee, and stare at the items he’d accidentally sent falling in his hurry to leave, their chest heaving. “It’s just you and me now, all right, Diose?” they say quietly, swallowing and trying to steady their breathing as they force their body to move, to pick up after the mess, hands shaking while their mind works itself to its limit, trying to figure out what to do next. They’re sure once they’ve latched onto the next thing, they’ll go on from there. They want nothing more than to shut their mind off and just work without thinking too hard. “It’s going to be fine.” They don’t know that, but they’ll say it anyway, hoping they’ll come to believe it. Maybe they’ll start with cleaning up the rest of the wounds on her body, now that the mark has been taken care of. Even when he hadn’t chosen to accept it, Robyn still thinks DeeZee ought to be thanked for that.
“I’ll take care of you,” they say shakily, wringing the cloth DeeZee had used, intending to clean it. Maybe they’ll look for another one just in case. There ought to be an abundance of these in that drawer. They’ll have to clean up the mess on the floor too. All of this. They should be able to do it. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
Diose doesn’t expect DeeZee to accept her apology. He didn’t do it before, why would he do it now when she’s once again show how much she excels at making his life hell. There will be better opportunities to show how repentant she is, or so she tells herself in order to withstand the pain of rejection. She is not used to it, this being something that never happened, not even once. People clamored for the attention of Diose Valey, but that was back then. Things are different now and she better get used to her new world. And fast.
She doesn’t watch DeeZee leave, instead choosing to bury her face in the now stained chaise because Diose also is too scared of what she might find if she dares to look at Robyn’s face. Se must admit she is surprised they’re still there, doing something so disgusting and mundane as tending to the cuts and bruises that cover her body. (She refuses to even consider the possibility of Robyn also taking care of the mess she’s made on her bathroom floor.) They both grew up in luxury and had people bandage even the smallest and simplest of cuts for them. Neither or them are equipped to do something like this, but Robyn keeps trying, insists on staying there and not letting anyone else touch her. That means the world to her. If she is crying now, it’s because Robyn’s devotion and strength had touched her to the point she can’t contain herself.Â
They say things will be fine, and she doesn’t believe them. As much as poor Robyn is trying, Diose knows that just can’t be possible anymore. Her mind is not the same, but her smarts make a small appearance, helping her figure out that this moment is something of a reset for all of them. She can’t be certain of things being fine, but one thing she is sure of is that things are changing. For the better or worse, she doesn’t know, though she is leanings towards the latter.
She parts her lips in order to thank them, but she finds her voice is gone. Another thing she will save for later. When she is better. If she gets better.