/ˈwʌndərə/

Because "the important thing is not to stop questioning; curiosity has its own reason for existing" (Albert E.) /ˈwändərər//ˈbiblēəˌfīl/.

[dipussari]

Me & bunch of friends from WICARA decided to bring what we call “a chance to intimately learn from each other” sessions to public. We’ll be discussing about commonly thinkered topics as candid as possible. Hope you get a chance to pause as well with this!

[dipussari]

As part of the “discarding” memories journey, which I routinely do since… not sure when. It’s habituated already to associate memories with physical items (since I’m the anti clinging-to-nostalgia person to the point that it may seem heartless), which is why I like taking instax pictures while budding up/building relationships. It’s either a keeper or discard them at later timing to symbolically commemorate the detachment of oneself from its memories and whatever characters we left out when being with that person/relationship.

It felt ceremonial for me, perhaps in a same spirit of emotional detachment that Dani went through in Midsommar.

With this, I am leaving behind those hands who warmly enjoy past relationships, and welcoming my upgraded, back to self-reliance, independent, and hopefully matured Dina.

Till another episode of discarded instax!

[dipussari]

Pulang Sekolah

Bagian yang paling wajib terkenang, jadi akan dibuka dengan ini. As a context, aku hidup di Batuputih setelah adik perempuanku lahir (yang mengharuskan aku libur sekolah 1 bulan dan turun dari ranking 2 ke ranking 5 saat kelas 1 SD. Kurang ingat sebenarnya apa karena waktu itu malas belajar atau pelajarannya susah, tapi korelasi yang paling teringat cuma itu, hehe). Berarti sekitar kelas 2 SD hingga 3 SMP, atau total 9 tahun.

Bayangkan, selama 9 tahun, atau sekitar 90 bulan bersekolah, atau sekitar 1890 hari bersekolah, aku melakukan rutinitas yang sama. Awal bangun pagi, biasanya berantem dulu karena aku benci sarapan. Saat itu lupa alasan utamanya kenapa, tapi kalau mengingat kondisi tubuh sekarang yang gampang sakit perut, sepertinya secara tidak sadar aku menghindari toilet sekolah (yes, I was and still slightly am a public-bathroom-phobia), kombinasi karena jorok, sempit, dan hal-hal menakutkan yang mungkin terjadi di sana. Saking takutnya, aku lupa bentuk toilet SD dan SMPku kurang lebih bagaimana, soalnya jarang.

Nah setelah bangun tidur, mandi lalu berantem, biasanya aku dan adikku yang juga bersekolah akan berangkat ke halte bus kami. Perumahan kami sangat unik karena tersebar di dalam hutan dan dibangun dengan konsep perumahan Australia, karena itu adalah perumahan perusahaan tambang Australia (awalnya, sayang sekitar tahun 2008-an (?) diakuisisi lokal). Nanti akan dibahas soal struktur kompleksnya sendiri, tapi sekarang fokus ke proses pulang sekolah dulu ya. Biasanya kami diantar Mbak yang bantu di rumah, dan menunggu sampai busnya datang (nanti akan dibahas terpisah juga deh).

Spesifik mengenai proses pulang sekolah, karena moda transportasi dari sekolah ke rumah sangat terbatas (cuma ada bus sekolah pagi, bus ke pasar sekitar jam 9, bus dari pasar sekitar jam 4, dan bus sekolah jam 2-an) jadi aku tidak terbiasa ikut klub setelah sekolah, sehingga terbiasa pulang tepat waktu. Jam 2 tiba di halteku dalam kondisi loyo karena biasanya ketiduran di bus (perjalanan dari sekolah-perumahan sekitar 30 menit, tapi ingat, ini di Sangatta, Kalimantan. 30 menit itu untuk 10-15KM melewati hutan, ya). Dari halte harus jalan mendaki, yang mana aku cukup benci. Tas berat, jalan sendirian, mendaki pula. Terkadang berharap Mbak menjemput tapi di zaman itu mana lazim anak SD punya hp ataupun menyuruh Mbak jemput. Jadi aku sering berjalan mundur saat mendaki.

Dari halte, ada dua jalur ke arah rumah. Satu, melewati rumput, yang kemudian akan tembus ke rumah temanku yang berwarna abu (nomor 67 bukan ya?) lalu tembus ke jalan aspal, lalu aku bisa jalan normal ke rumah. Posisi rumahku masih jauh lebih tinggi dari rumah 67, dan ada semacam pembatas jalan bertingkat yang seharusnya ditumbuhi rumput, tapi karena aku malas detour, aku suka memanjat langsung di sana.

Jalur kedua, melewati jalan aspal yang berada di belakang rumahku. Jalan aspal ini untuk menghubungkan jalan raya ke rumah 69, 64, dan 63. Jalannya tidak mendaki, tapi karena posisi rumahku cukup tinggi, nanti ada saat di mana aku harus menanjak lebih tinggi DAN melewati rumah 64. Bagian melewati rumah 64 yang biasanya membuatku ciut, jadi jalur pertama opsinya.

Biasanya aku akan berjalan bersama temanku yang tinggal di rumah 67, dan menyapa ibunya saat dia masuk rumah (aku pernah merepotkan mereka dengan menumpang toilet hehe), lalu berjalan sendiri ke rumah. Di dekat rumah 67 ada pohon beringin tua yang punya cerita mistis sendiri, tapi aku hobi bergelantungan di akar gantungnya. Lalu biasanya melewati rumah 61 (apa 60 ya? Lupa), memanjat, baru berlari ke rumah.

Kenapa berlari? Soalnya kadang suka memergoki ular atau takut dikejar monyet. Tapi biasanya karena tidak tahan mau ke toilet juga sih.

Kalau mengingat lagi, sepertinya pengalaman berjalan dari halte menuju rumah 67 jadi bagian yang aku paling rindukan di proses pulang ke rumah, karena seperti berada di buku cerita bergambar luar negeri, yang berkisah soal anak-anak yang hidup di hutan. Bagian-bagian itu yang paling vivid dan membuatku teringat, “ah itu kenapa aku ingin kembali tinggal terpencil lagi.”

Ya tapi kalau bisa semua online shop dan mendapat pemasukan stabil dan mencukupi tanpa harus terlalu hidup bekerja 9-5.

[dipussari]

Mengingat Masa Kecil

Beberapa minggu ini, aku kerap mengulang jawaban yang sama setiap bersapa dengan kolega secara virtual.

“Never been better!”

“Very happy and content, Alhamdulillah”

Karena memang benar begitu. Tahun 2021 dimulai dengan kondisi mental yang secara eksponensial semakin berbahagia, mungkin sebagian kontributor terbesarnya karena aku kembali memusatkan diri kepada what matters to me and vice versa vs. what I wish to matter. Yang satu berpusat pada realita, yang satu lagi berpusat pada keinginan yang bisa jadi tidak realistis. Benar lho, mempengaruhi kewarasanku setidaknya, yang kemudian mempengaruhi performaku di pekerjaan dan di kehidupan sehari-hari.

Niatan tulisan ini bukan untuk membahas soal kebahagiaan itu, sayangnya. Dalam perjalanan menjadi lebih wholesome dengan diri sendiri, aku baru sadar bahwa banyak memori masa kecil yang menyenangkan dan terkadang, kalau bisa di-copy-paste ke kehidupan dewasaku, alangkah menyenangkan. Jadi sebagai bentuk penghargaan terhadap memori masa kecil itu, aku berencana membuat serial tulisan Masa Kecil Batuputih, ya karena kebanyakan soal kehidupan masa kecilku cuma habis di kompleks rumah/hutan bernama Batuputih.

Tanpa menyebut nama dan memori sensitif (seperti waktu kecil ngeceng siapa) tentunya.

[dipussari]

Inches

Our distance used to be inches away,

Enough for me to feel the unsteady breath,

Of sadness and apology,

Of depression and anxiety,

Of madness and fury.

Our distance used to be inches away,

Where I would take a peek at your eyes,

And see a reflection,

Of my worry,

Happy,

Thrilled facial.

I used to be mesmerized with the fact how clear

Your eyes were,

As if in those inches distance away,

The glare penetrates

To the dark thoughts I used to have

When we’re inches away.

And while now,

We are miles away,

I would glare the same way,

To my kitten’s eye,

And found my feelings reflected again.

And then it hits me.

It was never you being able to understand

How twisted my thoughts are,

When we’re miles away.

But you never do,

Even when we’re

Inches away.

[dipussari]

Golf At First Sight

This will be about my take on golf and how this sport has become the getaway much needed from the world’s frantic tasks and my crowded head.

First Encounter

It wasn’t love at first sight. On 2019, when I started holding a club, it was more like a physical torture mixed with poor endurance, yet my head wanted to fit into the sport so much. The coach I had was pushing me to swing more, hit more, hit better, yet at that point it time, I couldn’t understand its delights. I had the knack for it, just needed a little bit of exercise. I picked this sport up again on August 2020, after months of not being able to do other fun sports, golf seemed like the safest option in the midst of pandemic. With that, I embarked my relationship with a sport I deemed to be a combination of political gimmick-social status-gender empowerment-mindfulness tool.

How I Fell In Love

Obviously I fell in love first because people were affirming to my skills. They said I could do great, compared to regular people. I can aim higher while learning this sport. The affirmation helped boosting my confidence, but I fell hard when we went to the field the first time. It was December 2020, I played poorly, but it rained cats & dogs, which I like. At that point, I realized that golf is one of those sports you can enjoy under the rain while surrounding yourself with greeneries. It was a familiar scene with my childhood back in Kalimantan. Hence the first one left a great impression, and I couldn’t stop till now.

It was the silent during each hole, the trees that humbly surrounding us, the long walk in between shots, the formality, different sceneries that got printed well in my head, and most importantly, the talks that happened in my head, it’s all about golf. This was the first time I’ve ever done a sport & I can only think about the moment being, versus wandering somewhere to work or my personal issues. I’ve never felt this content and focused for so long, that this must be love.

Golf and How It Empowers Me

I see golf as a gentleman’s sport. It still is today. It’s a heavily stereotyped sport, hence I adore going against it. Most who play are men, I’m a woman. Most women who play are non-hijabi, I’m a hijabi woman. Especially in the US, athletes are dominated by white, males who probably came from well-off background with stable family. Which is why, when Tiger Woods’ story came out, everyone made a fuss over it. Everything surrounds it is very conventional that doing something weird made you an instant outlier. Not like soccer, basketball, or other popular sports. The nuance golf shows expected everyone to behave well, and I like it when I went against its expectation. I shouldn’t feel empowered just through golf, but it made me feel that way, hence I love going out there and showing everyone that a single, hijabi woman can play golf.

And that’s how I fell for golf at first sight.

[dipussari]

What Do I Feel Post-Writing (#30)

Mostly relieved, because I get to put things in my head out, appropriately. But nowadays, the anxiety still creeps in so I guess... I need to keep moving on.

[dipussari]

My Goals For The Future (#29)

To live in content with myself.

It’d be great if you’ll be part of it, but I’ll let Allah decides on that one.

[dipussari]

Loving Someone (#28)

I hesitated to write and finish this sequence off because of this premise. It was hard... to explain when you’re actively in the act of loving a person, who has personality, a life, a goal, problems to manage, a family, and surroundings that you can’t control.

Hence I will write, based on my feelings today, after not being in touch with the one I hold dear for quite sometime, not fully knowing what goes on in his life, and to explain to you, universe, what does it mean to love someone.

To love someone, is a continuous & dynamic activity, which goes on an infinite loop with no prescribed way of doing it, one day versus the next one. To love dead things, plants, animals, beings whose centered toward us is easy. All of their wellbeing depends on our treatment, how we’ll reach out to them. While on the other hand, loving someone who has a life, work to do, family to care, infinite problems and challenges, personality, likes and dislikes... is like going on an infinite adventure that doesn’t put past into stone for your awareness, but only for you not to repeat the same mistake. You will constantly make mistake & fails at times, in loving them, but as part of your growth, yesterday’s mistake will mostly become a red light to not repeat the same thing, but new challenges will come. You will fail, miserably anyway. And loving someone, is to face the fact that you will fail, but choose to get up and give more, again and again.

Even when the person, out of the blue, did not reach out to you for days. Leaving you in this asylum of despair and mingling with your dark thoughts. And after sometime, you’ll grow from those dark thoughts. You decided to make amend with them, befriend them, and choose to not fight, but to embrace. And to accept that it is maybe what it is. That there may be time the other person suddenly despises you. Or they decide to ghost you for no reason. And you’re left there standing, wondering what you did wrong, and laying out all the possible strategies only to ask how the person is doing.

To love someone, sometimes obsessively, may include doing some stalking here and there and overthinking, “why would this person have time to do that but not even a 30-seconds to quickly type that he/she’s OK and just doing things to get things off his/her mind?”. Part of the loving journey includes questioning your value in his/her eyes, and where would you stand, if there’s a prioritization list to it. Would you become... the last of everything instead? Would you falling ill means nothing to them? Would your silence means... nothing to them?

And then accepting that maybe, all of the answers above is true, and yet still choose to give.

To love someone, is to accept that what you give today, may not be the same thing that the person needs tomorrow. As he/she evolves, you evolve, too. And you need to embrace the fact that, you are actively loving a person, whose life is affected with things you can’t control. You can’t control the things that upset him/her. You can’t stop the pains he/she encounters. You can’t protect him/her in your safe bubble to stop all the miseries. And also... you can’t keep him/her from things he/she finally enjoys & find enlightenments, outside your embrace. Often you will unconsciously beg, implicit & explicitly, for him/her to stay around, to provide, to care. But sometimes, the best thing we can do, when loving someone, is to exist and extravagantly give, humbly, without expecting most to return.

To love someone... is to accept the fact he/she may walkout from your life, one day. And at the end of the day, you will only have yourself to love. So embrace yourself better, too. Thank yourself for keeping up with whatever the pains are delivered to you... and to choose to give and be patient, instead of giving in to your ego.

To love someone is to be patient with them, over and over and over and over again, because the worldly trials spare no one. And as you endure your fights, they’ll be enduring theirs, and if you love them, you will be where you need to be, when you need to be.

[dipussari]

Someone That Inspires You (#27)

I stopped writing after prompt #26... because I’m getting more and more afraid with the topics. As if I were interogated on areas I have lowest confidence in. But anyway, something needs to finish this.

If I were to pinpoint a single person... that’d be impossible, I guess. Each person whom I encounter is uniquely made with their own ups and lows, which I both learn to admire & to avoid (or even hate). And our encounters are often with a corrective or preventive reasons: they either pass by to correct my story, or to prevent me from falling into wrong story... or even right ones. With such diversity in their uniqueness and what I want or not want to learn from them, I think every single person I’ve encountered, in some ways, is inspiring. Especially when they can make the obvious don’ts visible to my sight, for me to immediately avoid.

Although throughout the course of time... I’m even questioning my course of life.

[dipussari]

School (#26)

My most memorable time is perhaps divided between Middle School and College. So many fun and wild experiences I did over those times. But if I were to recall... nothing is extraordinarily amusing.

On a sidenote, I’m quite blue these past few days, hence the delay.

[dipussari]

Something That Inspired the 11th Image on My Phone (#25)

It was just a picture of me on 2016, mending my DSLR during a trip to the beach. I love every second of the trip, especially the breathtaking sceneries.

[dipussari]

Lesson Learned (#24)

That no matter how hard I do and plan, often I will not get the answer nor the result I’ve wished for. Yet the failures of today, does not diminish my chance of tomorrow. It might tarnish my reputation, but what’s lowest than starting from 0? One way or another, I need to start there anyway.

Another thing, is that sweating over what could’ve happened in the future, can easily go away, the moment you accept the fact that God can take you anytime He wants. Your time is limited and unpredicted, so what matters is today.

[dipussari]

A Letter to Someone, Anyone (#23)

Please bear in mind that this letter was supposed to be written 2 days ago, but things got cramped up and I only had the time today.

For anyone who’s reading this, sorry to inform you that sometimes, most of the time, things will not go as your plan. Sometimes, your meticulous effort to build the great scheme to achieve the biggest goal you can ever come up with within your lifetime will not go as well as you visualize it, and perhaps it may take you to lots and lots and lots and lots of U-Turn along the way. Sometimes timing is so shitty that you’ll start regretting the timing you’re born to. Sometimes the answer cannot be obtained by asking about it three times within 1-week period.

And more often, you will be living in this state of in-between, not yet seeing any result and not yet knowing whether you’re heading to the right direction, because the instant-rewarding system you used to enjoy during school does not exist in adulthood. You need to decipher codes, reading the lines, deducting the implicit facts around you, and most often, again, you need to do those for all of your roles (being a child, being a partner, being an employee, being a sister, being a friend) at the same time.

And it’s OK, to feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. I am currently, too. Some of the answers may come next week, next month, of even at the brink of our death bed, so my wish to you, is to be kind with yourself, while being smart with your surroundings first. Be gentle with your overthinking head, be gentle with your desperate heart. Let the mind runs, but calm it down every once in a while. Love every inch of you and thank them for keep moving forward. Because life is often so shitty, so mischievous, they tend to throw us in the whirlwind of emotions, we start to forget that we are waking up for the sake of ourselves today, and we should be thankful for at least that.

Life is not always so great, but existing and being able to realize it, is one of the greatest gift given. Your consciousness, is. So don’t beat yourself up too much.

[dipussari]

Write About Today (#22)

Today, specifically, is nerve-wracking (although I write this at 6AM in the morning). So many sudden dues when I’m mentally unprepared, and this is not even counted as procrastination, last night I couldn’t do the work because I was dead tired. Usually in time of panic... my brain will shut down. Although tired, it was a content tired, a content chaos. Had an interesting debate regarding menstruation leave yesterday, which probably one of the major cause of my energy drainer, but the output is new insight and perspective, which I love about having a quality debate. Works went well, most of them, while I have this one hanging like a painful one, until I get a grip on it.

[dipussari]

Write About Love (#21)

Love is a form of one-way selfless practice; devotion given to the other party regardless the returns.

The act of love, for me, is the form of continuous giving, regardless. It’s about maintaining desires while keeping expectations at bay. True love is when all the regardless-es are indeed, regardless. And it’s a combination of human being decency, poured to the other. Decency includes paying attention, understanding, accommodating, helping, engaging, solving, listening, and existing.

You love a person enough that what matters is not achieving reciprocality, but for the sake of passing through the compassion, one-way. Regardless there’s a future for you. Because what matters is what you can give today, seeing the other person happy today, knowing the other person is well, today.

Regardless, waiting for the chance to sleep soundly next to the other person, someday.

[dipussari]

Celebrity Crush (#20)

Obviously Benedict Cumberbatch. His personal life, his works, I love them all. Tall, not-straight hair, intellect, has interesting education background, sense of humour that’s understandable, decent, but enough privacy. Quoting what Hye-Jun said in Record of Youth, we tend to idolize those who pose similarity with our own. Is that a human’s way to feel connected, and channeling the need? I guess so.